Boxing Day fun

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas 🙂

My Christmas was lovely – had a scrumptious Christmas lunch cooked by Mum and had a good laugh at the cat chasing after all the bit of wrapping paper strewn around. Silly kitty. Almost as silly as me if you ask M…

Yesterday, I had a lovely day too. Was sat in my room relaxing, munching on the chocolate I got for Christmas doing research for my Dominant. What research I hear you ask? This was research on items or toys I might like to have. I spent a good few hours trawling through websites looking at toys and lingerie – and there was one particular pair of knickers that caught M’s eye when I sent him the link. His exact words in response were these: “please for the love of god buy them. so bloody sexy.” Hehehe. So I have been ordered to buy them, or to at least contemplate buying them. So if I do get them, I will model them for M and maybe get him to take a picture so you all can see 😉 who knows. They are pretty sexy though I’m not gonna lie.

M was there for the whole day yesterday, typing to me on skype, dominating me gently and generally taking care of me. I always love that he can still make me feel so safe and loved even when we’re away from each other.

In the evening, I worked on two essays I have to hand in when term begins again. One of them is of a slightly sensitive nature for me but luckily I was only editing that essay and so I wasn’t too affected by it. Perhaps I shall one day blog about it…it ties in with my past experiences and M having to pick up the pieces as a consequence…

By the time I’d finished I was sleepy and slightly grouchy because a) it’s that time of the month again (yes I sometimes have major issues with being moody during that time. Fecking hormones.); and b) I knew I had to be up early. Despite that, after I’d showered and was ready for bed, M forced me (gently!) to submit. It wasn’t anything major, just calming myself, focussing completely on him and listening to him describe to me what he was going to do to me once we get back to university. But it still made me feel very subby. Most likely because of what he was describing (it involved his cock, my mouth, cum everywhere and name-calling. I’ll let your imagination do the rest 😉 ). I don’t know why but afterwards, all my grouchiness faded away and it suddenly didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter that it was my TOTM or that I was sleepy and I had to be up early. It was all about him. All about submitting to my Dominant’s will and trusting him to take care of me. And it felt amazing. M let me sleep shortly after that. Sleep came quickly and contentedly for me then: all wrapped in my duvet with M’s top next to me and thoughts of M dominating me and taking care of me lingering and dancing on the edge of my thoughts, feeling safe, loved and owned…

Feeling submissive

M posed an interesting question to me earlier: “How do you feel when I make you feel kitteny [submissive]? What really gets you there? What doesn’t work?”

Feeling submissive…how do I describe it? It’s knowing that M is completely in charge but that I’m safe at the same time and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. It’s knowing I’ve lost control but being okay with it and accepting it. It’s being content about the fact that M can do anything he wishes to my body and knowing I can’t make any decisions about what happens to me. It’s that feeling I get when I know M is about to push my limits but not wanting to stop him and trusting that he’ll take care of me and bring me out the other side, whole and healthy.

That’s what it’s about for me. I think Jake from Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds says it very well in his article here.

And what really gets me there? M being insistent and consistent in what he wants from me. He doesn’t have to be forceful physically at all: just very firm in what he wants from me and not backing down if I voice a minor objection. Obviously if I’m objecting massively to something because I know it’ll hurt me or have a negative impact on an aspect of our real lives then he does listen and take into account what I’m saying.

Of course, it is always fun to be physically dominated too…cue M actually using his strength against me and me “struggling” against him. It’s not fair when I’m almost a foot shorter than M, who is also a rugby player….hmph. *pout* but that’s the fun of it I guess. Knowing that he can overpower me so easily and that any progress I do make in getting away is probably him humouring me before he catches me and makes me pay…*shiver*

And again, it’s about pushing my limits and having to trust that he’ll take care of me afterwards and bring me through it whole. I feel most vulnerable whenever I work through things with M that frighten me due to some baggage from my past. And it does scare me sometimes, but it helps when M is gently insistent and talks me through it, reminding me that it is him who is there and not anyone else. I’m most content when I stop fighting M and stop fearing whatever limit it is we’re working on. And then, when I feel the pride he has for me when I do that…it’s just amazing.

So what doesn’t work to make me feel submissive? I guess it’s the opposite of stuff that does work. If M isn’t consistent in what he wants from me, then I get confused and frustrated. Definitely not a good thing for making me feel kitteny. Or if he isn’t insistent with his orders. It makes me feel like he can’t follow through with his intentions and so I lose respect.

