Odd dreams…

I had a bit of a whacky dream last night. Whacky in the sense that it was kinda cool but also vaguely disturbing how my brain thinks up these things…

So, in the dream I was apparently moving into a flat in uni halls again with a few of my course mates – except (and this was the weird part) they were all BDSM-savvy. And very very open about it all. o.O in fact, one of my “flatmates” even tugged on the O-ring attached to my leather collar playfully! (and I don’t even have a leather collar!) I don’t even know these people that well in real life! Although dream-me was quite ecstatic to realise that M and I wouldn’t have to hide this side of our relationship…the dream did have a nice, comfortable feel to it though I have to say. For some people, my dream may not come across as weird but it was to me as generally, real life and D/s are very very distinct and separate in my world!

Actually, now that I think about it, I had another D/s related dream a few nights ago too…somebody was giving a talk on D/s somewhere (a school? uni?) and used me as an example….weird…maybe I’m just missing M too much…although he is coming down to see me in a week and a bit so I am very very excited 🙂

Or maybe I just want more friends in real life who are “in the know” so M and I can be a tad more open at times. Hmmm. It would be nice…

Does anyone else have odd dreams about D/s related things? And I don’t mean the erotic ones *waggles eyebrows* ;p I mean dreams that sorta leave you thinking “what the hell was that?!”

Submissive Personality (SGBHC #11)

Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge #11:

“Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?”

Let’s see…to introduce myself to the folks over at the SGBHC, I am a female, collared submissive (known as ‘kitten’ to my Dominant) who is still finding her feet (or paws if you ask M) in the world of BDSM and in particular D/s. I used to think of myself as more of a bedroom submissive than anything else, but lately I feel my submission has spilled out of the bedroom and into real life a bit more as M and I have agreed upon some rules for me that are intended to keep me healthy; physically, emotionally and mentally.

As M mentioned in my previous post, I do have different levels of submission that depend on my mood. All these levels combine to make up my (somewhat quirky) submissive personality. Most of the time, I’m quite a playful and affectionate submissive, but still obedient in my own way. (A bit like my namesake I suppose =^.^=) In this state, I’ll do what M asks but it definitely won’t be in an ‘eyes-cast-down-meek-yes-Sir’ way but more of a happy-slightly bouncy-kitten way. Does that even make sense?! Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly playful naughty, then I’ll either ask “whyyyy?” (you know that tone of voice kids use when questioning something you say and that’s the only word they’ll say to your answers?!) or mock refuse before eventually obeying. Some might call this brattiness or even say that I’m not a “real” submissive if I do that but you know what? I don’t care! They don’t know me or M, and this sort of behaviour is just part of who we are. M has never had a problem with it – I think he even enjoys it when I do things like that, as it gives him an excuse to “punish” me by spanking me playfully and taking me hard if I’m lucky ^^ (this is why we never use spanking as a punishment. M has alternative methods of dealing with any actual bad behaviour). That being said, I will never play around with orders which actually matter, e.g. things that concern my or his health or safety.

The other main level of submission is what M calls my ‘complete submission’. Generally, it only comes out when we are in an intense play session and it requires a little coaxing on M’s part to make it come out. Whilst the playful and affectionate side of my submission can come out whenever it likes with very little prompting from M, this side where I give myself over to M completely and utterly requires M to lead me into it. As mentioned in M’s guest post, he’ll always ask me if I want it before making me give up all control. I love that feeling of submitting so entirely to him – words cannot describe that blissful feeling of letting go and surrendering myself to him, obeying his every command…M told me once that for him, the sexual side is fun but it’s the deeper side, the level of trust I have in him that makes him more than happy to be my Dominant.

In the aftermath of an intense scene where I have submitted to M completely, afterwards I turn into a quiet little thing: meek, affectionate and obedient. This is also what I am like if I am generally in a quiet mood.

