so, it’s been a while…

Well it’s been a long while since I last posted. I blame it on real life interfering and to be honest I just didn’t have the will to write anything really.

M and I are still going strong and our relationship has been progressing and is as strong as ever. Next [academic] year, starting in September will see us in a long-distance relationship (sort of. does living an hour and 20 minutes away from each other count?) so we have been preparing ourselves for that. We’re currently hoping to see each other once a fortnight and we’ve been discussing things that we can do whilst apart to the D/s alive. So far, we’ve decided that I will have a certain number of tasks to do each week, all based on a certain theme, and failure to complete all of those tasks will result in punishment (involving clothes pegs and a naughty corner… 😦 )

Hopefully, we’ll both be busy with lots to do and so we won’t miss each other so much – M has rugby to keep him occupied outside of uni and I’ll have archery and going to the gym to keep me occupied. But it’s those dark nights alone and the weekends when there aren’t many people around that worry me…those are the times when you start thinking too much and start yourself off on a downwards spiral of loneliness…

But, we’ll pull through. I’m certain we will.

Training and future planning

I now have a training regime to follow. It was M’s idea – he proposed the idea to me last week and I thought it might be interesting to give it a go so after a bit of discussion, we decided on a regime that incorporates exercise and D/s training. So some form of exercise is on there everyday apart from Sunday, and the D/s side of things includes things like a weekly inspection, using my butt plug, using my Ben Wa balls, deepthroat training, one thong day a week… All this will start next week when we’re back at uni.

I’m not sure how this will turn out. I like the idea of it and I think it could potentially work very well – I seem to lack the self-motivation to go to the gym regularly and M has promised me much punishment if I fail to do any of the things in my weekly regime without a good reason e.g. illness, so on that front it might work out quite well. I’m just worried that work will get in the way of following through with my new regime and vice-versa. I mean, there’s only so much time in a day and we already always have so much work…

I really do like the idea though. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Perhaps some changes will need to be made as we give the regime a test run.

M and I also have to decide on what to do about my collar come September. From September, M and I will no longer be in the same city and additionally, our work placements start then. This wouldn’t be a problem if my arms didn’t have to be completely bare below the elbows when on placement. My collar is a silver bracelet. See, problem. Not allowed hand or wrist jewellery. We’re thinking of getting a necklace – but the thing is, it would still have to be a fairly unobtrusive necklace… An anklet is another idea but I would always be worried it would come off…not really sure what to do. It doesn’t feel right having to replace my collar with something else…don’t wanna 😦 grouchy. I could just take it off whenever I’m on placement…which would be 3 days a week from what I’ve heard from the upper years. Hmm…decisions decisions.

I also hate the idea of being away from M come September. Even if we’re only going to be an hour away from each other, he’s still going to be in a different city. And yes, I know, we’ll text and phone and skype each other, and we’ll still see each other every fortnight or so but still. After almost (by that point) 2 years of being able to see each other everyday and sleeping together most nights (no matter how much we say, “oh we’ll sleep apart tonight, really tired, have to get a good night’s sleep”), going long-distance is going to be strange. I have no doubt in my mind that we’ll get through it – one of my friends has already said that he’s sure we’ll manage it, we have “good foundations” apparently haha. It’s just annoying. I guess if we can get through the next two, potentially three years long-distance then we can handle anything…

I find it a little odd to be planning so long-term…it’s like I’ve suddenly realised that I’m and adult, and I’m grown up now. A lot of things have reinforced this to me lately – one of my close friends has just gotten engaged to his girlfriend, he’s the first one out of our group of friends…a girl I used to know in primary school just gave birth to her first child…

It’s odd. I’m an adult. I’m starting to think about career plans. Starting to think about slightly longer-term relationship plans with M – it’s no longer “when are we next going out for dinner?”, in September it’ll be “when will we see each other this year?” “do you want to spend the holidays with me and my family?” “shall I swap localities to be with you in 5th year?” M might disagree with me…hopefully he won’t be outright freaked out by this long-term talk but it’s sorta the way I see it sometimes, whether he likes it or not.

Still, I’m not all grown-up just yet. Afterall, I did overdo it with the ice cream yesterday at a buffet and spent the next three hours bouncing off the walls giggling hysterically, much to my friends’ amusement. Aaand I might have sent M cheeky texts saying “I’ve had too much white stuff! ;)”

Oops.

Hectic-ness!

Things have been hectic recently I have to admit, hence why I temoprarily vanished. Life should be settling down a little bit again now I’m back into a routine.

Let’s see…three essays handed in – one of which involved a bit of a panic last weekend as I needed a CV and personal statement to go with it; one exam done and dusted; one drunken night out celebrating my best friend’s birthday; one drunken phone call from aforementioned best friend at 2am a week later because she had lost her friends on a night out and didn’t want to trek home across the city by herself so wanted to stay at mine after finding my housemate in the club; one pair of sexy crotchless panties modelled for M; one set of Ben Wa balls being put to use; one cold; one week of listening to everyone else in the country talk about being snowed in whilst my area has no snow; one hour of listening to my housemates screech about the fact that it’s now finally snowing…

Oh yes this little kitten has been busy scampering around everywhere 🙂

M and I have also been having lots and lots of fun since we got back to uni – we’ve now definitely made the transition to being a more 24/7 D/s couple rather than just in the bedroom and I’m loving it. Of course, we’re still figuring things out and getting used to it but it seems to be going well so far 🙂

I like the feeling of being M’s all the time – it makes me feel cared for. It’s the little things that make me content – things like a light tap on my bottom to send me on my way to the shower, or the raising of M’s eyebrows as he gives me that look when I doodle pawprints over his notes in lectures. (oops?)

