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Progress

So after a bit of a lapse in February in terms of D/s, M and I are back on the ball and it has never been better. There are things that we’ve agreed we need to work on, but it the main, things are progressing very nicely indeed.

Since becoming a 24/7 submissive, I have become more obedient – whereas before, I was quite bratty, M no longer hesitates to punish me if I act up. I also obey his orders without hesitating as much now, or questioning as much. I know I still have a lot to work on but I think I’m definitely more obedient than I was. M has also started to take more control of me sometimes which is nice – before I felt as if there was more he could do to me, to show me who was in charge, but now, he really seems to be developing his own way of dominating me and I’m very happy 🙂

The best thing is, he’s still so loving and kind and caring to me…gives me snuggles when I ask for them and always makes sure I’m ok…

It’s been almost a year since he properly collared me and I think we’ve come a long way since then. We’re both more comfortable and less awkward with each other as Dominant and submissive, and also we’re more aware of what we expect from each other, what each other’s limits are, what we enjoy, what care is needed… We’ve tried more things together and will continue to try stuff and see what makes us tick.

One area where we’ve had massive progress is my reactions to him surprising me, or being a little rough with me, or making sudden movements. This time last year, I was a bit of a wreck in terms of my reactions to him. I would flinch very badly if he made sudden movements, or if I felt like I was backed into a corner – hell, even the sound of him taking off his belt would make me flinch. All of these things, of course, stemmed from that one incident a year and a half ago with one of my ex-boyfriends, where I was taken advantage of and dominated against my will. Progress was initially slow-going as it was so fresh in my memory and I had difficulty shaking it at times. Progress came in fits and starts and got hampered at points by various factors, most recently by a university assignment in December where I had to write an essay on post-traumatic stress disorder and rape. Yeah, that wasn’t fun. Still, I’m pretty sure that’s the fastest I’ve ever completed an essay! But on a more serious note, we thought that was a major regression on my part, to the point where M hesitantly asked if I thought I would benefit from seeking counselling of some sort. I did think about it but in the end decided that I’d wait until after Christmas when the essay was done and handed in, and see how I felt then as I thought it might have just been the essay topic which kept reminding me of the event and getting me down.

After the New Year, things got a lot better, and I am definitely no longer as jumpy or scared if M makes sudden movements or plays a little rough. I’m no longer constantly thinking about it or being reminded of it either. I think I still have a way to go yet but I’m certainly nowhere near as bad as I was before. I’m moving on and healing. Being perfectly honest, I’m bored of thinking about the incident and rehashing it and overanalysing what I could have done differently. It just annoys me now whenever it crops up. It’s in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change anything. I’m M now: M is my boyfriend, M is my Dominant. I’m safe. M has definitely played a massive role in helping me through this and being so understanding; he’s taken things slow and not pushed me.

I really do feel safe with M. Even at night, when we sleep, M always reminds me I’m safe: I apparently have a tendency to whimper if I have a bad dream or something, and it’s almost become a reflex for M to roll over and cuddle me and murmur “it’s ok kitten, you’re safe. Dominant is here”. Even when we’re both half asleep, M is constantly looking out for me and I love that about him. I think that’s one of my favourite things about being his submissive – he always makes me feel safe and protected. He’s always aware of situations in which I might feel uncomfortable – e.g. crowded places, loud places, people arguing – and makes sure he stays close and that I feel protected…

I’m happy with where I am at the moment. Sure, there are loads of things I can/need to work on as M’s submissive, but I’m happy.

M has also grown into his dominance – I asked him yesterday if he’d ever felt like dominating me because he truly felt like it and not because I’d expressed any particular desire for him to dominate me and he said yes, lots of times. This made me really happy. Since I was the one to have in a way, introduced him to D/s and BDSM in general, I’ve always been a little worried that he was only doing it for my sake and not because he derived any particular pleasure from it. But that answer has sort of laid that fear to rest I suppose. Of course, I’ll still check from time to time but I hope M continues to enjoy it and dominates me for himself and not just for me.

I’m sure we’ll continue to grow and develop even more, both as a couple and as Dominant and submissive – it makes me wonder where we’ll be another year from now…who knows? But I can’t wait to find out.