M loves the different sides to me – he has said to me many times that he loves me for all of who I am, not just one part. He encourages all aspects of my submission. Like tonight. I have been feeling quite playful and mischievous all day and the coffee cake I had after dinner has turned me into a slightly hyper kitten. So, I think skype with M when I finish writing this blog will be interesting. Hehe. When it comes to making me give myself over to him completely, he takes that opportunity to push my limits gently and help me grow in my submission to him, as well as address any fears I may have (example this post and the same from his perspective).

As a sub, I thrive on hearing praise from him, that I’m his good kitten/girl/slut/whatever he deems me to be in that moment in time. I also love hearing him tell me that I belong to him, completely. I hate disappointing him. Which is why, even if I’m playful and occasionally naughty, I’ll never push it so far that I directly disobey him or disappoint him. The mere thought of actually being bad and disappointing him makes my heart ache and I have been known to start whimpering (yes, I am very much like my namesake sometimes) and apologising for something M isn’t actually disappointed or angry about. I think above all, I fear having M’s affection withheld from me because of something I have done wrong. Which is why it is one of the most severe punishments M can give me for doing something bad.

Writing this has been interesting – it has made me think about myself, how I act around M and the possibilities of future growth. I know that I will continue to flourish and learn more about myself and about M as we continue on our journey together.

Guest Post by M

I asked M if he would do a guest post for me on my blog about Saturday night’s events and last October’s event which triggered those feelings. He agreed, so here is his post. It is unedited, save for the odd spelling/grammar mistake which I have corrected.

October. I didn’t find out about October until about November, maybe early December. I felt several things: rage, concern, worry, sympathy. Since then I have been trying to tease out the details of that night. To also add to what my kitten has said concerning H, the reason why I call her slut is that her submissive name that he called her was slut (whereas I call her kitten).

Saturday.

It started off in the room kitten was staying in. After a brief phonecall, she suddenly turned around and started growling at me. She then proceeded to try and pin me down at which I let it go so far, before forcing her up above me and then down onto the bed. We then moved to my room where the same happened. Safe to say kitten has a very short term memory.

At this point, I would like to point out how kitten has different levels of submission. Before I make kitten give over all control, I always ask her if she wants it first. As she said yes, she also asked that I call her slut. I obliged, telling her to hike up her dress and get on my cock. I started calling her slut. I also started asking kitten a series of questions; questions forcing her to submit to me and give over every part of herself. Whilst doing this, I asked a question I instantly regretted.

“No one else has any hold over you do they, not even if H calls you slut?”

kitten instantly flinched badly and almost collapsed into me. As she lay on me, I didn’t want to end our last night together in this way. I asked her if she felt like going further than ever and kitten said yes. I asked her to get a belt and then tied her hands with it. I started taking her again whilst calling her my slut.

As my very good slut, kitten carried on going. All credit to her, she faced her fears. We both came and afterwards she collapsed onto my chest as I tried to reassure her of how good a kitten she was and how proud of her I was.

Hopefully my kitten will not severely regress whilst away from me physically until we next see each other.

I am so proud of you kitten, and I still love you.

M xxx

A playful day (Weekend part 3)

On Sunday morning, I once again woke up to M quietly entering my room and sliding into bed next to me, pulling me close to him so we were spooning. I love that feeling of being not quite awake, but aware enough to know your Dominant/bf is snuggling you and that you’re safe…

Once we had woken up properly, we moved into his room intending to make love. However, neither of us realised that I was so incredibly sore and swollen up down there that any penetration was impossible without me almost crying in pain. So we just decided to snuggle naked in the end. Breakfast was an interesting affair…Sir had me wear one of his shirts down to the kitchen with nothing else on underneath. Needless to say, I felt very exposed and subby but loved at the same time. Odd how certain things can do that to me.

As we returned upstairs, M ordered me to grab the lube, go into his room and wait for him when I had finished in the bathroom. When I entered, he was already sitting on the bed waiting for me. Settling me on his lap, he said to me mock seriously, “Now, I believe you’ve been a bad kitten during the time we’ve been apart haven’t you?”

I widened my eyes and looked guiltily around the room.

“Kitten?”

“Hehe?” I peeked up at him, trying my best to smile innocently.

