a love letter to my Dominant…

Dear M,

I was wondering what to blog about tonight and noticed today’s prompt on SJP is “Write a love letter to your Owner”. Quite fitting considering the mood I am in tonight.

When I first met you, I had no idea that we would become what we are today – initially, you were just “that hot guy who doesn’t pick up on hints” and then you became “that hot guy in my group who always has the answer and still doesn’t pick up on hints”. Apparently I wasn’t all that enamored by you at first :p and then it all changed that night we kissed. I still remember the butterflies in my stomach when I realised that we were dancing together…alone…and then that feeling of anticipation as my gaze lifted meet yours. I think I almost moaned in that first kiss. It was…electrifying.

After that first night, I knew I wanted to get to know you more – there was something about you that just captured my attention. Maybe it was because you were so gentle and considerate that night. Stolen kisses, hidden glances, cheeky smiles, suggestive looks…I loved every minute of it. And look where we are now eh?

I love you – as my boyfriend and as my Dominant. I love how you can be so gentle and caring but firm when I need it. I love how you can always make me feel safe, even when I’m terrified. I love how you don’t care what anyone else says about us. I love how you’re always willing to try, for my sake. I love how you always take care of me.

I know we have our ups and downs, especially when we’re away from each other but we always manage to get through them together…and what doesn’t kill us, will only make us stronger. We’ve had a bit of a rocky year so far in terms of having vast amounts of shitty incidents thrown at us…and I know that had I been alone for the ones that were thrown at me directly, I don’t think I’d be in a very good place in my head right now…so I can’t thank you enough for all the love and support you’ve given me. Yeah, I know, you’ll say that it’s your job to take care of me but still…it can’t have been easy helping me whilst having to stay strong and not let your anger boil over, lest it frighten me even more…I think you know which incident in particular I am referring to. I know I still have a way to go, but I couldn’t have made it so far without you.

I miss you – we are about halfway through the amount of time we have to spend apart this summer, with two more trips to visit each other before we get to be together again. I miss being able to sleep in your arms at night and smell your comforting scent (and your grumbles about me stealing the duvet :p ). I miss being able to look into your eyes – so full of expression – and the way your pupils dilate when you get turned on. I miss being held by you, kissing you, snuggling you. I miss biting you (with or without your permission 😉 ) and submitting to you. I miss your smile and the sound of your voice. I miss the way you lovingly dominate me and control me. I miss you. All of you.

You mean so much to me – in both senses of who you are to me and I feel very very lucky to have you. I hope you know that. If you don’t, then obviously a) I haven’t been vocal enough expressing myself; b) I haven’t left enough pawprints over your lecture notes yet; and c) kitty hasn’t been scampering around enough in your heart ;p

I love you and I can’t wait to see you again.

Yours always,

kitten xxx

kitten has a new toy!

Wow. That was quite an experience. Right now, I am currently sitting here blogging…with a butt plug in my arse!

And how did I end up in this situation? Well…Sir gave orders that I was to buy or order a butt plug by Saturday as I have been thinking of getting one for some time now. So, being a dutiful kitten, I went into town and bought myself one. It’s pink!

Tonight, M ordered me to try it out…so with a little trepidation I took it out of its packaging, gave it a good wash and lubed it up… Pulling down my knickers, I bent myself over the dresser and slowly pushed the tip into me…I could feel it slowly but firmly stretching my arse, going in further and further until it could go in no more and popped into place. It felt exquisite…if I’d known how good it felt I would have invested in one earlier! I immediately asked Sir if I was allowed to cum – he said yes but he wanted me to use my vibrator on His pussy at the same time. Well. I slid my silver vibrator into my already wet pussy and thrust it in and out of me quickly…however, this wasn’t enough and after pulling it back out, I started using my fingers to thrust in and out whilst rubbing my clit at the same time. I could feel the pressure building quickly until it eventually exploded as I came, long and hard, this kitten’s pussy clenching around her own fingers…

After I’d recovered somewhat, I messaged M again, and although he had to go, he left me with my orders for the night: 1) I was to blog straight away; 2) I am allowed to cum again if I want to but both my vibrator and butt plug must be in use; and 3) I am to sleep naked tonight… *shivers* if it was this good tonight by myself, I can’t wait until I see him again and he can use the plug on me himself… Floating right now….

And I shall now leave you with a photo of my new toy 😉 after all, a picture is worth a thousand words.

kitten no more…?