 

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Feeling submissive

M posed an interesting question to me earlier: “How do you feel when I make you feel kitteny [submissive]? What really gets you there? What doesn’t work?”

Feeling submissive…how do I describe it? It’s knowing that M is completely in charge but that I’m safe at the same time and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. It’s knowing I’ve lost control but being okay with it and accepting it. It’s being content about the fact that M can do anything he wishes to my body and knowing I can’t make any decisions about what happens to me. It’s that feeling I get when I know M is about to push my limits but not wanting to stop him and trusting that he’ll take care of me and bring me out the other side, whole and healthy.

That’s what it’s about for me. I think Jake from Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds says it very well in his article here.

And what really gets me there? M being insistent and consistent in what he wants from me. He doesn’t have to be forceful physically at all: just very firm in what he wants from me and not backing down if I voice a minor objection. Obviously if I’m objecting massively to something because I know it’ll hurt me or have a negative impact on an aspect of our real lives then he does listen and take into account what I’m saying.

Of course, it is always fun to be physically dominated too…cue M actually using his strength against me and me “struggling” against him. It’s not fair when I’m almost a foot shorter than M, who is also a rugby player….hmph. *pout* but that’s the fun of it I guess. Knowing that he can overpower me so easily and that any progress I do make in getting away is probably him humouring me before he catches me and makes me pay…*shiver*

And again, it’s about pushing my limits and having to trust that he’ll take care of me afterwards and bring me through it whole. I feel most vulnerable whenever I work through things with M that frighten me due to some baggage from my past. And it does scare me sometimes, but it helps when M is gently insistent and talks me through it, reminding me that it is him who is there and not anyone else. I’m most content when I stop fighting M and stop fearing whatever limit it is we’re working on. And then, when I feel the pride he has for me when I do that…it’s just amazing.

So what doesn’t work to make me feel submissive? I guess it’s the opposite of stuff that does work. If M isn’t consistent in what he wants from me, then I get confused and frustrated. Definitely not a good thing for making me feel kitteny. Or if he isn’t insistent with his orders. It makes me feel like he can’t follow through with his intentions and so I lose respect.

Also, one very important factor for me is that I have to feel loved and safe when all is said and done. Without it, I start doubting myself and my worth to M as a submissive. And then it’s just a downwards spiral from there. I have to know that after everything that’s happened, after everything that’s been said in a play session, he still loves me for who I am and that he cares about me.

D/s is about feeling the connection between myself and M, and rejoicing in it. It makes me feel alive. It’s aobut the two of us – nothing more, nothing less. As it should be.

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Reflections on the year…

Firstly, I am sososososo sorry I haven’t blogged! I did warn you guys though…but M feels that an apology is in order for not keeping you guys updated on things. So, I am very sorry. When M learnt that I hadn’t blogged for over two weeks, he wasn’t exactly pleased. As a consequence, my butt cheeks were rather stingy this morning… And now, that same arse is currently being filled with my butt plug. Oh M does like to torture me…He knows I’ll find it difficult to work now. Clever, very clever…

So, Friday was mine and M’s one year anniversary with each other. We went out for a lovely meal in the evening. He got me a charm for my bracelet/collar – it was a little silver cat! I love it so much. I got him a DVD he wanted, a book and some homemade chocolate truffles. There was a little domination as well as lots of cuddling and snuggling in bed afterwards.

Recently, I have felt that M is really growing into his role as my Dominant – he has been expecting more of me as a submissive and hasn’t really needed much prompting lately. It’s allowed me to relax a lot more as a submissive I think. I don’t mind teaching M about things he isn’t sure about or doesn’t know much about but it’s nice to really let him take the lead. The change from a completely vanilla boyfriend to being a Dominant in the bedroom has suited M I think. He definitely enjoys his time dominating me anyway :p

It’s been an interesting year with M. I can barely remember our initial conversations about BDSM when I first told him that I am a submissive. I do remember trying to explain exactly what that meant, but you can never really quite capture what it means, what it feels like, in words can you? And M didn’t understand much in the beginning. But I am incredibly glad that he was open to trying new things and accepted me wholeheartedly. In fact, it is he who has to remind me now that he loves me for all of who I am, whenever I get embarrassed about my reactions to him calling me slut and whore, and whispering those naughty, dark fantasies in my ear whilst he fucks me hard…

I love it when he uses me roughly, or when he is insistent with his commands even if I am a little reluctant to submit because I’m tired or I’m not in the mood…I always seem to end up enjoying it and asking for more…and I know I am always safe with him, so I know he won’t push me too far if I’m really not up to it.

