Musings

Recently I stumbled upon a few blogs that explore the Daddy Dom/little girl dynamic. I have to admit, I’ve never really been interested in it myself and I don’t see myself converting anytime soon but Daddy Vinnie‘s, Lolita‘s and boundobedience‘s blogs make for interesting reads. (Plus boundobedience has the cutest pictures and gifs ever. kittens galore! =^.^=)

They’ve also given me stuff to think about. Whilst I do not identify as a little, and probably never will, I’m beginning to think that I do have some little tendencies in the sense that I love being taken care of. I love and need M to take care of me and to protect – maybe more so than he realises sometimes. Sometimes, I just want to be held and be told what to do, even the simplest things like going to shower or doing my work. Last night, I was curled up in bed after saying good night to M and it was raining/hailing really heavily and made an awful racket on the roof of the conservartory (which my room is above) and I sorta felt scared (even thought I wouldn’t normally) and wanted M there to give me snuggles and protect me. I don’t know whether that was just an effect of reading DD/lg themed blogs before I went to bed or what but it was interesting. I also need structure in my life – it was a big shock to go from boarding school to being back home for sixth form with no set time to do my work to university where nobody tells you what the hell to do, nevermind when to do it!

Maybe it’s just me not wanting to grow up at the moment and wanting to cling onto something that means I don’t have to take responsibility. Perhaps it’s a knock-on effect of always being the youngest in my year so I’ve always been somewhat babied by my friends. Or maybe it’s just my nature to be a mischievous, almost child-like submissive when I’m comfortable. (Seriously, my housemates always say “you’re such a child!” One of them even mock pretends to tell me off sometimes haha) I don’t really know.

The DD/lg dynamic isn’t really something I would normally give much thought about and I guess I didn’t really understand it before but the three blogs I mentioned above really do portray the dynamic in a beautiful way.

The dynamic between me and M is quite playful sometimes and serious other times where M demands and expects complete obedience from me and any disobedience is not tolerated in the slightest. (Note to self: must stop scratching eczema or I won’t be able to sit down properly when I get back to uni…) Lately, I’d say our dynamic has gotten a little more serious than it has been in the past in that we’re both more focussed when we play and M dominates me (when appropriate) outside of play too since I am no longer just a bedroom submissive.

Well, I’ve certainly had lots to think about recently…still want snuggles from M though…hmm…

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Boxing Day fun

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas 🙂

My Christmas was lovely – had a scrumptious Christmas lunch cooked by Mum and had a good laugh at the cat chasing after all the bit of wrapping paper strewn around. Silly kitty. Almost as silly as me if you ask M…

Yesterday, I had a lovely day too. Was sat in my room relaxing, munching on the chocolate I got for Christmas doing research for my Dominant. What research I hear you ask? This was research on items or toys I might like to have. I spent a good few hours trawling through websites looking at toys and lingerie – and there was one particular pair of knickers that caught M’s eye when I sent him the link. His exact words in response were these: “please for the love of god buy them. so bloody sexy.” Hehehe. So I have been ordered to buy them, or to at least contemplate buying them. So if I do get them, I will model them for M and maybe get him to take a picture so you all can see 😉 who knows. They are pretty sexy though I’m not gonna lie.

M was there for the whole day yesterday, typing to me on skype, dominating me gently and generally taking care of me. I always love that he can still make me feel so safe and loved even when we’re away from each other.