Also, one very important factor for me is that I have to feel loved and safe when all is said and done. Without it, I start doubting myself and my worth to M as a submissive. And then it’s just a downwards spiral from there. I have to know that after everything that’s happened, after everything that’s been said in a play session, he still loves me for who I am and that he cares about me.

D/s is about feeling the connection between myself and M, and rejoicing in it. It makes me feel alive. It’s aobut the two of us – nothing more, nothing less. As it should be.

Non-sexual play?

An article by lunaKM on Submissive Guide reminded me that this is a topic I’ve often thought about but haven’t really explored or discussed. Personally I’m not entirely sure how I would define ‘non-sexual play’. Initially I wanted to write “submitting to my Dominant without it being sexual” but then I wouldn’t exactly classify being ordered to do the dishes as play!

I guess I want ‘non-sexual play’ when I’m not really in the mood for sex (whether it’s intercourse or oral) but it may or may not progress into sexual play. For example, on Saturday night, I wasn’t really in the mood but still wanted to submit to M so I let him know how I was feeling – he asked for a list of requests that I had or things I wanted so he would know what I was feeling up to. (He won’t always acquiesce to my requests or allow me what I want but I think it gives him a base to work with). We started off slow and gentle – he would touch me wherever he wanted without aiming to turn me on. He would touch and stroke my tits gently, reminding me that I belong to him. We then started watching some porn – slightly reluctantly on my part as this pushed slightly at the boundaries of ‘non-sexual play’ -and he continued to caress me gently. And whaddya know? kitten got turned on. Which was probably his aim in the first place. Sneaky Dominant. After asking me if I wanted him to take me (copious amounts of nodding here) he nudged me over to the bed and started to finger me. The rest, as they say, is history.

So here are some of the things that I would consider non-sexual play:

• Sitting/kneeling by M’s feet whilst he does whatever it is he needs to do. A stroke on the head occasionally wouldn’t go amiss 🙂
• cuddling with M whilst he touches me wherever and however he wants as longs as he doesn’t penetrate me or touch me too roughly
• any direct orders he gives me which aren’t sexual – e.g. blogging, beautifying myself (aka waxing/shaving), wearing sexy underwear
• not being allowed to move whilst M gives me a massage and caresses me

Perhaps for me, non-sexual play is everything I like and enjoy about D/s and BDSM, just minus the sex. Whenever I want non-sexual play, I always need M to just take care of me and take control without making it sexual, even if it’s just telling me to do my work whilst he gets on with his own work, or reminding me that I promised my housemate I would go to the gym with her, or giving me a few light taps on my arse to get me to hurry up and go shower. Just the little things.

The meaning of submission

The other evening, I was sat down in a restaurant with M and his three siblings – two sisters and a brother. We were on the topic of “The Lord of the Rings” and the upcoming “The Hobbit” movie. It gradually moved onto a more general discussion about books, which was all nice and interesting…til one of M’s sisters mentioned 50 Shades of Grey. Now, I’ve never read the trilogy but I know the general plot from googling it to see what all the hype was about. M’s sisters loved the trilogy and asked if I’d read it. I said no. They asked why. I have to admit, I was trying desperately hard to not burst out laughing – one look at M told me he was doing the same. Unfortunately, it was also apparent I was on my own in answering this question.

How on earth was I supposed to answer?! I couldn’t exactly go “Oh, I haven’t read it because I’ve heard it’s not an accurate portrayal of BDSM and D/s relationships. Did I also mention that your brother relishes in dominating me and spanking me and doing all sorts of naughty and kinky things to me so I don’t have to read that book to know what it’s like?!” Somehow, I don’t think that would have gone down terribly well. I mumbled something about the plot not appealing to me very much instead. To which I received more encouragement to read it and that it was a love story etc etc. It really didn’t help that M’s brother was sitting next to me muttering “mummy porn, mummy porn, mummy porn” over and over again. The whole situation was just so hilariously awkward…M and I did have a good laugh about it later on that night though.

That conversation did get me thinking though. If you google “50 Fifty Shades of Grey”, there are many articles and debates about whether the book is degrading towards women, does it portray BDSM accurately, is a D/s relationship damaging etc etc. Whilst I can’t comment on the book itself (since I haven’t actually read it myself) I can say what being a submissive in D/s relationship means to me.

