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Progress

So after a bit of a lapse in February in terms of D/s, M and I are back on the ball and it has never been better. There are things that we’ve agreed we need to work on, but it the main, things are progressing very nicely indeed.

Since becoming a 24/7 submissive, I have become more obedient – whereas before, I was quite bratty, M no longer hesitates to punish me if I act up. I also obey his orders without hesitating as much now, or questioning as much. I know I still have a lot to work on but I think I’m definitely more obedient than I was. M has also started to take more control of me sometimes which is nice – before I felt as if there was more he could do to me, to show me who was in charge, but now, he really seems to be developing his own way of dominating me and I’m very happy 🙂

The best thing is, he’s still so loving and kind and caring to me…gives me snuggles when I ask for them and always makes sure I’m ok…

It’s been almost a year since he properly collared me and I think we’ve come a long way since then. We’re both more comfortable and less awkward with each other as Dominant and submissive, and also we’re more aware of what we expect from each other, what each other’s limits are, what we enjoy, what care is needed… We’ve tried more things together and will continue to try stuff and see what makes us tick.

One area where we’ve had massive progress is my reactions to him surprising me, or being a little rough with me, or making sudden movements. This time last year, I was a bit of a wreck in terms of my reactions to him. I would flinch very badly if he made sudden movements, or if I felt like I was backed into a corner – hell, even the sound of him taking off his belt would make me flinch. All of these things, of course, stemmed from that one incident a year and a half ago with one of my ex-boyfriends, where I was taken advantage of and dominated against my will. Progress was initially slow-going as it was so fresh in my memory and I had difficulty shaking it at times. Progress came in fits and starts and got hampered at points by various factors, most recently by a university assignment in December where I had to write an essay on post-traumatic stress disorder and rape. Yeah, that wasn’t fun. Still, I’m pretty sure that’s the fastest I’ve ever completed an essay! But on a more serious note, we thought that was a major regression on my part, to the point where M hesitantly asked if I thought I would benefit from seeking counselling of some sort. I did think about it but in the end decided that I’d wait until after Christmas when the essay was done and handed in, and see how I felt then as I thought it might have just been the essay topic which kept reminding me of the event and getting me down.

After the New Year, things got a lot better, and I am definitely no longer as jumpy or scared if M makes sudden movements or plays a little rough. I’m no longer constantly thinking about it or being reminded of it either. I think I still have a way to go yet but I’m certainly nowhere near as bad as I was before. I’m moving on and healing. Being perfectly honest, I’m bored of thinking about the incident and rehashing it and overanalysing what I could have done differently. It just annoys me now whenever it crops up. It’s in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change anything. I’m M now: M is my boyfriend, M is my Dominant. I’m safe. M has definitely played a massive role in helping me through this and being so understanding; he’s taken things slow and not pushed me.

I really do feel safe with M. Even at night, when we sleep, M always reminds me I’m safe: I apparently have a tendency to whimper if I have a bad dream or something, and it’s almost become a reflex for M to roll over and cuddle me and murmur “it’s ok kitten, you’re safe. Dominant is here”. Even when we’re both half asleep, M is constantly looking out for me and I love that about him. I think that’s one of my favourite things about being his submissive – he always makes me feel safe and protected. He’s always aware of situations in which I might feel uncomfortable – e.g. crowded places, loud places, people arguing – and makes sure he stays close and that I feel protected…

I’m happy with where I am at the moment. Sure, there are loads of things I can/need to work on as M’s submissive, but I’m happy.

M has also grown into his dominance – I asked him yesterday if he’d ever felt like dominating me because he truly felt like it and not because I’d expressed any particular desire for him to dominate me and he said yes, lots of times. This made me really happy. Since I was the one to have in a way, introduced him to D/s and BDSM in general, I’ve always been a little worried that he was only doing it for my sake and not because he derived any particular pleasure from it. But that answer has sort of laid that fear to rest I suppose. Of course, I’ll still check from time to time but I hope M continues to enjoy it and dominates me for himself and not just for me.

I’m sure we’ll continue to grow and develop even more, both as a couple and as Dominant and submissive – it makes me wonder where we’ll be another year from now…who knows? But I can’t wait to find out.

 

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Musings

Recently I stumbled upon a few blogs that explore the Daddy Dom/little girl dynamic. I have to admit, I’ve never really been interested in it myself and I don’t see myself converting anytime soon but Daddy Vinnie‘s, Lolita‘s and boundobedience‘s blogs make for interesting reads. (Plus boundobedience has the cutest pictures and gifs ever. kittens galore! =^.^=)

They’ve also given me stuff to think about. Whilst I do not identify as a little, and probably never will, I’m beginning to think that I do have some little tendencies in the sense that I love being taken care of. I love and need M to take care of me and to protect – maybe more so than he realises sometimes. Sometimes, I just want to be held and be told what to do, even the simplest things like going to shower or doing my work. Last night, I was curled up in bed after saying good night to M and it was raining/hailing really heavily and made an awful racket on the roof of the conservartory (which my room is above) and I sorta felt scared (even thought I wouldn’t normally) and wanted M there to give me snuggles and protect me. I don’t know whether that was just an effect of reading DD/lg themed blogs before I went to bed or what but it was interesting. I also need structure in my life – it was a big shock to go from boarding school to being back home for sixth form with no set time to do my work to university where nobody tells you what the hell to do, nevermind when to do it!