In the evening, I worked on two essays I have to hand in when term begins again. One of them is of a slightly sensitive nature for me but luckily I was only editing that essay and so I wasn’t too affected by it. Perhaps I shall one day blog about it…it ties in with my past experiences and M having to pick up the pieces as a consequence…

By the time I’d finished I was sleepy and slightly grouchy because a) it’s that time of the month again (yes I sometimes have major issues with being moody during that time. Fecking hormones.); and b) I knew I had to be up early. Despite that, after I’d showered and was ready for bed, M forced me (gently!) to submit. It wasn’t anything major, just calming myself, focussing completely on him and listening to him describe to me what he was going to do to me once we get back to university. But it still made me feel very subby. Most likely because of what he was describing (it involved his cock, my mouth, cum everywhere and name-calling. I’ll let your imagination do the rest 😉 ). I don’t know why but afterwards, all my grouchiness faded away and it suddenly didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter that it was my TOTM or that I was sleepy and I had to be up early. It was all about him. All about submitting to my Dominant’s will and trusting him to take care of me. And it felt amazing. M let me sleep shortly after that. Sleep came quickly and contentedly for me then: all wrapped in my duvet with M’s top next to me and thoughts of M dominating me and taking care of me lingering and dancing on the edge of my thoughts, feeling safe, loved and owned…

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Suits

I love them. I love seeing M in a suit. There’s just something about it that I just find so insanely attractive.

Last night, M and I went out for a Christmas dinner with a large group of people – the dress code was formal. So he suited up and I found a pretty dress to wear. Dinner was all fine a lovely – good food, good company. But when we got home…*shiver*

M in a suit just exudes Dominance – to me it looks like there’s a great big neon sign flashing that says: “Warning! Dominant!” and it just turns my legs to jelly and makes my insides go all squishy. Add to that the fact that I was wearing a fairly thin, pretty, girly dress + heels and boom! You have the world’s greatest recipe for turning me into a meek little submissive who just can’t wait for her Dominant to touch her and tell her what to do.

There’s just something special about dressing up formally that brings out the submissive in me like no tomorrow. It just really put me in the right frame of mind to truly submit to M. And it doesn’t hurt that M looks goooooood in a suit 😉 hehe

M seemed to find it a little amusing that I was so turned on by him in a suit so he humoured me and kept the suit on for as long as possible. Love that man. Although I did have to endure a spanking from him as punishment: we have a new rule that I am not allowed to scratch at my eczema. I am allowed to scratch at normal itches, but not any which are obviously due to my eczema. I err, unfortunately broke that rule multiple times over the weekend (it’s not my fault that the venue for the conference was so bi-polar in temperature! seriously, the lecture theatre was freezing and the upstairs rooms were boiling!) and so I had a lovely painful spanking last night to atone for it. The sex afterwards made up for it though XD

 

In other news, M and I are going to attempt a more 24/7 D/s relationship! M said to me yesterday that he would be prefectly happy to try it out on the conditions that he wouldn’t lose the girlfriend part of me, that we could take breaks from D/s and just be us and that we worked to find a good balance between D/s and normal couple-y stuff. I’m also apparently not allowed to demand snuggles when he’s working…hmph. Oh well. And so the transition from me being a bedroom submissive to a more 24/7 submissive begins…to be honest, I could see it coming. I’ve been wanting to submit to M more and more in recent months and not always in just the bedroom – M also noticed since a few weeks ago, he remarked that I wasn’t really a bedroom submissive and that I seemed to like/need to submit in certain other parts of my life as well. So here we are. It’ll be an interesting continuation of our journey that’s for sure.

*happy wriggly kitten* mew

/\__/\                                                                                   =^.^=                                                                              (“)__(“)

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Feeling submissive

M posed an interesting question to me earlier: “How do you feel when I make you feel kitteny [submissive]? What really gets you there? What doesn’t work?”

Feeling submissive…how do I describe it? It’s knowing that M is completely in charge but that I’m safe at the same time and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. It’s knowing I’ve lost control but being okay with it and accepting it. It’s being content about the fact that M can do anything he wishes to my body and knowing I can’t make any decisions about what happens to me. It’s that feeling I get when I know M is about to push my limits but not wanting to stop him and trusting that he’ll take care of me and bring me out the other side, whole and healthy.

That’s what it’s about for me. I think Jake from Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds says it very well in his article here.