When I first stumbled across BDSM on the internet, I was young, impressionable and didn’t know anything about it at all. All I knew, is that it turned me on, when everything we’re taught in society screams that I shouldn’t be. In this day and age, we’re told that women are equal to men, that we shouldn’t live under their thumb, that we can and should be independent, strong women. So why should I be turned on by the thought of having a man order me around, being subservient to him, letting him do as he wishes to my body? It was a moral dilemma that bothered me for several years.

As I became more mature, I realised there was something deeper to my submission than it just being sexually gratifying. Somewhere along the lines, I realised that I couldn’t be truly happy in a relationship if I wasn’t dominated to some degree. I’m still not entirely sure why that is but maybe it’s to do with my personality. Perhaps I am inherently submissive anyway and it’s something that I just need. I’ve always liked doing things to help people and make their lives easier.

A D/s relationship requires a very high level of trust and communication between partners to ensure it is healthy and that all parties are happy and secure within the relationship. Without trust, you cannot truly submit to someone completely. And without communication, you don’t know how the other person feels and that can lead to misconceptions, wrong assumptions and hurt feelings as a consequence.

Another thing I realised is that I could still go on being a strong, independent young woman, holding her own against her male peers, whilst at the same time, submit to a man and let him take control of me. I trust M completely – I trust that he won’t harm me or do anything against my wishes – and I let him take control of me in the metaphorical bedroom (hey, you can be naughty anywhere 😉 ). But when we meet outside of that metaphorical bedroom, especially when it comes down to our university course, I’m more than happy to argue and debate with him about various things.

When I do let M take control, it is a release for me. It lets me relax and be comforted by the fact that M will take care of me. It lets me de-stress from normal, daily life and hand over responsibility to someone else. It also gives me a greater sense of security within our relationship – being dominated, being focussed on to that level makes you feel incredibly wanted. Add to that the fact that I know M will never harm me, I feel very, very safe. And who says you can’t love in a D/s relationship? I know I love M very much and I also know M feels the same way about me.

From M’s point of view, he has said to me a few times, that he feels very honoured that I trust him so much and am therefore able to submit to him completely. I don’t think he feels it’s degrading to me, as he knows it’s what I want, and what I have asked for from him. He’s never overstepped our limits either. He’s perfectly happy to dominate me because he knows I enjoy it. If I don’t enjoy something, he doesn’t do it. It’s always consensual between us.

Submitting to M is special for both of us and it’s something I believe that makes us so close and strong as a couple.

Each D/s relationship is different of course, and we are just one couple out of the many who are out there. I’m not an expert on all things BDSM and I doubt I ever will be. I’m just expressing my opinion on what submission means to me, as an individual.

So what does submission mean to you?

Reflections on the year…

Firstly, I am sososososo sorry I haven’t blogged! I did warn you guys though…but M feels that an apology is in order for not keeping you guys updated on things. So, I am very sorry. When M learnt that I hadn’t blogged for over two weeks, he wasn’t exactly pleased. As a consequence, my butt cheeks were rather stingy this morning… And now, that same arse is currently being filled with my butt plug. Oh M does like to torture me…He knows I’ll find it difficult to work now. Clever, very clever…

So, Friday was mine and M’s one year anniversary with each other. We went out for a lovely meal in the evening. He got me a charm for my bracelet/collar – it was a little silver cat! I love it so much. I got him a DVD he wanted, a book and some homemade chocolate truffles. There was a little domination as well as lots of cuddling and snuggling in bed afterwards.

Recently, I have felt that M is really growing into his role as my Dominant – he has been expecting more of me as a submissive and hasn’t really needed much prompting lately. It’s allowed me to relax a lot more as a submissive I think. I don’t mind teaching M about things he isn’t sure about or doesn’t know much about but it’s nice to really let him take the lead. The change from a completely vanilla boyfriend to being a Dominant in the bedroom has suited M I think. He definitely enjoys his time dominating me anyway :p

It’s been an interesting year with M. I can barely remember our initial conversations about BDSM when I first told him that I am a submissive. I do remember trying to explain exactly what that meant, but you can never really quite capture what it means, what it feels like, in words can you? And M didn’t understand much in the beginning. But I am incredibly glad that he was open to trying new things and accepted me wholeheartedly. In fact, it is he who has to remind me now that he loves me for all of who I am, whenever I get embarrassed about my reactions to him calling me slut and whore, and whispering those naughty, dark fantasies in my ear whilst he fucks me hard…

I love it when he uses me roughly, or when he is insistent with his commands even if I am a little reluctant to submit because I’m tired or I’m not in the mood…I always seem to end up enjoying it and asking for more…and I know I am always safe with him, so I know he won’t push me too far if I’m really not up to it.

