so, it’s been a while…

Well it’s been a long while since I last posted. I blame it on real life interfering and to be honest I just didn’t have the will to write anything really.

M and I are still going strong and our relationship has been progressing and is as strong as ever. Next [academic] year, starting in September will see us in a long-distance relationship (sort of. does living an hour and 20 minutes away from each other count?) so we have been preparing ourselves for that. We’re currently hoping to see each other once a fortnight and we’ve been discussing things that we can do whilst apart to the D/s alive. So far, we’ve decided that I will have a certain number of tasks to do each week, all based on a certain theme, and failure to complete all of those tasks will result in punishment (involving clothes pegs and a naughty corner… 😦 )

Hopefully, we’ll both be busy with lots to do and so we won’t miss each other so much – M has rugby to keep him occupied outside of uni and I’ll have archery and going to the gym to keep me occupied. But it’s those dark nights alone and the weekends when there aren’t many people around that worry me…those are the times when you start thinking too much and start yourself off on a downwards spiral of loneliness…

But, we’ll pull through. I’m certain we will.

Training and future planning

I now have a training regime to follow. It was M’s idea – he proposed the idea to me last week and I thought it might be interesting to give it a go so after a bit of discussion, we decided on a regime that incorporates exercise and D/s training. So some form of exercise is on there everyday apart from Sunday, and the D/s side of things includes things like a weekly inspection, using my butt plug, using my Ben Wa balls, deepthroat training, one thong day a week… All this will start next week when we’re back at uni.

I’m not sure how this will turn out. I like the idea of it and I think it could potentially work very well – I seem to lack the self-motivation to go to the gym regularly and M has promised me much punishment if I fail to do any of the things in my weekly regime without a good reason e.g. illness, so on that front it might work out quite well. I’m just worried that work will get in the way of following through with my new regime and vice-versa. I mean, there’s only so much time in a day and we already always have so much work…

I really do like the idea though. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Perhaps some changes will need to be made as we give the regime a test run.

M and I also have to decide on what to do about my collar come September. From September, M and I will no longer be in the same city and additionally, our work placements start then. This wouldn’t be a problem if my arms didn’t have to be completely bare below the elbows when on placement. My collar is a silver bracelet. See, problem. Not allowed hand or wrist jewellery. We’re thinking of getting a necklace – but the thing is, it would still have to be a fairly unobtrusive necklace… An anklet is another idea but I would always be worried it would come off…not really sure what to do. It doesn’t feel right having to replace my collar with something else…don’t wanna 😦 grouchy. I could just take it off whenever I’m on placement…which would be 3 days a week from what I’ve heard from the upper years. Hmm…decisions decisions.

I also hate the idea of being away from M come September. Even if we’re only going to be an hour away from each other, he’s still going to be in a different city. And yes, I know, we’ll text and phone and skype each other, and we’ll still see each other every fortnight or so but still. After almost (by that point) 2 years of being able to see each other everyday and sleeping together most nights (no matter how much we say, “oh we’ll sleep apart tonight, really tired, have to get a good night’s sleep”), going long-distance is going to be strange. I have no doubt in my mind that we’ll get through it – one of my friends has already said that he’s sure we’ll manage it, we have “good foundations” apparently haha. It’s just annoying. I guess if we can get through the next two, potentially three years long-distance then we can handle anything…

I find it a little odd to be planning so long-term…it’s like I’ve suddenly realised that I’m and adult, and I’m grown up now. A lot of things have reinforced this to me lately – one of my close friends has just gotten engaged to his girlfriend, he’s the first one out of our group of friends…a girl I used to know in primary school just gave birth to her first child…

It’s odd. I’m an adult. I’m starting to think about career plans. Starting to think about slightly longer-term relationship plans with M – it’s no longer “when are we next going out for dinner?”, in September it’ll be “when will we see each other this year?” “do you want to spend the holidays with me and my family?” “shall I swap localities to be with you in 5th year?” M might disagree with me…hopefully he won’t be outright freaked out by this long-term talk but it’s sorta the way I see it sometimes, whether he likes it or not.

Still, I’m not all grown-up just yet. Afterall, I did overdo it with the ice cream yesterday at a buffet and spent the next three hours bouncing off the walls giggling hysterically, much to my friends’ amusement. Aaand I might have sent M cheeky texts saying “I’ve had too much white stuff! ;)”

Oops.

Reflections on the year…

Firstly, I am sososososo sorry I haven’t blogged! I did warn you guys though…but M feels that an apology is in order for not keeping you guys updated on things. So, I am very sorry. When M learnt that I hadn’t blogged for over two weeks, he wasn’t exactly pleased. As a consequence, my butt cheeks were rather stingy this morning… And now, that same arse is currently being filled with my butt plug. Oh M does like to torture me…He knows I’ll find it difficult to work now. Clever, very clever…

So, Friday was mine and M’s one year anniversary with each other. We went out for a lovely meal in the evening. He got me a charm for my bracelet/collar – it was a little silver cat! I love it so much. I got him a DVD he wanted, a book and some homemade chocolate truffles. There was a little domination as well as lots of cuddling and snuggling in bed afterwards.

