Busy busy busy!

Quick update to let everyone know I’m still around 🙂 been very busy over the last week or two – moving into my new house, uni starting again, catching up with everyone at uni. Hopefully things will settle back into a routine again soon.

Of course, now that uni has started again, this means I’ve been reunited with M! Yay 🙂 we are both well and have been fucking like rabbits spending some quality time together in the privacy of our new rooms 😉 hehe. I promise I will be back soon with a more lengthy update on our recent shennanigans so fear not! But for now, work is calling so I unfortunately must go 😦 kitty love to you all! x

Kitten found :)

I found my kitteny self again! Yay! (In my mind ‘kitty’ = vanilla me and ‘kitten’ = subby me.) I was like a little kitten stuck up a tree who couldn’t get down and needed some gentle coaxing from her owner…

On Sunday night, M and I had a bit of a play over skype. It felt like ages since the last time we sat down properly and did something like that.

At first it didn’t start off too well – he ordered me to redraw the ‘M’s: I obeyed but he didn’t talk me through it like he normally does. He asked if I wanted him to give me orders whilst doing so (meaning talking to me through the whole thing and telling me that I’m his) except I said no because I didn’t realise that was what he meant. I thought he meant direct orders that would probably break my concentration on feeling and reflecting on the fact that I’m his and nobody else’s. I always feel floaty when I have to redraw the ‘M’s whilst he talks me through it. So I was left feeling a bit insignificant and sorta dejected because of that. M picked up on it and asked me what was wrong so I said in a little voice: “you didn’t talk me through it…” It all came spilling out then: the ‘you’s, ‘I’s, ‘I thought’, ‘you thought’, ‘I’m sorry’…communication really is key in D/s. Not that I didn’t know before but it just emphasised the point to me.

So he wanted to do it again. At first I wasn’t really keen. But then he asked if I wanted to give myself over to him completely. This is the question he always asks before I submit to him big-time. It almost always precedes any hard play we have. It gets me in the right frame of mind to really submit and let go. It gets rid of the playful-almost kitty-like-kitten. And in its place is the meek, quiet, devoted, completely focussed kitten. (more on that here) I love it. I love that feeling. The feeling of calming down and knowing that I am M’s. Knowing that I will willingly do whatever he wants without hesitation. That I am there for his pleasure.

I nodded slowly.

And in that moment, I realised that I truly did want to give myself over to him completely. To submit entirely. I hadn’t felt that way in such a long time…(well a week or two. but it felt like a really long time.) I really did want it. I hadn’t lost my submissiveness or anything. And M still wanted me as his submissive even though I’d been practically refusing him all week…or at least my heart wasn’t in it…

I cried a little at the realisation. M got very worried which was sweet of him so I had to explain what was wrong. Well not that anything was actually wrong really…

He had me do my deep, slow breathing to focus my mind on him first. It might sound a little silly, but it really helps me calm down and focus.

In…out…in…out……..

“Are you ready kitten?”

A small nod.

“Ok. Now, I believe your pajamas are in the way of you giving yourself to me entirely. I want them off please – I want nothing on except your collar. Sit so you’re completely exposed to me – I want to inspect you.”

My pajamas came off and I sat myself down with my feet together and my knees bent but apart, so that my his pussy was on display.

“Good kitten. Now touch yourself all over. I want you to appreciate every inch of this fine body. Start with your legs…yes stroke them lightly…now onto your tummy and your stomach and your breasts…feel your smooth skin…now your neck…good…back to your pussy now…don’t go in, not yet, but stroke around the outside lightly.”

I glowed from the orders he was giving me. I love the gentle Dominant side of him…the quiet, compelling commands…

Soon he had me playing my pussy, coating my fingers in my own wetness whilst making me watch him play with himself. I wanted him inside me so badly…soon he promised. For now, I would have to accept getting myself off in front him as a substitute. M allowed me to cum but had me continue playing with myself afterwards whilst watching him get himself off as well. He knows that I get really sensitive after I cum but he had me do it anyway, just to remind me who is in charge…

“My very good kitten…” he murmured. “Not quite done yet kitten…we’re going to redraw the ‘M’s now ok?”

“Ok…”

“Put your finger back into your pussy.” I whimpered. “Shhh only gently ok…” I bit my lip and persevered. “Now, draw the M on your pussy…”

Slowly, I withdrew my finger and spread my juices on my pussy in an M.

“Ok, put your finger back in once more…gently…now the other M”

I repeated my previous actions over my heart.

“Good kitten. My very good kitten. Nobody else’s.”