I’ve also gotten past a lot of my fears [from last year (see note at bottom)] with M…I no longer flinch away from him if he makes sudden movements – obviously, I do still get startled like any other person, but it’s no longer disproportionate to the action. I no longer flinch when he calls me “slut” – I am his kitten, his submissive, and his only. I no longer flinch at the belt – in fact, in the last two weeks, I’ve asked him to whip me with it on several occasions. I no longer panic when M backs me into a corner  – I feel secure in an odd way.

However, there is still one thing which I haven’t quite gotten over. I’m still a little shaky when M takes me hard doggy-style. It just doesn’t feel intimate and I guess that’s part of the problem. I want to work on it with M and get over it, but I’m not too sure where to start…perhaps M will have some ideas…

I am incredibly happy to be with M and hope that we have many many more happy anniversaries to come. In eight months time, M and I will become a long-distance relationship due to the demands of our university course. I can’t say I like the idea but it was a conscious decision on our part. However, I know that we will be strong enough to cope with it. We will be supported by our friends I’m sure, and we’ll only be an hour away from each other so we’ll get to see each other often.

I love you M x

Hormones…

Don’t you just love them?! Ugh. Was NOT a happy kitty yesterday. Kept getting upset and annoyed at the littlest things. Was missing M a lot even though I know I’ll be seeing him on Sunday. PMS and all that jazz sucks. Didn’t help that I got woken up early by the tiler coming in to do the kitchen. He sings. Loudly. I guess he’s not actually that bad a singer…just has a poor choice in songs!

The mother also kept annoying me – I mean, I love her and all but she can be really annoying sometimes; kept interrupting me when I was on the phone to M. Ruined my peaceful subby mood 😦 luckily M knew I was feeling emotional and annoyed (and probably bordering on hysterical at points if I’m honest) and took control quickly before I threw a tantrum (I feel like a badly behaved, whiney child when I’m PMS-ing I swear!)

He shushed me and had me breathe deeply for a while.

“Breathe kitten…focus on me. Focus on me and nothing else. No…just me. No it’s not all ruined. Give yourself over to me. Ignore her. Just focus and breathe…”

We’ve used this technique before when I have flashbacks about last October (see note in italics at the end of that post) but I have to say it’s never worked as well as it did last night. I suppose the flashbacks are a lot scarier than my mother annoying me though…Anyway, the breathing technique worked! I felt all calm and kitteny afterwards and very comforted…I did have my nose buried into the shirt M had sprayed with his scent and given to me though, which probably helped a lot. I was completely focussed on M. Nothing else mattered.

We spoke on for a little while longer, and when Sir found out that I would have the house to myself for a few hours he issued a few orders for me to follow.

“After you have dinner, you are to go to the bathroom and give yourself a quick clean all over – and I mean everywhere. Then you are to run a bath and put your butt plug in. You are to then get youself off as many times as you can whilst you soak in the bath. You must soak for at least half an hour and you must play with yourself contantly. The butt plug isn’t to come out until you finish your bath.”

Yes Sir. After putting the phone down, I hurried round the house to do as he told. I took a quick shower and as I waited for the bath to fill afterwards, I bent over the side of the tub and slid the plug into my arse. Oh it felt good. Settling down into the hot water, I shifted for a while, trying to find a position that didn’t force the plug into a painful position. I started touching and rubbing my clit under the water, flicking it a little. I grabbed the vibrator I’d taken into the bathroom with me and slid it into me efortlessly. Soon, water was splashing everywhere as my attempts to cum became more frantic. Finally reaching my peak, I relaxed bonelessly in the water for a minute, letting the warmth soothe me. However, as I sat up to check the time, I realised I was still shaking. Whimpering a little, I started to slide the vibrator into me once more but I couldn’t stop shaking. In the end I settled for playing with my clit and caressing myself under the water.

When I was out of the bath and dry, M got me to ring him again and asked me to tell him what happened. He ordered me to finger myself  again to get my finger wet and then told me to re-draw the ‘M’s he had placed over my pussy and my heart three weeks ago. He then praised me for being his very good kitten and obeying him, giving myself over to him…

I spent the rest of the night snuggled up in his hoodie, perfectly content in the knowledge that I was his completely…

Guest Post by M

I asked M if he would do a guest post for me on my blog about Saturday night’s events and last October’s event which triggered those feelings. He agreed, so here is his post. It is unedited, save for the odd spelling/grammar mistake which I have corrected.