And what really gets me there? M being insistent and consistent in what he wants from me. He doesn’t have to be forceful physically at all: just very firm in what he wants from me and not backing down if I voice a minor objection. Obviously if I’m objecting massively to something because I know it’ll hurt me or have a negative impact on an aspect of our real lives then he does listen and take into account what I’m saying.

Of course, it is always fun to be physically dominated too…cue M actually using his strength against me and me “struggling” against him. It’s not fair when I’m almost a foot shorter than M, who is also a rugby player….hmph. *pout* but that’s the fun of it I guess. Knowing that he can overpower me so easily and that any progress I do make in getting away is probably him humouring me before he catches me and makes me pay…*shiver*

And again, it’s about pushing my limits and having to trust that he’ll take care of me afterwards and bring me through it whole. I feel most vulnerable whenever I work through things with M that frighten me due to some baggage from my past. And it does scare me sometimes, but it helps when M is gently insistent and talks me through it, reminding me that it is him who is there and not anyone else. I’m most content when I stop fighting M and stop fearing whatever limit it is we’re working on. And then, when I feel the pride he has for me when I do that…it’s just amazing.

So what doesn’t work to make me feel submissive? I guess it’s the opposite of stuff that does work. If M isn’t consistent in what he wants from me, then I get confused and frustrated. Definitely not a good thing for making me feel kitteny. Or if he isn’t insistent with his orders. It makes me feel like he can’t follow through with his intentions and so I lose respect.

Also, one very important factor for me is that I have to feel loved and safe when all is said and done. Without it, I start doubting myself and my worth to M as a submissive. And then it’s just a downwards spiral from there. I have to know that after everything that’s happened, after everything that’s been said in a play session, he still loves me for who I am and that he cares about me.

D/s is about feeling the connection between myself and M, and rejoicing in it. It makes me feel alive. It’s aobut the two of us – nothing more, nothing less. As it should be.

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Non-sexual play?

An article by lunaKM on Submissive Guide reminded me that this is a topic I’ve often thought about but haven’t really explored or discussed. Personally I’m not entirely sure how I would define ‘non-sexual play’. Initially I wanted to write “submitting to my Dominant without it being sexual” but then I wouldn’t exactly classify being ordered to do the dishes as play!

I guess I want ‘non-sexual play’ when I’m not really in the mood for sex (whether it’s intercourse or oral) but it may or may not progress into sexual play. For example, on Saturday night, I wasn’t really in the mood but still wanted to submit to M so I let him know how I was feeling – he asked for a list of requests that I had or things I wanted so he would know what I was feeling up to. (He won’t always acquiesce to my requests or allow me what I want but I think it gives him a base to work with). We started off slow and gentle – he would touch me wherever he wanted without aiming to turn me on. He would touch and stroke my tits gently, reminding me that I belong to him. We then started watching some porn – slightly reluctantly on my part as this pushed slightly at the boundaries of ‘non-sexual play’ -and he continued to caress me gently. And whaddya know? kitten got turned on. Which was probably his aim in the first place. Sneaky Dominant. After asking me if I wanted him to take me (copious amounts of nodding here) he nudged me over to the bed and started to finger me. The rest, as they say, is history.

So here are some of the things that I would consider non-sexual play:

  • Sitting/kneeling by M’s feet whilst he does whatever it is he needs to do. A stroke on the head occasionally wouldn’t go amiss 🙂
  • cuddling with M whilst he touches me wherever and however he wants as longs as he doesn’t penetrate me or touch me too roughly
  • any direct orders he gives me which aren’t sexual – e.g. blogging, beautifying myself (aka waxing/shaving), wearing sexy underwear
  • not being allowed to move whilst M gives me a massage and caresses me

Perhaps for me, non-sexual play is everything I like and enjoy about D/s and BDSM, just minus the sex. Whenever I want non-sexual play, I always need M to just take care of me and take control without making it sexual, even if it’s just telling me to do my work whilst he gets on with his own work, or reminding me that I promised my housemate I would go to the gym with her, or giving me a few light taps on my arse to get me to hurry up and go shower. Just the little things.

