Progress

So after a bit of a lapse in February in terms of D/s, M and I are back on the ball and it has never been better. There are things that we’ve agreed we need to work on, but it the main, things are progressing very nicely indeed.

Since becoming a 24/7 submissive, I have become more obedient – whereas before, I was quite bratty, M no longer hesitates to punish me if I act up. I also obey his orders without hesitating as much now, or questioning as much. I know I still have a lot to work on but I think I’m definitely more obedient than I was. M has also started to take more control of me sometimes which is nice – before I felt as if there was more he could do to me, to show me who was in charge, but now, he really seems to be developing his own way of dominating me and I’m very happy 🙂

The best thing is, he’s still so loving and kind and caring to me…gives me snuggles when I ask for them and always makes sure I’m ok…

It’s been almost a year since he properly collared me and I think we’ve come a long way since then. We’re both more comfortable and less awkward with each other as Dominant and submissive, and also we’re more aware of what we expect from each other, what each other’s limits are, what we enjoy, what care is needed… We’ve tried more things together and will continue to try stuff and see what makes us tick.

One area where we’ve had massive progress is my reactions to him surprising me, or being a little rough with me, or making sudden movements. This time last year, I was a bit of a wreck in terms of my reactions to him. I would flinch very badly if he made sudden movements, or if I felt like I was backed into a corner – hell, even the sound of him taking off his belt would make me flinch. All of these things, of course, stemmed from that one incident a year and a half ago with one of my ex-boyfriends, where I was taken advantage of and dominated against my will. Progress was initially slow-going as it was so fresh in my memory and I had difficulty shaking it at times. Progress came in fits and starts and got hampered at points by various factors, most recently by a university assignment in December where I had to write an essay on post-traumatic stress disorder and rape. Yeah, that wasn’t fun. Still, I’m pretty sure that’s the fastest I’ve ever completed an essay! But on a more serious note, we thought that was a major regression on my part, to the point where M hesitantly asked if I thought I would benefit from seeking counselling of some sort. I did think about it but in the end decided that I’d wait until after Christmas when the essay was done and handed in, and see how I felt then as I thought it might have just been the essay topic which kept reminding me of the event and getting me down.

After the New Year, things got a lot better, and I am definitely no longer as jumpy or scared if M makes sudden movements or plays a little rough. I’m no longer constantly thinking about it or being reminded of it either. I think I still have a way to go yet but I’m certainly nowhere near as bad as I was before. I’m moving on and healing. Being perfectly honest, I’m bored of thinking about the incident and rehashing it and overanalysing what I could have done differently. It just annoys me now whenever it crops up. It’s in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change anything. I’m M now: M is my boyfriend, M is my Dominant. I’m safe. M has definitely played a massive role in helping me through this and being so understanding; he’s taken things slow and not pushed me.

I really do feel safe with M. Even at night, when we sleep, M always reminds me I’m safe: I apparently have a tendency to whimper if I have a bad dream or something, and it’s almost become a reflex for M to roll over and cuddle me and murmur “it’s ok kitten, you’re safe. Dominant is here”. Even when we’re both half asleep, M is constantly looking out for me and I love that about him. I think that’s one of my favourite things about being his submissive – he always makes me feel safe and protected. He’s always aware of situations in which I might feel uncomfortable – e.g. crowded places, loud places, people arguing – and makes sure he stays close and that I feel protected…

I’m happy with where I am at the moment. Sure, there are loads of things I can/need to work on as M’s submissive, but I’m happy.

M has also grown into his dominance – I asked him yesterday if he’d ever felt like dominating me because he truly felt like it and not because I’d expressed any particular desire for him to dominate me and he said yes, lots of times. This made me really happy. Since I was the one to have in a way, introduced him to D/s and BDSM in general, I’ve always been a little worried that he was only doing it for my sake and not because he derived any particular pleasure from it. But that answer has sort of laid that fear to rest I suppose. Of course, I’ll still check from time to time but I hope M continues to enjoy it and dominates me for himself and not just for me.

I’m sure we’ll continue to grow and develop even more, both as a couple and as Dominant and submissive – it makes me wonder where we’ll be another year from now…who knows? But I can’t wait to find out.

 

Boxing Day fun

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas 🙂

My Christmas was lovely – had a scrumptious Christmas lunch cooked by Mum and had a good laugh at the cat chasing after all the bit of wrapping paper strewn around. Silly kitty. Almost as silly as me if you ask M…

Yesterday, I had a lovely day too. Was sat in my room relaxing, munching on the chocolate I got for Christmas doing research for my Dominant. What research I hear you ask? This was research on items or toys I might like to have. I spent a good few hours trawling through websites looking at toys and lingerie – and there was one particular pair of knickers that caught M’s eye when I sent him the link. His exact words in response were these: “please for the love of god buy them. so bloody sexy.” Hehehe. So I have been ordered to buy them, or to at least contemplate buying them. So if I do get them, I will model them for M and maybe get him to take a picture so you all can see 😉 who knows. They are pretty sexy though I’m not gonna lie.