“Do you find a sense of security in serving or being owned?” – lunaKM on Submissive Journal Prompts

I do find a massive sense of security in serving/being owned by M…perhaps it’s because of all he’s helped me through: I always feel safe when I’m with him. Safe in the knowledge that I am his, and his to do with as he pleases. Safe in the knowledge that he’d never hurt me and will always protect me. His very presence calms me…even when I’m terrified of something, it always soothes me somewhat to know that he is there for me and that he’ll protect me.

I derive a lot of happiness when I am allowed to serve M…it’s a huge relief for me to be able to submit to him and let him take charge. It’s therapeutic almost. I never get that feeling with anyone else. Ever. I know he’ll take care of me… Being able to focus on M and his needs and wants and fulfilling them makes me a very happy kitten indeed.

Being owned also gives me a huge sense of security because it shows me that M loves me for who I am…and that he doesn’t love just one part of me, or an image of me that he imagined…it means all the more to me because M was vanilla until he met me and even though it isn’t as much a part of his life as it is mine (he could still live very well without the D/s part of our relationship…whilst I can’t really…), the fact that he accepts the submissive part of me and is willing to try for my sake, reassures me that he loves all of me… To this day, I still thank whatever God(s) is(are) up there that he didn’t run for the hills as soon as I told him what I really am, but instead embraced it – albeit a little warily at first.

If M was not my Dominant then I’d feel as if my safety blanket has just been ripped away…I’d be left questioning whether he really loved all of me or if he only put up with it so he could be with the ‘normal’, vanilla side of me…

They say curiosity killed the cat…well this kitten is certainly no longer curious…I only hope this little kitten survives…

Triggers…

“What is it that triggers your submissiveness? Are there images or actions that do it for you?” – lunaKM on Submissive Journal Prompts

Over time, I have come to realise that my submissiveness is always there in the background, lurking, even if I’m doing something that requires me to take the lead. Sure, it might take a bit of coaxing or something drastic to come out in those circumstances, but it’s always there.

In general, my submissiveness can only be triggered by someone who I a) trust; b) am comfortable around; and c) knows that I am a submissive. So generally, very few people. The other circumstance, which I will not talk about in depth, is when I get so scared or feel threatened to such a degree that it becomes my defence mechanism.

Of the people who fit the above criteria, if they happen to use a firm tone of voice and decisive phrases, then I will inevitably start to feel slightly submissive. Of course, nobody has as much of an effect on me as M does – sometimes all he does is give me a certain look and I will be scrambling to obey him! M has been helping me to feel less submissive around those who should hold no authority over me, in light of what happened to me last year before I was with him…it has certainly helped me a lot and has made me feel a lot safer, even from my own memories…

On to the particular things M does that can always instantly make me feel submissive…using that firm tone of voice I so love, stroking/holding my throat lightly, giving me that particular look that just makes me melt, placing his hand on my cheek lovingly (I always lean into that particular touch…), holding me close to him in our special way…

I do things subconsciously too that make me feel submissive to M…touching/stroking my collar (a silver bracelet I wear constantly), sitting at his feet if there aren’t any spare chairs (and sometimes even when there are!), kissing his hand when he cups my cheek…

Like I mentioned earlier, there are also some bad triggers to my submission…examples include: generally unsafe situations (e.g. city street at night with drunk/aggressive people around), anything that makes me flashback to last year’s incident which I have been trying to get over with M’s help, people arguing loudly, people being angry… These triggers make me submissive in the sense that “I feel unsafe/scared. I want M here so He can protect me.”

And that’s all I can think of right now…there are probably more but these are the triggers that come to mind first. What are your triggers?

perfect weekend…

Why is it I miss M more after seeing him at the weekend than before? It’s not fair…especially after such an amazing weekend.

Arriving at his on Friday evening was interesting, considering I was picked up by his younger sister at the train station (who I’d never met) and had to spend about 20 minutes looking for each other! Plus the train station I was picked up from is really freaky at night o.O

Seeing him on the doorstep of his house, I felt a slight flutter of trepidation but then I was in his arms again, where I belong…and everything just felt so right. We didn’t do anything in particular that night – just stayed up until half 2 talking and catching up on missed snuggles and kisses. Which was absolutely fine by me. I’m not exactly going to complain about being snuggled!

