nom nom nom paracetemol and strepsils…

I hate being ill. You can’t get anything done and you just feel awful all the time. Your appetite goes and you don’t want to do anything but sleep. Ugh. So, that’s my current status. And M isn’t even here to make me feel better this weekend – He went home to see his family. Oh well. C’est la vie. I did find an article a few months back about Dominants caring for their submissives when they were ill though which did make me smile – ah here it is.

Thursday and Friday (before I got ill) were amazing though…Thursday night, M and I had a rough play session again – that evening I showered and put my butt plug in as well as a thong before heading over to his… When I got there, he had me remove my clothing except for my underwear. And then he noticed the little surprise I had for him…he bent me over the bed roughly and stroked my arse, pinged my thong and tapped on the plug. I could barely restrain a moan. I held my breath, not knowing what he would do to me for surprising him with it…

He let me straighten back up before raising his eyebrow at me. I offered a small cheeky grin in return.

“Did you like my surprise?” I asked hopefully.

“Very nice.” He smiled before gesturing at the floor beside him, where I was to kneel and wait. Whilst I was waiting, he had me write down all the things I wanted that evening – he knows I find it difficult to tell him what I want out loud…

Things took off from there, and, well I was very well fucked…he had me beg him too…which was more difficult than I imagined actually – having to use the word “beg” made me feel so dependant on him…

We also tried anal sex…which didn’t quite go to plan…he went in and it felt good and then…pain. LOTS of pain. Not good pain either. So we abandoned that route fairly quickly and he cuddled me a little bit before carrying on fucking his pussy… M says I need to use my plug more often and work up to it and he might also get me more toys for my arse which are bigger to help…

 

Right, I’m off to rest some more so that I can get better soon hopefully

Hormones…

Don’t you just love them?! Ugh. Was NOT a happy kitty yesterday. Kept getting upset and annoyed at the littlest things. Was missing M a lot even though I know I’ll be seeing him on Sunday. PMS and all that jazz sucks. Didn’t help that I got woken up early by the tiler coming in to do the kitchen. He sings. Loudly. I guess he’s not actually that bad a singer…just has a poor choice in songs!

The mother also kept annoying me – I mean, I love her and all but she can be really annoying sometimes; kept interrupting me when I was on the phone to M. Ruined my peaceful subby mood 😦 luckily M knew I was feeling emotional and annoyed (and probably bordering on hysterical at points if I’m honest) and took control quickly before I threw a tantrum (I feel like a badly behaved, whiney child when I’m PMS-ing I swear!)

He shushed me and had me breathe deeply for a while.

“Breathe kitten…focus on me. Focus on me and nothing else. No…just me. No it’s not all ruined. Give yourself over to me. Ignore her. Just focus and breathe…”

We’ve used this technique before when I have flashbacks about last October (see note in italics at the end of that post) but I have to say it’s never worked as well as it did last night. I suppose the flashbacks are a lot scarier than my mother annoying me though…Anyway, the breathing technique worked! I felt all calm and kitteny afterwards and very comforted…I did have my nose buried into the shirt M had sprayed with his scent and given to me though, which probably helped a lot. I was completely focussed on M. Nothing else mattered.

We spoke on for a little while longer, and when Sir found out that I would have the house to myself for a few hours he issued a few orders for me to follow.

“After you have dinner, you are to go to the bathroom and give yourself a quick clean all over – and I mean everywhere. Then you are to run a bath and put your butt plug in. You are to then get youself off as many times as you can whilst you soak in the bath. You must soak for at least half an hour and you must play with yourself contantly. The butt plug isn’t to come out until you finish your bath.”

Yes Sir. After putting the phone down, I hurried round the house to do as he told. I took a quick shower and as I waited for the bath to fill afterwards, I bent over the side of the tub and slid the plug into my arse. Oh it felt good. Settling down into the hot water, I shifted for a while, trying to find a position that didn’t force the plug into a painful position. I started touching and rubbing my clit under the water, flicking it a little. I grabbed the vibrator I’d taken into the bathroom with me and slid it into me efortlessly. Soon, water was splashing everywhere as my attempts to cum became more frantic. Finally reaching my peak, I relaxed bonelessly in the water for a minute, letting the warmth soothe me. However, as I sat up to check the time, I realised I was still shaking. Whimpering a little, I started to slide the vibrator into me once more but I couldn’t stop shaking. In the end I settled for playing with my clit and caressing myself under the water.