” ‘Hehe’ indeed. Hmm. I think you need to be punished for being so cheeky.” Despite his playful tone, he pushed me roughly over his knee and spanked me hard. I gasped and shifted a little on his lap. Several more smacks followed in the same place in quick succession. I could feel my left butt cheek starting to sting a little.

“Hmm do you think you need more punishment than this?”

“Yes please.” I replied a little breathlessly.

Smack smack smack smack smack. My other butt cheek started to sting a little now. I couldn’t help but moan at the sensations.

“Does my slut want more?”

I nodded.

“Alright. Shirt off. Now.”

When I stood naked before him, he had me kneel down between his knees and take him in my mouth. He grasped my hair and used it to move my head back and forth on his cock whilst I licked and sucked as best as I could. He then started pushing my head further and further down onto his cock, telling me to take as much of it as I could. I relaxed my throat and for the first time, I managed to take his entire length down my throat without gagging. After a moment, he let me back up and kissed me on the lips.

“Lube yourself up. Make my pussy wet for me so I can take you again.”

I did as he bid, even though it had hurt so much earlier. With the lube, I felt only a little pain as I slid onto him and started riding him.

I find myself amazed sometimes at how much M can make me cum sometimes – I cum almost every time he takes me, and Sunday morning was no exception. Even with the slight amount of pain, he made me cum hard.

As we lay there afterwards, M said that he wasn’t going to push me any further this weekend as I was leaving that night and he didn’t want me to drop too badly (if I did) when he wouldn’t be able to take care of me. I agreed although I whined at the thought of having to leave M again…He hushed me gently and comforted me by reminding me it was only three weeks before we would see each other again and not five like this time.

After lunch, I dosed myself up on antihistamines and ibuprofen – the former as we were about to go for a walk in the woods with M’s dog and the latter for my sore pussy. The walk itself was fun, even if it was really hot outside. M also clipped his dog’s lead onto my collar briefly and tugged me along playfully. We’re thinking of getting me a play collar to go around my neck and a lead to go with it so M can lead me around sometimes 🙂

There is not much more to tell…we spent the afternoon relaxing and snuggling as much as possible, knowing that I would have to leave again that evening.

It really was a wonderful weekend, all I’d hoped it to be and more…I can’t wait to see M again.

Thank you for an amazing weekend M. I love you so much x

Slut (Weekend part 2)

After we got back from dinner, we lounged around for a while, watching the first bit of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” before heading upstairs so I could shower as I was feeling quite tired by this point. However, I perked up a little when we got to his room and I thought it would be a good idea to pounce on M and tackle him to his bed. Hmm. Seems I forgot how strong M is. Oops. Our little wrestle on the bed didn’t last very long and of course, he came out victorious, pinning me down on my back, legs spread, with his fingers in me, stroking me mercilessly as I gasped and wriggled futilely.

“Hmm so if you’re in charge, why aren’t you making me stop fingering you?” M asked, a little mockingly.

My only answer was to moan a little more and to buck my hips.

“I think you need to be fucked again don’t you?”

I nodded mutely at him.

“Get over here then and ride my cock. Keep your dress on.” Sir withdrew his fingers from me and unbuckled his belt and shorts before lying down on the floor. I lowered myself onto him slowly – my thong had already been taken off sometime earlier and lay discarded in my room – and started fucking him.

“Do you want to be called bad names kitten? Do you? I think I will call you them…slut. My slut.” He thrust into me harder.

“Mine. Nobody else has any hold over you when they call you slut, do they?”

I shook my head hesitantly.

“So if H calls you slut-”

I flinched, badly. I couldn’t help myself. I started shaking and buried my head into M’s shoulder.

“No no no…shhhh…it’s ok, you’re safe. Shhhh…I’m sorry, that was too far…stay with me kitten, stay with me…shhhh….” M’s arms wrapped around me as he tried to soothe me.
“Let’s beat it tonight, shall we, once and for all?” he asked me gently, wiping away a few tears that had escaped my eyes. I sniffled and nodded.