I’ve also gotten past a lot of my fears [from last year (see note at bottom)] with M…I no longer flinch away from him if he makes sudden movements – obviously, I do still get startled like any other person, but it’s no longer disproportionate to the action. I no longer flinch when he calls me “slut” – I am his kitten, his submissive, and his only. I no longer flinch at the belt – in fact, in the last two weeks, I’ve asked him to whip me with it on several occasions. I no longer panic when M backs me into a corner  – I feel secure in an odd way.

However, there is still one thing which I haven’t quite gotten over. I’m still a little shaky when M takes me hard doggy-style. It just doesn’t feel intimate and I guess that’s part of the problem. I want to work on it with M and get over it, but I’m not too sure where to start…perhaps M will have some ideas…

I am incredibly happy to be with M and hope that we have many many more happy anniversaries to come. In eight months time, M and I will become a long-distance relationship due to the demands of our university course. I can’t say I like the idea but it was a conscious decision on our part. However, I know that we will be strong enough to cope with it. We will be supported by our friends I’m sure, and we’ll only be an hour away from each other so we’ll get to see each other often.

I love you M x

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Guest Post by M

I asked M if he would do a guest post for me on my blog about Saturday night’s events and last October’s event which triggered those feelings. He agreed, so here is his post. It is unedited, save for the odd spelling/grammar mistake which I have corrected.

October. I didn’t find out about October until about November, maybe early December. I felt several things: rage, concern, worry, sympathy. Since then I have been trying to tease out the details of that night. To also add to what my kitten has said concerning H, the reason why I call her slut is that her submissive name that he called her was slut (whereas I call her kitten).

Saturday.

It started off in the room kitten was staying in. After a brief phonecall, she suddenly turned around and started growling at me. She then proceeded to try and pin me down at which I let it go so far, before forcing her up above me and then down onto the bed. We then moved to my room where the same happened. Safe to say kitten has a very short term memory.

At this point, I would like to point out how kitten has different levels of submission. Before I make kitten give over all control, I always ask her if she wants it first. As she said yes, she also asked that I call her slut. I obliged, telling her to hike up her dress and get on my cock. I started calling her slut. I also started asking kitten a series of questions; questions forcing her to submit to me and give over every part of herself. Whilst doing this, I asked a question I instantly regretted.

“No one else has any hold over you do they, not even if H calls you slut?”

kitten instantly flinched badly and almost collapsed into me. As she lay on me, I didn’t want to end our last night together in this way. I asked her if she felt like going further than ever and kitten said yes. I asked her to get a belt and then tied her hands with it. I started taking her again whilst calling her my slut.

As my very good slut, kitten carried on going. All credit to her, she faced her fears. We both came and afterwards she collapsed onto my chest as I tried to reassure her of how good a kitten she was and how proud of her I was.

Hopefully my kitten will not severely regress whilst away from me physically until we next see each other.

I am so proud of you kitten, and I still love you.

M xxx

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A playful day (Weekend part 3)

On Sunday morning, I once again woke up to M quietly entering my room and sliding into bed next to me, pulling me close to him so we were spooning. I love that feeling of being not quite awake, but aware enough to know your Dominant/bf is snuggling you and that you’re safe…

Once we had woken up properly, we moved into his room intending to make love. However, neither of us realised that I was so incredibly sore and swollen up down there that any penetration was impossible without me almost crying in pain. So we just decided to snuggle naked in the end. Breakfast was an interesting affair…Sir had me wear one of his shirts down to the kitchen with nothing else on underneath. Needless to say, I felt very exposed and subby but loved at the same time. Odd how certain things can do that to me.

As we returned upstairs, M ordered me to grab the lube, go into his room and wait for him when I had finished in the bathroom. When I entered, he was already sitting on the bed waiting for me. Settling me on his lap, he said to me mock seriously, “Now, I believe you’ve been a bad kitten during the time we’ve been apart haven’t you?”