October. I didn’t find out about October until about November, maybe early December. I felt several things: rage, concern, worry, sympathy. Since then I have been trying to tease out the details of that night. To also add to what my kitten has said concerning H, the reason why I call her slut is that her submissive name that he called her was slut (whereas I call her kitten).

Saturday.

It started off in the room kitten was staying in. After a brief phonecall, she suddenly turned around and started growling at me. She then proceeded to try and pin me down at which I let it go so far, before forcing her up above me and then down onto the bed. We then moved to my room where the same happened. Safe to say kitten has a very short term memory.

At this point, I would like to point out how kitten has different levels of submission. Before I make kitten give over all control, I always ask her if she wants it first. As she said yes, she also asked that I call her slut. I obliged, telling her to hike up her dress and get on my cock. I started calling her slut. I also started asking kitten a series of questions; questions forcing her to submit to me and give over every part of herself. Whilst doing this, I asked a question I instantly regretted.

“No one else has any hold over you do they, not even if H calls you slut?”

kitten instantly flinched badly and almost collapsed into me. As she lay on me, I didn’t want to end our last night together in this way. I asked her if she felt like going further than ever and kitten said yes. I asked her to get a belt and then tied her hands with it. I started taking her again whilst calling her my slut.

As my very good slut, kitten carried on going. All credit to her, she faced her fears. We both came and afterwards she collapsed onto my chest as I tried to reassure her of how good a kitten she was and how proud of her I was.

Hopefully my kitten will not severely regress whilst away from me physically until we next see each other.

I am so proud of you kitten, and I still love you.

M xxx

Slut (Weekend part 2)

After we got back from dinner, we lounged around for a while, watching the first bit of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” before heading upstairs so I could shower as I was feeling quite tired by this point. However, I perked up a little when we got to his room and I thought it would be a good idea to pounce on M and tackle him to his bed. Hmm. Seems I forgot how strong M is. Oops. Our little wrestle on the bed didn’t last very long and of course, he came out victorious, pinning me down on my back, legs spread, with his fingers in me, stroking me mercilessly as I gasped and wriggled futilely.

“Hmm so if you’re in charge, why aren’t you making me stop fingering you?” M asked, a little mockingly.

My only answer was to moan a little more and to buck my hips.

“I think you need to be fucked again don’t you?”

I nodded mutely at him.

“Get over here then and ride my cock. Keep your dress on.” Sir withdrew his fingers from me and unbuckled his belt and shorts before lying down on the floor. I lowered myself onto him slowly – my thong had already been taken off sometime earlier and lay discarded in my room – and started fucking him.

“Do you want to be called bad names kitten? Do you? I think I will call you them…slut. My slut.” He thrust into me harder.

“Mine. Nobody else has any hold over you when they call you slut, do they?”

I shook my head hesitantly.

“So if H calls you slut-”

I flinched, badly. I couldn’t help myself. I started shaking and buried my head into M’s shoulder.

“No no no…shhhh…it’s ok, you’re safe. Shhhh…I’m sorry, that was too far…stay with me kitten, stay with me…shhhh….” M’s arms wrapped around me as he tried to soothe me.
“Let’s beat it tonight, shall we, once and for all?” he asked me gently, wiping away a few tears that had escaped my eyes. I sniffled and nodded.

“Ok,” I whispered.

“Ok…go get the belt for me.” M gazed at me compellingly, his eyes soft and understanding, but also determined at the same time. I bit my lip and nodded, climbing off him somewhat awkwardly to find his belt. I returned with it but before he could use it to bind my hands together, I pointed mutely at the packet of tissues next to him. The corners of his lips turned upwards slightly in a soft smile and he nodded, saying “of course kitten”. I took a tissue and used it to wipe my face clean of tears and set it down beside us, taking a deep breath as I did so. I offered my wrists to M without him prompting me and he looped the belt around my hands, securing it so my hands wouldn’t be able to move. He guided me back onto his cock as I placed my hands on the ground next to his head to steady myself.

“My slut…shh…stay with me. Stay with me.” I looked into his eyes as he thrust slowly into me and shut out everything else as best as I could. The flashbacks, the memories, the thoughts…everything. I was M’s. Nothing else mattered.

“Shh…you’re safe with me, aren’t you? You’re my slut and nobody else calling you that is allowed to have any effect on you are they? Not even H. You’re mine. You’re going to ride my cock whilst I call you slut, and you’re going to cum for me whilst I call you slut. Aren’t you?”