“Ok,” I whispered.

“Ok…go get the belt for me.” M gazed at me compellingly, his eyes soft and understanding, but also determined at the same time. I bit my lip and nodded, climbing off him somewhat awkwardly to find his belt. I returned with it but before he could use it to bind my hands together, I pointed mutely at the packet of tissues next to him. The corners of his lips turned upwards slightly in a soft smile and he nodded, saying “of course kitten”. I took a tissue and used it to wipe my face clean of tears and set it down beside us, taking a deep breath as I did so. I offered my wrists to M without him prompting me and he looped the belt around my hands, securing it so my hands wouldn’t be able to move. He guided me back onto his cock as I placed my hands on the ground next to his head to steady myself.

“My slut…shh…stay with me. Stay with me.” I looked into his eyes as he thrust slowly into me and shut out everything else as best as I could. The flashbacks, the memories, the thoughts…everything. I was M’s. Nothing else mattered.

“Shh…you’re safe with me, aren’t you? You’re my slut and nobody else calling you that is allowed to have any effect on you are they? Not even H. You’re mine. You’re going to ride my cock whilst I call you slut, and you’re going to cum for me whilst I call you slut. Aren’t you?”

“…yes Sir.” It came out as barely a whisper.

“Louder slut…say it like you mean it.”

“Yes Sir! I’m your slut…” I started to bury my head in his neck again but he shook his head and told me firmly to keep my head up. Moving my hands so they were underneath his head, M started fucking me harder and faster, all the while calling me his slut…I whimpered when he came inside of me, plunging his cock into me deeply…

“Carry on riding my cock, slut.”

I started moving my hips as much as I could without falling over as my hands weren’t free to steady myself. Gradually, I started to realise that M calling me slut was turning me on, a lot and that I actually really wanted to cum on his cock whilst he called me slut.

When I finally came, it was explosive. I shuddered, I whimpered, I moaned, I cried. And still, M was calling me slut repeatedly throughout my trembling. As my shaking calmed down, he took the belt off my hands and hugged me to him gently.

“Shhh….there’s my good slut…”

Laying on the bed snuggling afterwards, I felt calm, calmer about being called slut and having the belt used on me than I ever had before. I wasn’t upset or shaken as I had been in the past. I was M’s and therefore the past shouldn’t have any hold over me. M is the only one who can affect me using those two things. Nobody else. I am safe with M. I am His submissive, His kitten, His girl, His sex slave, His slut and whatever else He deems me to be. I am His. I am M’s.

 

N.B. I am sure a lot of you are wondering about the significance of this to me and I shall explain to you, my readers, why this is as M requested I do so.

Last year, one of my exs (called H – my first “Dom” actually) took advantage of me when I was drunk (we weren’t going out and hadn’t been for a long time at that point) and it has left me with scars emotionally. As a result of this, I have associated certain things with him and have become scared of them. Of these, being called “slut” and having a belt used on me to be tied up are two of them.

Since I got together with M and told him about what happened, we have been trying to work together to try and overcome my fears. There have been set backs along the way and every time we have a breakthrough, I always seem to regress a little with time. Therefore in my eyes, what happened this Saturday night is a major development. I no longer flinch when M calls me slut – though how long this will last has yet to be seen. In conquering being called “slut”, I find I am no longer so afraid of the belt. I did after all offer my wrists to be bound willingly to M that night. It has confirmed to me that I truly do trust M – and that every time I get scared of something, it is just a scar of the past and not because I don’t trust M. Previously, I sometimes worried if I really did trust M not to hurt me, as every time we tried to conquer my fears, I would always flinch and panic. I know now that this is more of a reflexive defence mechanism than anything else. As a result of Saturday night, I hope this is the start of a new beginning for me, where I do not flinch away from M irrationally. Saturday night was also the reason behind this post as some may have realised.

That’s all I have to say really…look out for a guest post by M soon – I have requested that he write his version of Saturday night’s events so I can understand his point of view. With his permission, I shall share it with all of you.