When I was out of the bath and dry, M got me to ring him again and asked me to tell him what happened. He ordered me to finger myself  again to get my finger wet and then told me to re-draw the ‘M’s he had placed over my pussy and my heart three weeks ago. He then praised me for being his very good kitten and obeying him, giving myself over to him…

I spent the rest of the night snuggled up in his hoodie, perfectly content in the knowledge that I was his completely…

What’s more important?

I was talking to a friend of mine last night, whom I have played with casually in the past, and we got talking about what was more important to me: being M’s girlfriend or being M’s submissive?

Now, I have always thought that the girlfriend part would be more important but at the same time, I know I can’t be happy in a relationship if my subby side isn’t indulged. This friend said that he knew that the girlfriend part was more important to me and said he had proof. I was intrigued. So I asked him. This is what he said:

“After everytime I ever indulged your sub side – you wanted to be held. Everytime. I’m guessing that still happens. That’s the part that’s more important to you.”

That wasn’t what I expected him to say. But I guess it’s true. I always do want to be held by M after we play. But how does that relate to the girlfriend part being more important? Well, here is an example. When M and I got together, it was only casually at first. But every time we hooked up, by mutual agreement, he always stayed with me for a few hours to cuddle a bit and sleep, before sneaking out of the flat at 4 in the morning. (Good job too…the number of fire alarms my halls had at 7 in the morning…) And it was something that I was always very glad for…so perhaps that was my need for there to be a deeper connection between us than just giving and receiving pleasure. M didn’t even know about my subby side at that point. Which makes the case even stronger I suppose. The fact that I wanted to be his girlfriend above being his submissive…

What my friend said did make me pause and think – not because I was unsure which part of me was more important, but because I always thought that any feelings of vulnerability and my need to snuggle after sex/play stemmed from the need to feel that I was “normal” and that my wants/needs in bed weren’t weird or wrong. And I know there’s nothing wrong about it but I just thought I needed the reassurance. I’d never thought about it in the way my friend saw it…

So what’s more important to you? I know that first and foremost I am M’s girlfriend, even if being submissive does play a large part in our relationship…

a painful past…

I hate how I can be reduced to a quivering, terrified mess at the mere mention of certain topics. And not the good sort of quivering, terrified mess either.

Ever since M became my Dominant, he has been helping me get over certain things in my past that have interfered with my ability to submit to him. Occasionally, he asks me certain questions in order to get a better idea of particular areas of my past. However, in doing so, this often brings up painful memories for me…memories which sometimes I’d rather not exist…memories that for some reason frighten the life out this little kitten…

Tonight was one of these occasions. M asked me a few questions on the phone earlier that caused me to panic almost…I still answered of course…but I hate how certain memories have such a hold over me. And how memories that were previously unrelated suddenly seem so very threatening. It’s horrible…

Don’t get me wrong, I really, really appreciate that my Dominant is helping me get over those memories of the past that haunt me. It’s just it can be so frightening at times when you have flashbacks of things you never want to remember…

Luckily M had already anticipated that I would need lots of comfort afterwards. M is a very affectionate, loving and understanding Dominant so he has no problem with giving me the comfort I need. I love that he is still so loving and caring as my Dominant, and that he shows it too. I know that if I was with him right now, he’d be giving me lots and lots of snuggles. Might sound rather un-Domly of him but I honestly don’t care. And neither does he. That man can snuggle I tell you! Besides, there are still ways to snuggle that still make me feel owned by him 🙂

Oh and about the memories, I just thought of a quote that I think is very true. I think you’ll approve M 🙂

“Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.” – Rafiki, The Lion King

I love you Dominant…