I widened my eyes and looked guiltily around the room.

“Kitten?”

“Hehe?” I peeked up at him, trying my best to smile innocently.

” ‘Hehe’ indeed. Hmm. I think you need to be punished for being so cheeky.” Despite his playful tone, he pushed me roughly over his knee and spanked me hard. I gasped and shifted a little on his lap. Several more smacks followed in the same place in quick succession. I could feel my left butt cheek starting to sting a little.

“Hmm do you think you need more punishment than this?”

“Yes please.” I replied a little breathlessly.

Smack smack smack smack smack. My other butt cheek started to sting a little now. I couldn’t help but moan at the sensations.

“Does my slut want more?”

I nodded.

“Alright. Shirt off. Now.”

When I stood naked before him, he had me kneel down between his knees and take him in my mouth. He grasped my hair and used it to move my head back and forth on his cock whilst I licked and sucked as best as I could. He then started pushing my head further and further down onto his cock, telling me to take as much of it as I could. I relaxed my throat and for the first time, I managed to take his entire length down my throat without gagging. After a moment, he let me back up and kissed me on the lips.

“Lube yourself up. Make my pussy wet for me so I can take you again.”

I did as he bid, even though it had hurt so much earlier. With the lube, I felt only a little pain as I slid onto him and started riding him.

I find myself amazed sometimes at how much M can make me cum sometimes – I cum almost every time he takes me, and Sunday morning was no exception. Even with the slight amount of pain, he made me cum hard.

As we lay there afterwards, M said that he wasn’t going to push me any further this weekend as I was leaving that night and he didn’t want me to drop too badly (if I did) when he wouldn’t be able to take care of me. I agreed although I whined at the thought of having to leave M again…He hushed me gently and comforted me by reminding me it was only three weeks before we would see each other again and not five like this time.

After lunch, I dosed myself up on antihistamines and ibuprofen – the former as we were about to go for a walk in the woods with M’s dog and the latter for my sore pussy. The walk itself was fun, even if it was really hot outside. M also clipped his dog’s lead onto my collar briefly and tugged me along playfully. We’re thinking of getting me a play collar to go around my neck and a lead to go with it so M can lead me around sometimes 🙂

There is not much more to tell…we spent the afternoon relaxing and snuggling as much as possible, knowing that I would have to leave again that evening.

It really was a wonderful weekend, all I’d hoped it to be and more…I can’t wait to see M again.

Thank you for an amazing weekend M. I love you so much x

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Slut (Weekend part 2)

After we got back from dinner, we lounged around for a while, watching the first bit of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” before heading upstairs so I could shower as I was feeling quite tired by this point. However, I perked up a little when we got to his room and I thought it would be a good idea to pounce on M and tackle him to his bed. Hmm. Seems I forgot how strong M is. Oops. Our little wrestle on the bed didn’t last very long and of course, he came out victorious, pinning me down on my back, legs spread, with his fingers in me, stroking me mercilessly as I gasped and wriggled futilely.

“Hmm so if you’re in charge, why aren’t you making me stop fingering you?” M asked, a little mockingly.

My only answer was to moan a little more and to buck my hips.

“I think you need to be fucked again don’t you?”

I nodded mutely at him.

“Get over here then and ride my cock. Keep your dress on.” Sir withdrew his fingers from me and unbuckled his belt and shorts before lying down on the floor. I lowered myself onto him slowly – my thong had already been taken off sometime earlier and lay discarded in my room – and started fucking him.

“Do you want to be called bad names kitten? Do you? I think I will call you them…slut. My slut.” He thrust into me harder.

“Mine. Nobody else has any hold over you when they call you slut, do they?”

I shook my head hesitantly.

“So if H calls you slut-”

I flinched, badly. I couldn’t help myself. I started shaking and buried my head into M’s shoulder.

“No no no…shhhh…it’s ok, you’re safe. Shhhh…I’m sorry, that was too far…stay with me kitten, stay with me…shhhh….” M’s arms wrapped around me as he tried to soothe me.
“Let’s beat it tonight, shall we, once and for all?” he asked me gently, wiping away a few tears that had escaped my eyes. I sniffled and nodded.