“…yes Sir.” It came out as barely a whisper.

“Louder slut…say it like you mean it.”

“Yes Sir! I’m your slut…” I started to bury my head in his neck again but he shook his head and told me firmly to keep my head up. Moving my hands so they were underneath his head, M started fucking me harder and faster, all the while calling me his slut…I whimpered when he came inside of me, plunging his cock into me deeply…

“Carry on riding my cock, slut.”

I started moving my hips as much as I could without falling over as my hands weren’t free to steady myself. Gradually, I started to realise that M calling me slut was turning me on, a lot and that I actually really wanted to cum on his cock whilst he called me slut.

When I finally came, it was explosive. I shuddered, I whimpered, I moaned, I cried. And still, M was calling me slut repeatedly throughout my trembling. As my shaking calmed down, he took the belt off my hands and hugged me to him gently.

“Shhh….there’s my good slut…”

Laying on the bed snuggling afterwards, I felt calm, calmer about being called slut and having the belt used on me than I ever had before. I wasn’t upset or shaken as I had been in the past. I was M’s and therefore the past shouldn’t have any hold over me. M is the only one who can affect me using those two things. Nobody else. I am safe with M. I am His submissive, His kitten, His girl, His sex slave, His slut and whatever else He deems me to be. I am His. I am M’s.

 

N.B. I am sure a lot of you are wondering about the significance of this to me and I shall explain to you, my readers, why this is as M requested I do so.

Last year, one of my exs (called H – my first “Dom” actually) took advantage of me when I was drunk (we weren’t going out and hadn’t been for a long time at that point) and it has left me with scars emotionally. As a result of this, I have associated certain things with him and have become scared of them. Of these, being called “slut” and having a belt used on me to be tied up are two of them.

Since I got together with M and told him about what happened, we have been trying to work together to try and overcome my fears. There have been set backs along the way and every time we have a breakthrough, I always seem to regress a little with time. Therefore in my eyes, what happened this Saturday night is a major development. I no longer flinch when M calls me slut – though how long this will last has yet to be seen. In conquering being called “slut”, I find I am no longer so afraid of the belt. I did after all offer my wrists to be bound willingly to M that night. It has confirmed to me that I truly do trust M – and that every time I get scared of something, it is just a scar of the past and not because I don’t trust M. Previously, I sometimes worried if I really did trust M not to hurt me, as every time we tried to conquer my fears, I would always flinch and panic. I know now that this is more of a reflexive defence mechanism than anything else. As a result of Saturday night, I hope this is the start of a new beginning for me, where I do not flinch away from M irrationally. Saturday night was also the reason behind this post as some may have realised.

That’s all I have to say really…look out for a guest post by M soon – I have requested that he write his version of Saturday night’s events so I can understand his point of view. With his permission, I shall share it with all of you.

Thanks for reading (:

kitten x

a painful past…

I hate how I can be reduced to a quivering, terrified mess at the mere mention of certain topics. And not the good sort of quivering, terrified mess either.

Ever since M became my Dominant, he has been helping me get over certain things in my past that have interfered with my ability to submit to him. Occasionally, he asks me certain questions in order to get a better idea of particular areas of my past. However, in doing so, this often brings up painful memories for me…memories which sometimes I’d rather not exist…memories that for some reason frighten the life out this little kitten…

Tonight was one of these occasions. M asked me a few questions on the phone earlier that caused me to panic almost…I still answered of course…but I hate how certain memories have such a hold over me. And how memories that were previously unrelated suddenly seem so very threatening. It’s horrible…

Don’t get me wrong, I really, really appreciate that my Dominant is helping me get over those memories of the past that haunt me. It’s just it can be so frightening at times when you have flashbacks of things you never want to remember…

Luckily M had already anticipated that I would need lots of comfort afterwards. M is a very affectionate, loving and understanding Dominant so he has no problem with giving me the comfort I need. I love that he is still so loving and caring as my Dominant, and that he shows it too. I know that if I was with him right now, he’d be giving me lots and lots of snuggles. Might sound rather un-Domly of him but I honestly don’t care. And neither does he. That man can snuggle I tell you! Besides, there are still ways to snuggle that still make me feel owned by him 🙂

Oh and about the memories, I just thought of a quote that I think is very true. I think you’ll approve M 🙂

“Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.” – Rafiki, The Lion King

I love you Dominant…