I found my kitteny self again! Yay! (In my mind ‘kitty’ = vanilla me and ‘kitten’ = subby me.) I was like a little kitten stuck up a tree who couldn’t get down and needed some gentle coaxing from her owner…
On Sunday night, M and I had a bit of a play over skype. It felt like ages since the last time we sat down properly and did something like that.
At first it didn’t start off too well – he ordered me to redraw the ‘M’s: I obeyed but he didn’t talk me through it like he normally does. He asked if I wanted him to give me orders whilst doing so (meaning talking to me through the whole thing and telling me that I’m his) except I said no because I didn’t realise that was what he meant. I thought he meant direct orders that would probably break my concentration on feeling and reflecting on the fact that I’m his and nobody else’s. I always feel floaty when I have to redraw the ‘M’s whilst he talks me through it. So I was left feeling a bit insignificant and sorta dejected because of that. M picked up on it and asked me what was wrong so I said in a little voice: “you didn’t talk me through it…” It all came spilling out then: the ‘you’s, ‘I’s, ‘I thought’, ‘you thought’, ‘I’m sorry’…communication really is key in D/s. Not that I didn’t know before but it just emphasised the point to me.
So he wanted to do it again. At first I wasn’t really keen. But then he asked if I wanted to give myself over to him completely. This is the question he always asks before I submit to him big-time. It almost always precedes any hard play we have. It gets me in the right frame of mind to really submit and let go. It gets rid of the playful-almost kitty-like-kitten. And in its place is the meek, quiet, devoted, completely focussed kitten. (more on that here) I love it. I love that feeling. The feeling of calming down and knowing that I am M’s. Knowing that I will willingly do whatever he wants without hesitation. That I am there for his pleasure.
I nodded slowly.
And in that moment, I realised that I truly did want to give myself over to him completely. To submit entirely. I hadn’t felt that way in such a long time…(well a week or two. but it felt like a really long time.) I really did want it. I hadn’t lost my submissiveness or anything. And M still wanted me as his submissive even though I’d been practically refusing him all week…or at least my heart wasn’t in it…
I cried a little at the realisation. M got very worried which was sweet of him so I had to explain what was wrong. Well not that anything was actually wrong really…
He had me do my deep, slow breathing to focus my mind on him first. It might sound a little silly, but it really helps me calm down and focus.
“Are you ready kitten?”
A small nod.
“Ok. Now, I believe your pajamas are in the way of you giving yourself to me entirely. I want them off please – I want nothing on except your collar. Sit so you’re completely exposed to me – I want to inspect you.”
My pajamas came off and I sat myself down with my feet together and my knees bent but apart, so that
my his pussy was on display.
“Good kitten. Now touch yourself all over. I want you to appreciate every inch of this fine body. Start with your legs…yes stroke them lightly…now onto your tummy and your stomach and your breasts…feel your smooth skin…now your neck…good…back to your pussy now…don’t go in, not yet, but stroke around the outside lightly.”
I glowed from the orders he was giving me. I love the gentle Dominant side of him…the quiet, compelling commands…
Soon he had me playing my pussy, coating my fingers in my own wetness whilst making me watch him play with himself. I wanted him inside me so badly…soon he promised. For now, I would have to accept getting myself off in front him as a substitute. M allowed me to cum but had me continue playing with myself afterwards whilst watching him get himself off as well. He knows that I get really sensitive after I cum but he had me do it anyway, just to remind me who is in charge…
“My very good kitten…” he murmured. “Not quite done yet kitten…we’re going to redraw the ‘M’s now ok?”
“Put your finger back into your pussy.” I whimpered. “Shhh only gently ok…” I bit my lip and persevered. “Now, draw the M on your pussy…”
Slowly, I withdrew my finger and spread my juices on my pussy in an M.
“Ok, put your finger back in once more…gently…now the other M”
I repeated my previous actions over my heart.
“Good kitten. My very good kitten. Nobody else’s.”
For the first time in a week, I felt content. After cleaning ourselves up, M and I said our goodnights and I curled up with his shirt, imagining that he was there holding me as I drifted off to sleep…