“Ok,” I whispered.

“Ok…go get the belt for me.” M gazed at me compellingly, his eyes soft and understanding, but also determined at the same time. I bit my lip and nodded, climbing off him somewhat awkwardly to find his belt. I returned with it but before he could use it to bind my hands together, I pointed mutely at the packet of tissues next to him. The corners of his lips turned upwards slightly in a soft smile and he nodded, saying “of course kitten”. I took a tissue and used it to wipe my face clean of tears and set it down beside us, taking a deep breath as I did so. I offered my wrists to M without him prompting me and he looped the belt around my hands, securing it so my hands wouldn’t be able to move. He guided me back onto his cock as I placed my hands on the ground next to his head to steady myself.

“My slut…shh…stay with me. Stay with me.” I looked into his eyes as he thrust slowly into me and shut out everything else as best as I could. The flashbacks, the memories, the thoughts…everything. I was M’s. Nothing else mattered.

“Shh…you’re safe with me, aren’t you? You’re my slut and nobody else calling you that is allowed to have any effect on you are they? Not even H. You’re mine. You’re going to ride my cock whilst I call you slut, and you’re going to cum for me whilst I call you slut. Aren’t you?”

“…yes Sir.” It came out as barely a whisper.

“Louder slut…say it like you mean it.”

“Yes Sir! I’m your slut…” I started to bury my head in his neck again but he shook his head and told me firmly to keep my head up. Moving my hands so they were underneath his head, M started fucking me harder and faster, all the while calling me his slut…I whimpered when he came inside of me, plunging his cock into me deeply…

“Carry on riding my cock, slut.”

I started moving my hips as much as I could without falling over as my hands weren’t free to steady myself. Gradually, I started to realise that M calling me slut was turning me on, a lot and that I actually really wanted to cum on his cock whilst he called me slut.

When I finally came, it was explosive. I shuddered, I whimpered, I moaned, I cried. And still, M was calling me slut repeatedly throughout my trembling. As my shaking calmed down, he took the belt off my hands and hugged me to him gently.

“Shhh….there’s my good slut…”

Laying on the bed snuggling afterwards, I felt calm, calmer about being called slut and having the belt used on me than I ever had before. I wasn’t upset or shaken as I had been in the past. I was M’s and therefore the past shouldn’t have any hold over me. M is the only one who can affect me using those two things. Nobody else. I am safe with M. I am His submissive, His kitten, His girl, His sex slave, His slut and whatever else He deems me to be. I am His. I am M’s.

 

N.B. I am sure a lot of you are wondering about the significance of this to me and I shall explain to you, my readers, why this is as M requested I do so.

Last year, one of my exs (called H – my first “Dom” actually) took advantage of me when I was drunk (we weren’t going out and hadn’t been for a long time at that point) and it has left me with scars emotionally. As a result of this, I have associated certain things with him and have become scared of them. Of these, being called “slut” and having a belt used on me to be tied up are two of them.

Since I got together with M and told him about what happened, we have been trying to work together to try and overcome my fears. There have been set backs along the way and every time we have a breakthrough, I always seem to regress a little with time. Therefore in my eyes, what happened this Saturday night is a major development. I no longer flinch when M calls me slut – though how long this will last has yet to be seen. In conquering being called “slut”, I find I am no longer so afraid of the belt. I did after all offer my wrists to be bound willingly to M that night. It has confirmed to me that I truly do trust M – and that every time I get scared of something, it is just a scar of the past and not because I don’t trust M. Previously, I sometimes worried if I really did trust M not to hurt me, as every time we tried to conquer my fears, I would always flinch and panic. I know now that this is more of a reflexive defence mechanism than anything else. As a result of Saturday night, I hope this is the start of a new beginning for me, where I do not flinch away from M irrationally. Saturday night was also the reason behind this post as some may have realised.

That’s all I have to say really…look out for a guest post by M soon – I have requested that he write his version of Saturday night’s events so I can understand his point of view. With his permission, I shall share it with all of you.

Thanks for reading (:

kitten x

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Bittersweet train journey (Weekend part 1)

So I just had the most amazing weekend ever. But as they say, all good things come to an end, and I am on the train home from M’s now. However, my pussy is nice and sore from being filled so much in the last three days, and I am pretty much purring in satisfaction and content.