Thanks for reading (:

kitten x

Bittersweet train journey (Weekend part 1)

So I just had the most amazing weekend ever. But as they say, all good things come to an end, and I am on the train home from M’s now. However, my pussy is nice and sore from being filled so much in the last three days, and I am pretty much purring in satisfaction and content.

Here is my account of the weekend. It will be split up into 3 parts most likely as there is too much to tell. However, my memory is a little hazy in places (probably because I have been pushed further than ever before by M, and I still haven’t quite come down from the high yet…), so forgive me if some details seem brief.

On Friday night, M took me hard and fast, making me ride him roughly as we were so desperate to feel each other after five weeks of not seeing each other…after we had both cum, he decided to inspect me properly as I had proposed the idea to him the other day.

He sat me down sideways on his lap and lifted my head up, turning it this way and that, peering at me closely. He said nothing to me, apart from the occasional, barely audible “hmm”s. Trailing his hands down to my neck, he stroked softly for a few moments before pushing me a little to get me to stand up. I could feel his hands stroking my back, going further down before resting on my arse and squeezing a little. Turning me around, he ghosted his hands over my breasts, before taking my nipples in his fingers and pinching them, squeezing my breasts roughly. His hands carried on their journey, skipping over my pussy saying “I shall inspect that properly in a moment” and running down each of my legs instead. After running his hands over every inch of my legs, he returned to my pussy, bidding me to lie down on the bed with my legs spread. As he probed and explored and tasted his bare pussy, I wriggled a little at the sensations.

Finally concluding his inspection, he sat back down on the bed beside me. Hesitantly, I asked what he thought.

“Hmm…you have a beautiful face, especially your pretty eyes. Your breasts are very nice and squeezable. Your legs are just so soft and smooth and your arse is just so spankable. My pussy is so wet and tight for me. I smiled shyly at his praise and cuddled closer to him.

After that, he wanted to try out my new butt plug on me so I obediently bent over the bed and let him push the plug into me, before taking me again…

The next morning, I had the pleasure of waking up to M sliding into bed with me to snuggle me. That morning we made love, gently and softly, whispering our love for each other whilst we moved together, gradually speeding up before those whispers turned to whimpers and then into soft cries of release…

However, I was still quite worked up and wanted more and begged M to let me use the butt plug on myself. He agreed and let me lube up the plug and slide it into myself…I love that feeling of being full. I moaned and whimpered, wriggling around slightly whilst M smirked at me.

“Feel good?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

I moaned an affirmative. M promptly turned me over his lap and landed a stinging blow to my butt cheek. I moaned even more at this.

Slap. Slap. Slap.

“I wonder what will happen if I spank here?” I felt my plug being played with and whimpered.

SLAP.

I squealed at the impact as it drove the plug deeper into me momentarily.

Slap. Slap. Slap.

Tugging me upright once more, Sir plunged his fingers into me and started fucking me with them.

“What do you want, kitten?”

“M-may I get myself off on your knee?”

Withdrawing his fingers slowly, he voiced an affirmative.

“Go on then kitten, grind yourself, get yourself off on my knee.”

I whimpered as I did so and moaned when he encouraged me.

“Go on slut, I can see you’re almost there, go on…”

When I finally came, I bucked against his knee and collapsed against him. M gathered me up into his arms and lay me down on his bed, cradling me to his chest, praising me softly.

At some point that morning, Sir also marked me. It wasn’t visible to anyone else but it made me feel so loved and wanted as a submissive…He dipped his fingers into his pussy to get them wet and drew an ‘M’ on it. Repeating the action, he drew on another ‘M’ on the right side of my left breast. He finally drew a third ‘M’ on my forehead, saying that he’d drawn one there because all of my thoughts belong to him as well. I nodded and snuggled closer to him. Then I said “my right boob feels a little left out now” as he had not drawn one there to match my left. He looked me in the eyes and said “I wasn’t drawing on your boob.” Needless to say, I was a little speechless and very touched to hear that he considers my heart to be his…I already knew it of course, but it’s nice to have evidence sometimes ^^ gooey kitten. That definitely merited more snuggles.

