“Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?”
Let’s see…to introduce myself to the folks over at the SGBHC, I am a female, collared submissive (known as ‘kitten’ to my Dominant) who is still finding her feet (or paws if you ask M) in the world of BDSM and in particular D/s. I used to think of myself as more of a bedroom submissive than anything else, but lately I feel my submission has spilled out of the bedroom and into real life a bit more as M and I have agreed upon some rules for me that are intended to keep me healthy; physically, emotionally and mentally.
As M mentioned in my previous post, I do have different levels of submission that depend on my mood. All these levels combine to make up my (somewhat quirky) submissive personality. Most of the time, I’m quite a playful and affectionate submissive, but still obedient in my own way. (A bit like my namesake I suppose =^.^=) In this state, I’ll do what M asks but it definitely won’t be in an ‘eyes-cast-down-meek-yes-Sir’ way but more of a happy-slightly bouncy-kitten way. Does that even make sense?! Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly
playful naughty, then I’ll either ask “whyyyy?” (you know that tone of voice kids use when questioning something you say and that’s the only word they’ll say to your answers?!) or mock refuse before eventually obeying. Some might call this brattiness or even say that I’m not a “real” submissive if I do that but you know what? I don’t care! They don’t know me or M, and this sort of behaviour is just part of who we are. M has never had a problem with it – I think he even enjoys it when I do things like that, as it gives him an excuse to “punish” me by spanking me playfully and taking me hard if I’m lucky ^^ (this is why we never use spanking as a punishment. M has alternative methods of dealing with any actual bad behaviour). That being said, I will never play around with orders which actually matter, e.g. things that concern my or his health or safety.
The other main level of submission is what M calls my ‘complete submission’. Generally, it only comes out when we are in an intense play session and it requires a little coaxing on M’s part to make it come out. Whilst the playful and affectionate side of my submission can come out whenever it likes with very little prompting from M, this side where I give myself over to M completely and utterly requires M to lead me into it. As mentioned in M’s guest post, he’ll always ask me if I want it before making me give up all control. I love that feeling of submitting so entirely to him – words cannot describe that blissful feeling of letting go and surrendering myself to him, obeying his every command…M told me once that for him, the sexual side is fun but it’s the deeper side, the level of trust I have in him that makes him more than happy to be my Dominant.
In the aftermath of an intense scene where I have submitted to M completely, afterwards I turn into a quiet little thing: meek, affectionate and obedient. This is also what I am like if I am generally in a quiet mood.
M loves the different sides to me – he has said to me many times that he loves me for all of who I am, not just one part. He encourages all aspects of my submission. Like tonight. I have been feeling quite playful and mischievous all day and the coffee cake I had after dinner has turned me into a slightly hyper kitten. So, I think skype with M when I finish writing this blog will be interesting. Hehe. When it comes to making me give myself over to him completely, he takes that opportunity to push my limits gently and help me grow in my submission to him, as well as address any fears I may have (example this post and the same from his perspective).
As a sub, I thrive on hearing praise from him, that I’m his good kitten/girl/slut/whatever he deems me to be in that moment in time. I also love hearing him tell me that I belong to him, completely. I hate disappointing him. Which is why, even if I’m playful and occasionally naughty, I’ll never push it so far that I directly disobey him or disappoint him. The mere thought of actually being bad and disappointing him makes my heart ache and I have been known to start whimpering (yes, I am very much like my namesake sometimes) and apologising for something M isn’t actually disappointed or angry about. I think above all, I fear having M’s affection withheld from me because of something I have done wrong. Which is why it is one of the most severe punishments M can give me for doing something bad.
Writing this has been interesting – it has made me think about myself, how I act around M and the possibilities of future growth. I know that I will continue to flourish and learn more about myself and about M as we continue on our journey together.