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The meaning of submission

The other evening, I was sat down in a restaurant with M and his three siblings – two sisters and a brother. We were on the topic of “The Lord of the Rings” and the upcoming “The Hobbit” movie. It gradually moved onto a more general discussion about books, which was all nice and interesting…til one of M’s sisters mentioned 50 Shades of Grey. Now, I’ve never read the trilogy but I know the general plot from googling it to see what all the hype was about. M’s sisters loved the trilogy and asked if I’d read it. I said no. They asked why. I have to admit, I was trying desperately hard to not burst out laughing – one look at M told me he was doing the same. Unfortunately, it was also apparent I was on my own in answering this question.

How on earth was I supposed to answer?! I couldn’t exactly go “Oh, I haven’t read it because I’ve heard it’s not an accurate portrayal of BDSM and D/s relationships. Did I also mention that your brother relishes in dominating me and spanking me and doing all sorts of naughty and kinky things to me so I don’t have to read that book to know what it’s like?!” Somehow, I don’t think that would have gone down terribly well. I mumbled something about the plot not appealing to me very much instead. To which I received more encouragement to read it and that it was a love story etc etc. It really didn’t help that M’s brother was sitting next to me muttering “mummy porn, mummy porn, mummy porn” over and over again. The whole situation was just so hilariously awkward…M and I did have a good laugh about it later on that night though.

That conversation did get me thinking though. If you google “50 Fifty Shades of Grey”, there are many articles and debates about whether the book is degrading towards women, does it portray BDSM accurately, is a D/s relationship damaging etc etc. Whilst I can’t comment on the book itself (since I haven’t actually read it myself) I can say what being a submissive in D/s relationship means to me.

When I first stumbled across BDSM on the internet, I was young, impressionable and didn’t know anything about it at all. All I knew, is that it turned me on, when everything we’re taught in society screams that I shouldn’t be. In this day and age, we’re told that women are equal to men, that we shouldn’t live under their thumb, that we can and should be independent, strong women. So why should I be turned on by the thought of having a man order me around, being subservient to him, letting him do as he wishes to my body? It was a moral dilemma that bothered me for several years.

As I became more mature, I realised there was something deeper to my submission than it just being sexually gratifying. Somewhere along the lines, I realised that I couldn’t be truly happy in a relationship if I wasn’t dominated to some degree. I’m still not entirely sure why that is but maybe it’s to do with my personality. Perhaps I am inherently submissive anyway and it’s something that I just need. I’ve always liked doing things to help people and make their lives easier.

A D/s relationship requires a very high level of trust and communication between partners to ensure it is healthy and that all parties are happy and secure within the relationship. Without trust, you cannot truly submit to someone completely. And without communication, you don’t know how the other person feels and that can lead to misconceptions, wrong assumptions and hurt feelings as a consequence.

Another thing I realised is that I could still go on being a strong, independent young woman, holding her own against her male peers, whilst at the same time, submit to a man and let him take control of me. I trust M completely – I trust that he won’t harm me or do anything against my wishes – and I let him take control of me in the metaphorical bedroom (hey, you can be naughty anywhere 😉 ). But when we meet outside of that metaphorical bedroom, especially when it comes down to our university course, I’m more than happy to argue and debate with him about various things.

When I do let M take control, it is a release for me. It lets me relax and be comforted by the fact that M will take care of me. It lets me de-stress from normal, daily life and hand over responsibility to someone else. It also gives me a greater sense of security within our relationship – being dominated, being focussed on to that level makes you feel incredibly wanted. Add to that the fact that I know M will never harm me, I feel very, very safe. And who says you can’t love in a D/s relationship? I know I love M very much and I also know M feels the same way about me.