Recently, I have felt that M is really growing into his role as my Dominant – he has been expecting more of me as a submissive and hasn’t really needed much prompting lately. It’s allowed me to relax a lot more as a submissive I think. I don’t mind teaching M about things he isn’t sure about or doesn’t know much about but it’s nice to really let him take the lead. The change from a completely vanilla boyfriend to being a Dominant in the bedroom has suited M I think. He definitely enjoys his time dominating me anyway :p

It’s been an interesting year with M. I can barely remember our initial conversations about BDSM when I first told him that I am a submissive. I do remember trying to explain exactly what that meant, but you can never really quite capture what it means, what it feels like, in words can you? And M didn’t understand much in the beginning. But I am incredibly glad that he was open to trying new things and accepted me wholeheartedly. In fact, it is he who has to remind me now that he loves me for all of who I am, whenever I get embarrassed about my reactions to him calling me slut and whore, and whispering those naughty, dark fantasies in my ear whilst he fucks me hard…

I love it when he uses me roughly, or when he is insistent with his commands even if I am a little reluctant to submit because I’m tired or I’m not in the mood…I always seem to end up enjoying it and asking for more…and I know I am always safe with him, so I know he won’t push me too far if I’m really not up to it.

I’ve also gotten past a lot of my fears [from last year (see note at bottom)] with M…I no longer flinch away from him if he makes sudden movements – obviously, I do still get startled like any other person, but it’s no longer disproportionate to the action. I no longer flinch when he calls me “slut” – I am his kitten, his submissive, and his only. I no longer flinch at the belt – in fact, in the last two weeks, I’ve asked him to whip me with it on several occasions. I no longer panic when M backs me into a corner  – I feel secure in an odd way.

However, there is still one thing which I haven’t quite gotten over. I’m still a little shaky when M takes me hard doggy-style. It just doesn’t feel intimate and I guess that’s part of the problem. I want to work on it with M and get over it, but I’m not too sure where to start…perhaps M will have some ideas…

I am incredibly happy to be with M and hope that we have many many more happy anniversaries to come. In eight months time, M and I will become a long-distance relationship due to the demands of our university course. I can’t say I like the idea but it was a conscious decision on our part. However, I know that we will be strong enough to cope with it. We will be supported by our friends I’m sure, and we’ll only be an hour away from each other so we’ll get to see each other often.

I love you M x

…lonely kitten…

Being hundreds of miles away from M currently, I am becoming all too well acquainted with the word alone. Although I know it is not permanent and we’ll be together again come September, along with a few trips to see each other in between, it is hard to stomach at times. I’m sure a lot of subs will agree with me when I say being separated from one’s Dominant can be incredibly hard and at times, possibly debilitating.

In the past when I have been separated from M (or any other Dominant I had the pleasure of submitting to at that time), I have to say I haven’t coped terribly well. I would pine and leap on my phone the minute it buzzed only to be disappointed when I realise the incoming text/call isn’t from my beloved Dominant. It’s always at its worst when I am idle, I have found. Having nothing to do all day sets my mind whirling with all the thoughts of how much I miss M and all the things we normally do together…or if I haven’t heard from him in a while, I start going through all the different reasons why that could be and generally get myself worked up and upset about it.

I feel lucky that M understands this part about me very well, and so each time we part, he lends me one of his shirts to keep for the whole time we are apart. He also sprays it with his…aftershave (he gets upset if I call it man-perfume 😀 ) so I can smell him whenever I want and pretend he is with me. It helps tremendously. We skype as often as we can, though because of his work this summer, it means that we can only do so at the weekends, though he still texts and rings me whenever he can to see if I’m ok…oh and to order me to do certain naughty things of course 😉

Other things I use to cope with being without him are keeping myself busy by seeing friends or spending time with family, curling up in bed with M’s shirt at night when I go to sleep, remembering all the different memories of times we’ve spent together and wrapping myself up in them, remembering that I am still his kitten even when we’re apart… When things get too much, I have two friends I seek out to try and make myself feel a bit better: one is a fellow sub like me and the other is a Dominant friend who isn’t in the lifestyle (at least I don’t think so! but then again I could be wrong 🙂 ) but someone who I think would actually make a great Dom.

Key thing is to keep yourself occupied I think and make regular contact with your Dominant…arrange a particular time to call or skype without distractions. I myself can’t wait to see M next weekend and catch up on a month’s worth of naughty activities 😉