Here is my account of the weekend. It will be split up into 3 parts most likely as there is too much to tell. However, my memory is a little hazy in places (probably because I have been pushed further than ever before by M, and I still haven’t quite come down from the high yet…), so forgive me if some details seem brief.

On Friday night, M took me hard and fast, making me ride him roughly as we were so desperate to feel each other after five weeks of not seeing each other…after we had both cum, he decided to inspect me properly as I had proposed the idea to him the other day.

He sat me down sideways on his lap and lifted my head up, turning it this way and that, peering at me closely. He said nothing to me, apart from the occasional, barely audible “hmm”s. Trailing his hands down to my neck, he stroked softly for a few moments before pushing me a little to get me to stand up. I could feel his hands stroking my back, going further down before resting on my arse and squeezing a little. Turning me around, he ghosted his hands over my breasts, before taking my nipples in his fingers and pinching them, squeezing my breasts roughly. His hands carried on their journey, skipping over my pussy saying “I shall inspect that properly in a moment” and running down each of my legs instead. After running his hands over every inch of my legs, he returned to my pussy, bidding me to lie down on the bed with my legs spread. As he probed and explored and tasted his bare pussy, I wriggled a little at the sensations.

Finally concluding his inspection, he sat back down on the bed beside me. Hesitantly, I asked what he thought.

“Hmm…you have a beautiful face, especially your pretty eyes. Your breasts are very nice and squeezable. Your legs are just so soft and smooth and your arse is just so spankable. My pussy is so wet and tight for me. I smiled shyly at his praise and cuddled closer to him.

After that, he wanted to try out my new butt plug on me so I obediently bent over the bed and let him push the plug into me, before taking me again…

The next morning, I had the pleasure of waking up to M sliding into bed with me to snuggle me. That morning we made love, gently and softly, whispering our love for each other whilst we moved together, gradually speeding up before those whispers turned to whimpers and then into soft cries of release…

However, I was still quite worked up and wanted more and begged M to let me use the butt plug on myself. He agreed and let me lube up the plug and slide it into myself…I love that feeling of being full. I moaned and whimpered, wriggling around slightly whilst M smirked at me.

“Feel good?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

I moaned an affirmative. M promptly turned me over his lap and landed a stinging blow to my butt cheek. I moaned even more at this.

Slap. Slap. Slap.

“I wonder what will happen if I spank here?” I felt my plug being played with and whimpered.

SLAP.

I squealed at the impact as it drove the plug deeper into me momentarily.

Slap. Slap. Slap.

Tugging me upright once more, Sir plunged his fingers into me and started fucking me with them.

“What do you want, kitten?”

“M-may I get myself off on your knee?”

Withdrawing his fingers slowly, he voiced an affirmative.

“Go on then kitten, grind yourself, get yourself off on my knee.”

I whimpered as I did so and moaned when he encouraged me.

“Go on slut, I can see you’re almost there, go on…”

When I finally came, I bucked against his knee and collapsed against him. M gathered me up into his arms and lay me down on his bed, cradling me to his chest, praising me softly.

At some point that morning, Sir also marked me. It wasn’t visible to anyone else but it made me feel so loved and wanted as a submissive…He dipped his fingers into his pussy to get them wet and drew an ‘M’ on it. Repeating the action, he drew on another ‘M’ on the right side of my left breast. He finally drew a third ‘M’ on my forehead, saying that he’d drawn one there because all of my thoughts belong to him as well. I nodded and snuggled closer to him. Then I said “my right boob feels a little left out now” as he had not drawn one there to match my left. He looked me in the eyes and said “I wasn’t drawing on your boob.” Needless to say, I was a little speechless and very touched to hear that he considers my heart to be his…I already knew it of course, but it’s nice to have evidence sometimes ^^ gooey kitten. That definitely merited more snuggles.

We spent the rest of the day pottering around the house and garden, as well as nipping out to the shops to get a few things. We also went out for dinner to a lovely little Thai restaurant and I wore the dress M got for me when he was on holiday in Rhodes 🙂

Now, after dinner when we got back home was interesting… TBC

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