For the first time in a week, I felt content. After cleaning ourselves up, M and I said our goodnights and I curled up with his shirt, imagining that he was there holding me as I drifted off to sleep…

Lost kitty…

I’ve had a wonderful few days with M – he came down on Sunday morning and left yesterday (Tuesday) lunchtime. Our time together was more vanilla-y than the last two times this summer, so there is not much to tell. Real life also kicked in with a vengeance on Tuesday morning unfortunately for M, cutting short our time together.

I just haven’t been feeling very submissive at all over the last week or so…it’s not that I’ve been acting up and refusing his orders – I just haven’t really been in the right frame of mind to enjoy submitting to him…it’s odd. It’s never really happened to me before – well, not without a specific reason anyway, only when I’ve been extremely busy and stressed with work maybe but even then I find it relaxing to submit when I find the time.

Perhaps I wanted to reaffirm the bf/gf part of mine and M’s relationship…I don’t know. This summer has been heavy on the D/s side compared to how we were when we were at uni together and I have enjoyed it – I think it’s probably helped us to cope with being away from each other. So as the beginning of term approaches once more, maybe I just wanted a bit more…love? Romance? Affection? None of those words adequately describe what I’m trying to say…I’ve already said in a previous post that being M’s gf is more important and perhaps that’s what I wanted to feel in the last week. I needed the connection. But at the same time, it’s not like being M’s sub means that he doesn’t care about me! It doesn’t mean that I don’t get any affection, love, care…which makes it all the more confusing. I even thought at one point that maybe I’m not really a sub…do other subs have off-days too?! I don’t know the answer to that…

But then, right now all I want is M to take care of me…sorta like how he does after we’ve played…or maybe I just want snuggles. I don’t know! It doesn’t help that I’ve been worried (and still am) about M (when I said real life kicked in with a vengeance, I meant it) and I won’t be able to contact him until Saturday…*sigh* my heads all messed up at the moment…

Hormones…

Don’t you just love them?! Ugh. Was NOT a happy kitty yesterday. Kept getting upset and annoyed at the littlest things. Was missing M a lot even though I know I’ll be seeing him on Sunday. PMS and all that jazz sucks. Didn’t help that I got woken up early by the tiler coming in to do the kitchen. He sings. Loudly. I guess he’s not actually that bad a singer…just has a poor choice in songs!

The mother also kept annoying me – I mean, I love her and all but she can be really annoying sometimes; kept interrupting me when I was on the phone to M. Ruined my peaceful subby mood 😦 luckily M knew I was feeling emotional and annoyed (and probably bordering on hysterical at points if I’m honest) and took control quickly before I threw a tantrum (I feel like a badly behaved, whiney child when I’m PMS-ing I swear!)

He shushed me and had me breathe deeply for a while.

“Breathe kitten…focus on me. Focus on me and nothing else. No…just me. No it’s not all ruined. Give yourself over to me. Ignore her. Just focus and breathe…”

We’ve used this technique before when I have flashbacks about last October (see note in italics at the end of that post) but I have to say it’s never worked as well as it did last night. I suppose the flashbacks are a lot scarier than my mother annoying me though…Anyway, the breathing technique worked! I felt all calm and kitteny afterwards and very comforted…I did have my nose buried into the shirt M had sprayed with his scent and given to me though, which probably helped a lot. I was completely focussed on M. Nothing else mattered.

We spoke on for a little while longer, and when Sir found out that I would have the house to myself for a few hours he issued a few orders for me to follow.

“After you have dinner, you are to go to the bathroom and give yourself a quick clean all over – and I mean everywhere. Then you are to run a bath and put your butt plug in. You are to then get youself off as many times as you can whilst you soak in the bath. You must soak for at least half an hour and you must play with yourself contantly. The butt plug isn’t to come out until you finish your bath.”

Yes Sir. After putting the phone down, I hurried round the house to do as he told. I took a quick shower and as I waited for the bath to fill afterwards, I bent over the side of the tub and slid the plug into my arse. Oh it felt good. Settling down into the hot water, I shifted for a while, trying to find a position that didn’t force the plug into a painful position. I started touching and rubbing my clit under the water, flicking it a little. I grabbed the vibrator I’d taken into the bathroom with me and slid it into me efortlessly. Soon, water was splashing everywhere as my attempts to cum became more frantic. Finally reaching my peak, I relaxed bonelessly in the water for a minute, letting the warmth soothe me. However, as I sat up to check the time, I realised I was still shaking. Whimpering a little, I started to slide the vibrator into me once more but I couldn’t stop shaking. In the end I settled for playing with my clit and caressing myself under the water.