I think sometimes it can get a little too much though – especially if I have lots of work to do, then I’ll want/need to be more independant as I tend to work better that way, so we do need to find a middle ground. Obviously, M knows that work for our university course comes first no matter what and so he doesn’t hesitate to give me the room I need. He might guide me and help me prioritise my tasks but ultimately, it’s up to me to complete the work. It’s one the agreements we have: he’s not interfering with my academia. It’s when I’m supposed to be relaxing that I hit problems. For example, last weekend I was rushing to complete an essay, along with my CV and mini personal statement and I found that even when I was supposed to be relaxing, I didn’t feel like I could submit for fear it would break me out of my mental work zone too much and leave me unable to get back into it. As soon as I’d finished my essay and submitted it however, all of that evaporated and I was back to being my usual, playful kitteny self. I don’t think work is normally such an issue but when there’s a deadline looming, it does change one’s perspective on things. I guess we’ll just have to work things out as we go along…

I think M is quite enjoying it too as he knows he doesn’t have to sacrifice the girlfriend part of me in order to for us to have more D/s in our lives. Around our friends, housemates and any others we interact with, we are just a normal vanilla couple, and we still do all the things that a ‘normal’ couple would do. I think that’s maybe one of the biggest misconceptions I have (or had) about 24/7 couples: that they’re kinky all the time and the submissive does whatever the Dominant says at the drop of a hat. But that’s not true. I submit constantly to M, yes, but at the same time, real life goes on. My university course, and by extension my future job, demand me to be in leadership roles and to make decisions constantly. But that doesn’t stop me being a submissive. I submit to M, and not everything else in my life.

Things are going well though. We’ve actually scrapped the rules we had a while back as they just weren’t working for us but as M has more say in my life generally now, that’s not a problem. It just means that those rules can be turned into day-to-day orders that suit us better as our schedules can vary so much.

I’m a content little kitten right now 🙂 made the best chilli con carne earlier too. and we’re going out for dinner on Saturday. *wriggles* rawr 🙂

Lost kitty…

I’ve had a wonderful few days with M – he came down on Sunday morning and left yesterday (Tuesday) lunchtime. Our time together was more vanilla-y than the last two times this summer, so there is not much to tell. Real life also kicked in with a vengeance on Tuesday morning unfortunately for M, cutting short our time together.

I just haven’t been feeling very submissive at all over the last week or so…it’s not that I’ve been acting up and refusing his orders – I just haven’t really been in the right frame of mind to enjoy submitting to him…it’s odd. It’s never really happened to me before – well, not without a specific reason anyway, only when I’ve been extremely busy and stressed with work maybe but even then I find it relaxing to submit when I find the time.

Perhaps I wanted to reaffirm the bf/gf part of mine and M’s relationship…I don’t know. This summer has been heavy on the D/s side compared to how we were when we were at uni together and I have enjoyed it – I think it’s probably helped us to cope with being away from each other. So as the beginning of term approaches once more, maybe I just wanted a bit more…love? Romance? Affection? None of those words adequately describe what I’m trying to say…I’ve already said in a previous post that being M’s gf is more important and perhaps that’s what I wanted to feel in the last week. I needed the connection. But at the same time, it’s not like being M’s sub means that he doesn’t care about me! It doesn’t mean that I don’t get any affection, love, care…which makes it all the more confusing. I even thought at one point that maybe I’m not really a sub…do other subs have off-days too?! I don’t know the answer to that…

But then, right now all I want is M to take care of me…sorta like how he does after we’ve played…or maybe I just want snuggles. I don’t know! It doesn’t help that I’ve been worried (and still am) about M (when I said real life kicked in with a vengeance, I meant it) and I won’t be able to contact him until Saturday…*sigh* my heads all messed up at the moment…

What’s more important?

I was talking to a friend of mine last night, whom I have played with casually in the past, and we got talking about what was more important to me: being M’s girlfriend or being M’s submissive?

Now, I have always thought that the girlfriend part would be more important but at the same time, I know I can’t be happy in a relationship if my subby side isn’t indulged. This friend said that he knew that the girlfriend part was more important to me and said he had proof. I was intrigued. So I asked him. This is what he said:

“After everytime I ever indulged your sub side – you wanted to be held. Everytime. I’m guessing that still happens. That’s the part that’s more important to you.”

That wasn’t what I expected him to say. But I guess it’s true. I always do want to be held by M after we play. But how does that relate to the girlfriend part being more important? Well, here is an example. When M and I got together, it was only casually at first. But every time we hooked up, by mutual agreement, he always stayed with me for a few hours to cuddle a bit and sleep, before sneaking out of the flat at 4 in the morning. (Good job too…the number of fire alarms my halls had at 7 in the morning…) And it was something that I was always very glad for…so perhaps that was my need for there to be a deeper connection between us than just giving and receiving pleasure. M didn’t even know about my subby side at that point. Which makes the case even stronger I suppose. The fact that I wanted to be his girlfriend above being his submissive…

What my friend said did make me pause and think – not because I was unsure which part of me was more important, but because I always thought that any feelings of vulnerability and my need to snuggle after sex/play stemmed from the need to feel that I was “normal” and that my wants/needs in bed weren’t weird or wrong. And I know there’s nothing wrong about it but I just thought I needed the reassurance. I’d never thought about it in the way my friend saw it…

So what’s more important to you? I know that first and foremost I am M’s girlfriend, even if being submissive does play a large part in our relationship…