We spent the rest of the day pottering around the house and garden, as well as nipping out to the shops to get a few things. We also went out for dinner to a lovely little Thai restaurant and I wore the dress M got for me when he was on holiday in Rhodes 🙂

Now, after dinner when we got back home was interesting… TBC

His

I’m His…I’m His slut and nobody else’s. His. Nobody else using that name has any hold over me. And if they use it, I’ll just say “yes, yes I am a slut. I’m M’s slut.” Nobody else’s. I’m safe. I’m M’s.

Your gift

Satin across my skin,

The comforting weight around my wrist,

Feather light caresses,

Trust

Love

Honesty

Close to the floor,

Cheek on your knee,

Looking up at you,

Respect

Obedience

Pleasure

The power in your gaze,

The strength in your actions,

The firmness of your touch,

Rough

Hard

Unyielding

Yet careful, controlled and protective,

 

Yours to command,

Yours to guide,

Yours to love…

 

It’s what I want,

What I need…

Please

Take it…

Take me…

 

My submission,

Your gift.

 

Just a poem I found floating around when I was tidying my room earlier. Edited it a little bit to flow a bit better and changed a few phrases. Hope you enjoy. If you want to use it, please credit it back to me and send me a link. I’d also love to know what you think. Thanks!

Question:

To all my readers (including the lurkers :p),

Following on from my post below “Disgruntled kitten >.<” M has asked me to pass on a question he would like answered.

“In your opinion, is a submissive allowed/is it their place to try and tell their Dom not to spend so much money on them?”

Please comment with your answers! Would be much appreciated by us both 🙂

Disgruntled kitten >.<

Hmph. M is the world’s most annoying person. Ever. Well, he isn’t really. But he sort of is.

As my birthday and mine & M’s anniversary is coming up, M has been asking me what I want for my birthday/anniversary. Now, I’ve never been good with knowing what I want for birthdays and Christmases so I gave the standard sort of suggestions like jewellery, going out for dinner, flowers for our anniversary etc etc, even extending a few suggestions to include my subby side, like an engraved charm for my collar (which is a silver bracelet) and the very important birthday spanking 😉

But noooo, M wasn’t satisified by this list (apparently I have until he comes down to see me next month to keep adding to it. Not that I’ll think of that many things anyway.) and came up with his own idea to spend about £150 on a new Nintendo 3DS plus a game I want for me because he knows I’ve been contemplating getting one.

£150!! For any American readers, that’s $235, Europeans, that’s €190. In my eyes, that is far too much for someone to spend on me! Especially considering the fact that we’re both students still! What happened to saving our student loans?! Even if he has been working this summer. Maybe I just have a problem with people spending money on me…I guess that would explain my inability to tell people what I want for my birthday/Christmas etc. Though I never really honestly want very much anyway. I just don’t like the idea of someone spending so much money on me…they should be saving it to spend on themselves, on things they actually need, not little old me…

Conversely, I don’t have a problem spending money on other people who I care about…just don’t like it done to me…I’m just odd aren’t I? Does anyone else have the same problem?!

On other matters, I finally get to see M again this weekend! SO excited 🙂 can’t wait to snuggle, safe and sound in his arms again…plus I’ll be able to give him all the little presents I’ve got him from my holiday travels. As well as receive two of my own from him ^^ I’ve missed him so much. Hopefully we’ll be able to play as well this weekend, so fingers crossed, you guys might have a juicy post to read after the weekend 😉 (Don’t deny it, I know you like reading about that sort of stuff! You know who you are missy! 😉 )

Finally, apologies for the lack of updates this week – I was on holiday in Ireland, which is by the way, a beautiful country and I urge you all to go visit it if you get the opportunity. Plus the Irish are all very nice and friendly. Mustn’t forget the Guinness either. Or the Irish coffee. Or the amazing food. Or the accent. Or the hunky Irish men. Hey, don’t look at me like that! M’s half Irish! He’s the only Irish lad I would go for 😉 hmph. :p