M was there for the whole day yesterday, typing to me on skype, dominating me gently and generally taking care of me. I always love that he can still make me feel so safe and loved even when we’re away from each other.

In the evening, I worked on two essays I have to hand in when term begins again. One of them is of a slightly sensitive nature for me but luckily I was only editing that essay and so I wasn’t too affected by it. Perhaps I shall one day blog about it…it ties in with my past experiences and M having to pick up the pieces as a consequence…

By the time I’d finished I was sleepy and slightly grouchy because a) it’s that time of the month again (yes I sometimes have major issues with being moody during that time. Fecking hormones.); and b) I knew I had to be up early. Despite that, after I’d showered and was ready for bed, M forced me (gently!) to submit. It wasn’t anything major, just calming myself, focussing completely on him and listening to him describe to me what he was going to do to me once we get back to university. But it still made me feel very subby. Most likely because of what he was describing (it involved his cock, my mouth, cum everywhere and name-calling. I’ll let your imagination do the rest 😉 ). I don’t know why but afterwards, all my grouchiness faded away and it suddenly didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter that it was my TOTM or that I was sleepy and I had to be up early. It was all about him. All about submitting to my Dominant’s will and trusting him to take care of me. And it felt amazing. M let me sleep shortly after that. Sleep came quickly and contentedly for me then: all wrapped in my duvet with M’s top next to me and thoughts of M dominating me and taking care of me lingering and dancing on the edge of my thoughts, feeling safe, loved and owned…

Feeling submissive

M posed an interesting question to me earlier: “How do you feel when I make you feel kitteny [submissive]? What really gets you there? What doesn’t work?”

Feeling submissive…how do I describe it? It’s knowing that M is completely in charge but that I’m safe at the same time and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. It’s knowing I’ve lost control but being okay with it and accepting it. It’s being content about the fact that M can do anything he wishes to my body and knowing I can’t make any decisions about what happens to me. It’s that feeling I get when I know M is about to push my limits but not wanting to stop him and trusting that he’ll take care of me and bring me out the other side, whole and healthy.

That’s what it’s about for me. I think Jake from Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds says it very well in his article here.

And what really gets me there? M being insistent and consistent in what he wants from me. He doesn’t have to be forceful physically at all: just very firm in what he wants from me and not backing down if I voice a minor objection. Obviously if I’m objecting massively to something because I know it’ll hurt me or have a negative impact on an aspect of our real lives then he does listen and take into account what I’m saying.

Of course, it is always fun to be physically dominated too…cue M actually using his strength against me and me “struggling” against him. It’s not fair when I’m almost a foot shorter than M, who is also a rugby player….hmph. *pout* but that’s the fun of it I guess. Knowing that he can overpower me so easily and that any progress I do make in getting away is probably him humouring me before he catches me and makes me pay…*shiver*

And again, it’s about pushing my limits and having to trust that he’ll take care of me afterwards and bring me through it whole. I feel most vulnerable whenever I work through things with M that frighten me due to some baggage from my past. And it does scare me sometimes, but it helps when M is gently insistent and talks me through it, reminding me that it is him who is there and not anyone else. I’m most content when I stop fighting M and stop fearing whatever limit it is we’re working on. And then, when I feel the pride he has for me when I do that…it’s just amazing.

So what doesn’t work to make me feel submissive? I guess it’s the opposite of stuff that does work. If M isn’t consistent in what he wants from me, then I get confused and frustrated. Definitely not a good thing for making me feel kitteny. Or if he isn’t insistent with his orders. It makes me feel like he can’t follow through with his intentions and so I lose respect.

Also, one very important factor for me is that I have to feel loved and safe when all is said and done. Without it, I start doubting myself and my worth to M as a submissive. And then it’s just a downwards spiral from there. I have to know that after everything that’s happened, after everything that’s been said in a play session, he still loves me for who I am and that he cares about me.

D/s is about feeling the connection between myself and M, and rejoicing in it. It makes me feel alive. It’s aobut the two of us – nothing more, nothing less. As it should be.

Slut (Weekend part 2)

After we got back from dinner, we lounged around for a while, watching the first bit of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” before heading upstairs so I could shower as I was feeling quite tired by this point. However, I perked up a little when we got to his room and I thought it would be a good idea to pounce on M and tackle him to his bed. Hmm. Seems I forgot how strong M is. Oops. Our little wrestle on the bed didn’t last very long and of course, he came out victorious, pinning me down on my back, legs spread, with his fingers in me, stroking me mercilessly as I gasped and wriggled futilely.

“Hmm so if you’re in charge, why aren’t you making me stop fingering you?” M asked, a little mockingly.

My only answer was to moan a little more and to buck my hips.

“I think you need to be fucked again don’t you?”

I nodded mutely at him.

“Get over here then and ride my cock. Keep your dress on.” Sir withdrew his fingers from me and unbuckled his belt and shorts before lying down on the floor. I lowered myself onto him slowly – my thong had already been taken off sometime earlier and lay discarded in my room – and started fucking him.