Saturday morning I was woken up early by M coming into the guestroom for more snuggles – being half asleep still, I was a tiny bit grouchy about being woken up so early (it was 7am! 4 1/2 hours sleep is nowhere near enough in my books!) especially since I didn’t get the best night’s sleep. Still, snuggles are snuggles and the next hour or so I spent dozing contentedly in his arms until he left again so I could get a bit more sleep. Surprisingly, the hour of sleep I got after he left was a lot more restful than the few hours I’d slept before the snuggles. Maybe the kitten in me felt safer and more loved after M came in to snuggle me.

We spent the day traipsing round town (mainly between the O2 store and the bank. riveting stuff.) before catching the bus back to his as I was rather tired. We closeted ourselves in his room so I could rest a little. Except we got frisky 😉 before I knew it, M made the slight change from my loving and caring boyfriend, to my gentle but firm Dominant: he demanded that I grind myself on his knee and get myself off. If that didn’t make my knickers wet, I don’t know what did. But I did and this kitten liked it very much.

There’s something slightly humiliating about getting yourself off in front of your Dominant, especially by grinding on his knee of all things…but the kitten in me loved it and was very very wet and horny as a result. Little whimpers escaped me as he egged me on, calling me his slut whilst pinching and twisting and deliciously torturing my nipples. He stroked my throat softly before holding it firmly, a silent reminder of whose I am. As my orgasm ripped through me, I collapsed into his arms shuddering, letting him hold me and praise me for being his good kitten. I felt happy and safe knowing that I am his, always his, and I would do anything he asks of me. Kitten couldn’t quite cope with all that activity though, so soon after my release, I curled up next to M and fell asleep.

Sunday was possibly the best day I have had in a very very long time. After we’d had breakfast and gotten ready for the day, we managed to get the house to ourselves for a while as everybody else had gone out. Needless to say, M was onto me in a flash. Ordering me to strip for him and letting him touch me all over…making me sit on top of him and ride his hard cock…that first feeling of him inside of me, stretching me and filling me was intense – he had taken me on Friday and Saturday but this was the first time we didn’t have to worry about someone walking in on us. He made me ride him until both of us had cum, whilst spanking me and calling me his slut… afterwards, he gave me the punishment spanking I owed him for being cheeky last week. (oops.) Baring my arse for him and letting him spank my arse cheeks and also my arsehole and pussy… *shivers*

He went further after that as well…he fingered my wet pussy and played with my clit, ignoring my protests that it was hypersensitive after my orgasm. He constantly rubbed my g-spot hard, making me convulse and wriggle and moan on the bed wantonly, all the while whispering to me “…take it…go on, take it for me…no, stop squirming…be good for me…” I begged for him to stop. He didn’t. He carried on making me go into sensory overload whilst I carried on whimpering. Eventually he paused and asked me if I wanted him to stop. I gasped out a yes and was a little surprised when he asked if I wanted him to wipe all the juices on his fingers all over my bare pussy. Now normally, I’m not a massive fan of this but by this point, I was too far gone to care. He carefully wiped his fingers all over my bare pussy, spreading the juices around….

At that point, I knew I would have done anything he’d asked without hesitation. All I had in mind was the need to please him and submit to him. Perhaps that was subspace to me. I’ve never felt so totally owned but safe at the same time, or so willing to do His bidding…it was an incredible feeling and one I look forward to trying to recapture in the future with M.

Thank you M for a truly wonderful weekend. I love you so much x

ow ow fuckity ow

“…beautify yourself for the weekend, so legs, pussy and armpits bare, with your skin moisturised all over your body…”

I hate waxing down there. Especially if I haven’t kept it up for a while. Hurts like hell! I can deal with the sort of hurt that comes with M spanking my arse or even my clit, or having my nipples pinched really hard. But having all the hairs ripped out down there?! Nuh uh! I’m a massive wimp when it comes to that. But hey, when Sir orders it I’m not exactly going to refuse…especially since I’m seeing him this weekend for the first time in a month. So I gritted my teeth and did it anyway, even if I was reduced to a blubbering mess afterwards.

kitten enjoys submitting to M though, so even if it does sting like a fucker, I’d never hold it against him. Actually, I quite like it when M pushes me to do things that I’m slightly reluctant to do…I have to trust that he’ll take care of me and there’s just something so erotic and….it just makes my His pussy so so wet 😉 I’ll let you in on another secret too…sometimes I act bratty just so I can get him to be more forceful with me and punish me 😉 of course, I still love being his good little kitten but there are times when a girl just needs a good spanking/<insert other punishment here>

a painful past…

I hate how I can be reduced to a quivering, terrified mess at the mere mention of certain topics. And not the good sort of quivering, terrified mess either.