From M’s point of view, he has said to me a few times, that he feels very honoured that I trust him so much and am therefore able to submit to him completely. I don’t think he feels it’s degrading to me, as he knows it’s what I want, and what I have asked for from him. He’s never overstepped our limits either. He’s perfectly happy to dominate me because he knows I enjoy it. If I don’t enjoy something, he doesn’t do it. It’s always consensual between us.

Submitting to M is special for both of us and it’s something I believe that makes us so close and strong as a couple.

Each D/s relationship is different of course, and we are just one couple out of the many who are out there. I’m not an expert on all things BDSM and I doubt I ever will be. I’m just expressing my opinion on what submission means to me, as an individual.

So what does submission mean to you?

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Reflections on the year…

Firstly, I am sososososo sorry I haven’t blogged! I did warn you guys though…but M feels that an apology is in order for not keeping you guys updated on things. So, I am very sorry. When M learnt that I hadn’t blogged for over two weeks, he wasn’t exactly pleased. As a consequence, my butt cheeks were rather stingy this morning… And now, that same arse is currently being filled with my butt plug. Oh M does like to torture me…He knows I’ll find it difficult to work now. Clever, very clever…

So, Friday was mine and M’s one year anniversary with each other. We went out for a lovely meal in the evening. He got me a charm for my bracelet/collar – it was a little silver cat! I love it so much. I got him a DVD he wanted, a book and some homemade chocolate truffles. There was a little domination as well as lots of cuddling and snuggling in bed afterwards.

Recently, I have felt that M is really growing into his role as my Dominant – he has been expecting more of me as a submissive and hasn’t really needed much prompting lately. It’s allowed me to relax a lot more as a submissive I think. I don’t mind teaching M about things he isn’t sure about or doesn’t know much about but it’s nice to really let him take the lead. The change from a completely vanilla boyfriend to being a Dominant in the bedroom has suited M I think. He definitely enjoys his time dominating me anyway :p

It’s been an interesting year with M. I can barely remember our initial conversations about BDSM when I first told him that I am a submissive. I do remember trying to explain exactly what that meant, but you can never really quite capture what it means, what it feels like, in words can you? And M didn’t understand much in the beginning. But I am incredibly glad that he was open to trying new things and accepted me wholeheartedly. In fact, it is he who has to remind me now that he loves me for all of who I am, whenever I get embarrassed about my reactions to him calling me slut and whore, and whispering those naughty, dark fantasies in my ear whilst he fucks me hard…

I love it when he uses me roughly, or when he is insistent with his commands even if I am a little reluctant to submit because I’m tired or I’m not in the mood…I always seem to end up enjoying it and asking for more…and I know I am always safe with him, so I know he won’t push me too far if I’m really not up to it.

I’ve also gotten past a lot of my fears [from last year (see note at bottom)] with M…I no longer flinch away from him if he makes sudden movements – obviously, I do still get startled like any other person, but it’s no longer disproportionate to the action. I no longer flinch when he calls me “slut” – I am his kitten, his submissive, and his only. I no longer flinch at the belt – in fact, in the last two weeks, I’ve asked him to whip me with it on several occasions. I no longer panic when M backs me into a corner  – I feel secure in an odd way.

However, there is still one thing which I haven’t quite gotten over. I’m still a little shaky when M takes me hard doggy-style. It just doesn’t feel intimate and I guess that’s part of the problem. I want to work on it with M and get over it, but I’m not too sure where to start…perhaps M will have some ideas…

I am incredibly happy to be with M and hope that we have many many more happy anniversaries to come. In eight months time, M and I will become a long-distance relationship due to the demands of our university course. I can’t say I like the idea but it was a conscious decision on our part. However, I know that we will be strong enough to cope with it. We will be supported by our friends I’m sure, and we’ll only be an hour away from each other so we’ll get to see each other often.

I love you M x

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