“Do you want to be called bad names kitten? Do you? I think I will call you them…slut. My slut.” He thrust into me harder.

“Mine. Nobody else has any hold over you when they call you slut, do they?”

I shook my head hesitantly.

“So if H calls you slut-”

I flinched, badly. I couldn’t help myself. I started shaking and buried my head into M’s shoulder.

“No no no…shhhh…it’s ok, you’re safe. Shhhh…I’m sorry, that was too far…stay with me kitten, stay with me…shhhh….” M’s arms wrapped around me as he tried to soothe me.
“Let’s beat it tonight, shall we, once and for all?” he asked me gently, wiping away a few tears that had escaped my eyes. I sniffled and nodded.

“Ok,” I whispered.

“Ok…go get the belt for me.” M gazed at me compellingly, his eyes soft and understanding, but also determined at the same time. I bit my lip and nodded, climbing off him somewhat awkwardly to find his belt. I returned with it but before he could use it to bind my hands together, I pointed mutely at the packet of tissues next to him. The corners of his lips turned upwards slightly in a soft smile and he nodded, saying “of course kitten”. I took a tissue and used it to wipe my face clean of tears and set it down beside us, taking a deep breath as I did so. I offered my wrists to M without him prompting me and he looped the belt around my hands, securing it so my hands wouldn’t be able to move. He guided me back onto his cock as I placed my hands on the ground next to his head to steady myself.

“My slut…shh…stay with me. Stay with me.” I looked into his eyes as he thrust slowly into me and shut out everything else as best as I could. The flashbacks, the memories, the thoughts…everything. I was M’s. Nothing else mattered.

“Shh…you’re safe with me, aren’t you? You’re my slut and nobody else calling you that is allowed to have any effect on you are they? Not even H. You’re mine. You’re going to ride my cock whilst I call you slut, and you’re going to cum for me whilst I call you slut. Aren’t you?”

“…yes Sir.” It came out as barely a whisper.

“Louder slut…say it like you mean it.”

“Yes Sir! I’m your slut…” I started to bury my head in his neck again but he shook his head and told me firmly to keep my head up. Moving my hands so they were underneath his head, M started fucking me harder and faster, all the while calling me his slut…I whimpered when he came inside of me, plunging his cock into me deeply…

“Carry on riding my cock, slut.”

I started moving my hips as much as I could without falling over as my hands weren’t free to steady myself. Gradually, I started to realise that M calling me slut was turning me on, a lot and that I actually really wanted to cum on his cock whilst he called me slut.

When I finally came, it was explosive. I shuddered, I whimpered, I moaned, I cried. And still, M was calling me slut repeatedly throughout my trembling. As my shaking calmed down, he took the belt off my hands and hugged me to him gently.

“Shhh….there’s my good slut…”

Laying on the bed snuggling afterwards, I felt calm, calmer about being called slut and having the belt used on me than I ever had before. I wasn’t upset or shaken as I had been in the past. I was M’s and therefore the past shouldn’t have any hold over me. M is the only one who can affect me using those two things. Nobody else. I am safe with M. I am His submissive, His kitten, His girl, His sex slave, His slut and whatever else He deems me to be. I am His. I am M’s.

 

N.B. I am sure a lot of you are wondering about the significance of this to me and I shall explain to you, my readers, why this is as M requested I do so.

Last year, one of my exs (called H – my first “Dom” actually) took advantage of me when I was drunk (we weren’t going out and hadn’t been for a long time at that point) and it has left me with scars emotionally. As a result of this, I have associated certain things with him and have become scared of them. Of these, being called “slut” and having a belt used on me to be tied up are two of them.

Since I got together with M and told him about what happened, we have been trying to work together to try and overcome my fears. There have been set backs along the way and every time we have a breakthrough, I always seem to regress a little with time. Therefore in my eyes, what happened this Saturday night is a major development. I no longer flinch when M calls me slut – though how long this will last has yet to be seen. In conquering being called “slut”, I find I am no longer so afraid of the belt. I did after all offer my wrists to be bound willingly to M that night. It has confirmed to me that I truly do trust M – and that every time I get scared of something, it is just a scar of the past and not because I don’t trust M. Previously, I sometimes worried if I really did trust M not to hurt me, as every time we tried to conquer my fears, I would always flinch and panic. I know now that this is more of a reflexive defence mechanism than anything else. As a result of Saturday night, I hope this is the start of a new beginning for me, where I do not flinch away from M irrationally. Saturday night was also the reason behind this post as some may have realised.

That’s all I have to say really…look out for a guest post by M soon – I have requested that he write his version of Saturday night’s events so I can understand his point of view. With his permission, I shall share it with all of you.

Thanks for reading (:

kitten x

His

I’m His…I’m His slut and nobody else’s. His. Nobody else using that name has any hold over me. And if they use it, I’ll just say “yes, yes I am a slut. I’m M’s slut.” Nobody else’s. I’m safe. I’m M’s.