Ever since M became my Dominant, he has been helping me get over certain things in my past that have interfered with my ability to submit to him. Occasionally, he asks me certain questions in order to get a better idea of particular areas of my past. However, in doing so, this often brings up painful memories for me…memories which sometimes I’d rather not exist…memories that for some reason frighten the life out this little kitten…

Tonight was one of these occasions. M asked me a few questions on the phone earlier that caused me to panic almost…I still answered of course…but I hate how certain memories have such a hold over me. And how memories that were previously unrelated suddenly seem so very threatening. It’s horrible…

Don’t get me wrong, I really, really appreciate that my Dominant is helping me get over those memories of the past that haunt me. It’s just it can be so frightening at times when you have flashbacks of things you never want to remember…

Luckily M had already anticipated that I would need lots of comfort afterwards. M is a very affectionate, loving and understanding Dominant so he has no problem with giving me the comfort I need. I love that he is still so loving and caring as my Dominant, and that he shows it too. I know that if I was with him right now, he’d be giving me lots and lots of snuggles. Might sound rather un-Domly of him but I honestly don’t care. And neither does he. That man can snuggle I tell you! Besides, there are still ways to snuggle that still make me feel owned by him 🙂

Oh and about the memories, I just thought of a quote that I think is very true. I think you’ll approve M 🙂

“Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.” – Rafiki, The Lion King

I love you Dominant…

…lonely kitten…

Being hundreds of miles away from M currently, I am becoming all too well acquainted with the word alone. Although I know it is not permanent and we’ll be together again come September, along with a few trips to see each other in between, it is hard to stomach at times. I’m sure a lot of subs will agree with me when I say being separated from one’s Dominant can be incredibly hard and at times, possibly debilitating.

In the past when I have been separated from M (or any other Dominant I had the pleasure of submitting to at that time), I have to say I haven’t coped terribly well. I would pine and leap on my phone the minute it buzzed only to be disappointed when I realise the incoming text/call isn’t from my beloved Dominant. It’s always at its worst when I am idle, I have found. Having nothing to do all day sets my mind whirling with all the thoughts of how much I miss M and all the things we normally do together…or if I haven’t heard from him in a while, I start going through all the different reasons why that could be and generally get myself worked up and upset about it.

I feel lucky that M understands this part about me very well, and so each time we part, he lends me one of his shirts to keep for the whole time we are apart. He also sprays it with his…aftershave (he gets upset if I call it man-perfume 😀 ) so I can smell him whenever I want and pretend he is with me. It helps tremendously. We skype as often as we can, though because of his work this summer, it means that we can only do so at the weekends, though he still texts and rings me whenever he can to see if I’m ok…oh and to order me to do certain naughty things of course 😉

Other things I use to cope with being without him are keeping myself busy by seeing friends or spending time with family, curling up in bed with M’s shirt at night when I go to sleep, remembering all the different memories of times we’ve spent together and wrapping myself up in them, remembering that I am still his kitten even when we’re apart… When things get too much, I have two friends I seek out to try and make myself feel a bit better: one is a fellow sub like me and the other is a Dominant friend who isn’t in the lifestyle (at least I don’t think so! but then again I could be wrong 🙂 ) but someone who I think would actually make a great Dom.

Key thing is to keep yourself occupied I think and make regular contact with your Dominant…arrange a particular time to call or skype without distractions. I myself can’t wait to see M next weekend and catch up on a month’s worth of naughty activities 😉

Hello world!

Hi all!

As this is my first post, I’d thought I’d introduce myself.

I am a female submissive, known simply as “kitten” to my Dominant. I discovered BDSM four years ago and have been hooked ever since. So far, I have had three Dominants including my current one, all of whom were lovely, innocent vanilla guys before I corrupted them *evil grin* I’m still learning and trying to understand things about being a submissive, so forgive me if I seem ignorant.

I am a happily collared sub to my Dominant (who I shall refer to as “M” on here most of the time) and though our relationship is still fairly young, I’m sure it will grow more and more as time goes by.

On here, I shall be blogging about my thoughts on my submission, submission in general and perhaps a few naughty tidbits from my life with M 😉

Happy reading 🙂