When I was out of the bath and dry, M got me to ring him again and asked me to tell him what happened. He ordered me to finger myself  again to get my finger wet and then told me to re-draw the ‘M’s he had placed over my pussy and my heart three weeks ago. He then praised me for being his very good kitten and obeying him, giving myself over to him…

I spent the rest of the night snuggled up in his hoodie, perfectly content in the knowledge that I was his completely…

What’s more important?

I was talking to a friend of mine last night, whom I have played with casually in the past, and we got talking about what was more important to me: being M’s girlfriend or being M’s submissive?

Now, I have always thought that the girlfriend part would be more important but at the same time, I know I can’t be happy in a relationship if my subby side isn’t indulged. This friend said that he knew that the girlfriend part was more important to me and said he had proof. I was intrigued. So I asked him. This is what he said:

“After everytime I ever indulged your sub side – you wanted to be held. Everytime. I’m guessing that still happens. That’s the part that’s more important to you.”

That wasn’t what I expected him to say. But I guess it’s true. I always do want to be held by M after we play. But how does that relate to the girlfriend part being more important? Well, here is an example. When M and I got together, it was only casually at first. But every time we hooked up, by mutual agreement, he always stayed with me for a few hours to cuddle a bit and sleep, before sneaking out of the flat at 4 in the morning. (Good job too…the number of fire alarms my halls had at 7 in the morning…) And it was something that I was always very glad for…so perhaps that was my need for there to be a deeper connection between us than just giving and receiving pleasure. M didn’t even know about my subby side at that point. Which makes the case even stronger I suppose. The fact that I wanted to be his girlfriend above being his submissive…

What my friend said did make me pause and think – not because I was unsure which part of me was more important, but because I always thought that any feelings of vulnerability and my need to snuggle after sex/play stemmed from the need to feel that I was “normal” and that my wants/needs in bed weren’t weird or wrong. And I know there’s nothing wrong about it but I just thought I needed the reassurance. I’d never thought about it in the way my friend saw it…

So what’s more important to you? I know that first and foremost I am M’s girlfriend, even if being submissive does play a large part in our relationship…

Discussions and a Punishment

So I blogged a while back (a month ago actually…didn’t realise it was that long ago!) about having rules and after some discussion with M we agreed to seven rules that I am to follow. At the moment, only four of them are active as the others can only be put in place when we are both back at university. The four currently active involve sleeping (minimum number of hours and what time I should be up by), exercise and work.

I have to say, they are harder to keep track of and stick to than I initially thought. So much so that we had to change one of the sleeping rules – it was initially to be maximum hours slept (M thinks I sleep too much apparently…) but we had to change it to time I should be up by as I kept on panicking about that fact that I had to be up in so many hours which meant I couldn’t get to sleep properly. It’s odd how a small change can make such a big difference! This rule is mainly to stop me lazing in bed all day though (since it is the holidays) so I’m sure it’ll be a lot easier once I return to uni and settle back into a routine.

Last Sunday was my first proper punishment for not following the rules…we agreed that every Sunday, we would sit down and have a look back at the week and see if the rules have been adhered to…suffice to say, in the week preceeding last Sunday, I had struggled with my new rules. M devised a list of punishments that he will stick to – in a nutshell, all he has to do is add up the number of times I broke the rules and look up the corresponding punishment…

The punishments range from a stern telling off with no hugs for 5 mins (I like my hugs!) to having my collar taken away for a day, only being returned when M feels I have reflected adequately on my actions (for repeated transgressions). M does of course take into account anything that may have affected my ability to follow the rules – any “extenuating circumstances” as it were.

Back to last Sunday…it was hard. I have to admit (and this is actually really really bad of me) I did giggle a little when he started telling me off over skype – I think it was just that neither of us had been in that position before and we both had to adjust our mindset. However, it did turn serioius rapidly and well…I cried when he ended the call for five minutes and ignored me as part of the punishment. I hated that I had broken the rules when I was the one to ask for them in the first place…I was angry at myself for disappointing him, even though he said that the rules were in place for my benefit, and therefore the only person I was disappointing was myself…somehow that just made it worse. Almost like he was saying, “I don’t care if you follow the rules or not” even though I know he does, otherwise he wouldn’t punish me for stepping out of line. Still, I was ashamed for being a bad kitten…

When the punishment was over and done with, all was forgiven though I still felt quite upset by what I’d done. M confessed to me afterwards that he hated punishing me as much as I hated being punished. Which is the way punishments are I guess…

Today should be a lot more cheerful though hopefully – as far as I know, I have kept to all the rules and I know M is proud of me for accomplishing my exercise and work targets for the week early 🙂 yay me. I think it’ll be interesting to see how the rules change and progress as we go back to uni and have to deal with everything real life has to throw at us…