So after a bit of a lapse in February in terms of D/s, M and I are back on the ball and it has never been better. There are things that we’ve agreed we need to work on, but it the main, things are progressing very nicely indeed.
Since becoming a 24/7 submissive, I have become more obedient – whereas before, I was quite bratty, M no longer hesitates to punish me if I act up. I also obey his orders without hesitating as much now, or questioning as much. I know I still have a lot to work on but I think I’m definitely more obedient than I was. M has also started to take more control of me sometimes which is nice – before I felt as if there was more he could do to me, to show me who was in charge, but now, he really seems to be developing his own way of dominating me and I’m very happy 🙂
The best thing is, he’s still so loving and kind and caring to me…gives me snuggles when I ask for them and always makes sure I’m ok…
It’s been almost a year since he properly collared me and I think we’ve come a long way since then. We’re both more comfortable and less awkward with each other as Dominant and submissive, and also we’re more aware of what we expect from each other, what each other’s limits are, what we enjoy, what care is needed… We’ve tried more things together and will continue to try stuff and see what makes us tick.
One area where we’ve had massive progress is my reactions to him surprising me, or being a little rough with me, or making sudden movements. This time last year, I was a bit of a wreck in terms of my reactions to him. I would flinch very badly if he made sudden movements, or if I felt like I was backed into a corner – hell, even the sound of him taking off his belt would make me flinch. All of these things, of course, stemmed from that one incident a year and a half ago with one of my ex-boyfriends, where I was taken advantage of and dominated against my will. Progress was initially slow-going as it was so fresh in my memory and I had difficulty shaking it at times. Progress came in fits and starts and got hampered at points by various factors, most recently by a university assignment in December where I had to write an essay on post-traumatic stress disorder and rape. Yeah, that wasn’t fun. Still, I’m pretty sure that’s the fastest I’ve ever completed an essay! But on a more serious note, we thought that was a major regression on my part, to the point where M hesitantly asked if I thought I would benefit from seeking counselling of some sort. I did think about it but in the end decided that I’d wait until after Christmas when the essay was done and handed in, and see how I felt then as I thought it might have just been the essay topic which kept reminding me of the event and getting me down.
After the New Year, things got a lot better, and I am definitely no longer as jumpy or scared if M makes sudden movements or plays a little rough. I’m no longer constantly thinking about it or being reminded of it either. I think I still have a way to go yet but I’m certainly nowhere near as bad as I was before. I’m moving on and healing. Being perfectly honest, I’m bored of thinking about the incident and rehashing it and overanalysing what I could have done differently. It just annoys me now whenever it crops up. It’s in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change anything. I’m M now: M is my boyfriend, M is my Dominant. I’m safe. M has definitely played a massive role in helping me through this and being so understanding; he’s taken things slow and not pushed me.
I really do feel safe with M. Even at night, when we sleep, M always reminds me I’m safe: I apparently have a tendency to whimper if I have a bad dream or something, and it’s almost become a reflex for M to roll over and cuddle me and murmur “it’s ok kitten, you’re safe. Dominant is here”. Even when we’re both half asleep, M is constantly looking out for me and I love that about him. I think that’s one of my favourite things about being his submissive – he always makes me feel safe and protected. He’s always aware of situations in which I might feel uncomfortable – e.g. crowded places, loud places, people arguing – and makes sure he stays close and that I feel protected…
I’m happy with where I am at the moment. Sure, there are loads of things I can/need to work on as M’s submissive, but I’m happy.
M has also grown into his dominance – I asked him yesterday if he’d ever felt like dominating me because he truly felt like it and not because I’d expressed any particular desire for him to dominate me and he said yes, lots of times. This made me really happy. Since I was the one to have in a way, introduced him to D/s and BDSM in general, I’ve always been a little worried that he was only doing it for my sake and not because he derived any particular pleasure from it. But that answer has sort of laid that fear to rest I suppose. Of course, I’ll still check from time to time but I hope M continues to enjoy it and dominates me for himself and not just for me.
I’m sure we’ll continue to grow and develop even more, both as a couple and as Dominant and submissive – it makes me wonder where we’ll be another year from now…who knows? But I can’t wait to find out.