Maybe it’s just me not wanting to grow up at the moment and wanting to cling onto something that means I don’t have to take responsibility. Perhaps it’s a knock-on effect of always being the youngest in my year so I’ve always been somewhat babied by my friends. Or maybe it’s just my nature to be a mischievous, almost child-like submissive when I’m comfortable. (Seriously, my housemates always say “you’re such a child!” One of them even mock pretends to tell me off sometimes haha) I don’t really know.

The DD/lg dynamic isn’t really something I would normally give much thought about and I guess I didn’t really understand it before but the three blogs I mentioned above really do portray the dynamic in a beautiful way.

The dynamic between me and M is quite playful sometimes and serious other times where M demands and expects complete obedience from me and any disobedience is not tolerated in the slightest. (Note to self: must stop scratching eczema or I won’t be able to sit down properly when I get back to uni…) Lately, I’d say our dynamic has gotten a little more serious than it has been in the past in that we’re both more focussed when we play and M dominates me (when appropriate) outside of play too since I am no longer just a bedroom submissive.

Well, I’ve certainly had lots to think about recently…still want snuggles from M though…hmm…

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Feeling submissive

M posed an interesting question to me earlier: “How do you feel when I make you feel kitteny [submissive]? What really gets you there? What doesn’t work?”

Feeling submissive…how do I describe it? It’s knowing that M is completely in charge but that I’m safe at the same time and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. It’s knowing I’ve lost control but being okay with it and accepting it. It’s being content about the fact that M can do anything he wishes to my body and knowing I can’t make any decisions about what happens to me. It’s that feeling I get when I know M is about to push my limits but not wanting to stop him and trusting that he’ll take care of me and bring me out the other side, whole and healthy.

That’s what it’s about for me. I think Jake from Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds says it very well in his article here.

And what really gets me there? M being insistent and consistent in what he wants from me. He doesn’t have to be forceful physically at all: just very firm in what he wants from me and not backing down if I voice a minor objection. Obviously if I’m objecting massively to something because I know it’ll hurt me or have a negative impact on an aspect of our real lives then he does listen and take into account what I’m saying.

Of course, it is always fun to be physically dominated too…cue M actually using his strength against me and me “struggling” against him. It’s not fair when I’m almost a foot shorter than M, who is also a rugby player….hmph. *pout* but that’s the fun of it I guess. Knowing that he can overpower me so easily and that any progress I do make in getting away is probably him humouring me before he catches me and makes me pay…*shiver*

And again, it’s about pushing my limits and having to trust that he’ll take care of me afterwards and bring me through it whole. I feel most vulnerable whenever I work through things with M that frighten me due to some baggage from my past. And it does scare me sometimes, but it helps when M is gently insistent and talks me through it, reminding me that it is him who is there and not anyone else. I’m most content when I stop fighting M and stop fearing whatever limit it is we’re working on. And then, when I feel the pride he has for me when I do that…it’s just amazing.

So what doesn’t work to make me feel submissive? I guess it’s the opposite of stuff that does work. If M isn’t consistent in what he wants from me, then I get confused and frustrated. Definitely not a good thing for making me feel kitteny. Or if he isn’t insistent with his orders. It makes me feel like he can’t follow through with his intentions and so I lose respect.

Also, one very important factor for me is that I have to feel loved and safe when all is said and done. Without it, I start doubting myself and my worth to M as a submissive. And then it’s just a downwards spiral from there. I have to know that after everything that’s happened, after everything that’s been said in a play session, he still loves me for who I am and that he cares about me.

D/s is about feeling the connection between myself and M, and rejoicing in it. It makes me feel alive. It’s aobut the two of us – nothing more, nothing less. As it should be.

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Non-sexual play?

An article by lunaKM on Submissive Guide reminded me that this is a topic I’ve often thought about but haven’t really explored or discussed. Personally I’m not entirely sure how I would define ‘non-sexual play’. Initially I wanted to write “submitting to my Dominant without it being sexual” but then I wouldn’t exactly classify being ordered to do the dishes as play!

I guess I want ‘non-sexual play’ when I’m not really in the mood for sex (whether it’s intercourse or oral) but it may or may not progress into sexual play. For example, on Saturday night, I wasn’t really in the mood but still wanted to submit to M so I let him know how I was feeling – he asked for a list of requests that I had or things I wanted so he would know what I was feeling up to. (He won’t always acquiesce to my requests or allow me what I want but I think it gives him a base to work with). We started off slow and gentle – he would touch me wherever he wanted without aiming to turn me on. He would touch and stroke my tits gently, reminding me that I belong to him. We then started watching some porn – slightly reluctantly on my part as this pushed slightly at the boundaries of ‘non-sexual play’ -and he continued to caress me gently. And whaddya know? kitten got turned on. Which was probably his aim in the first place. Sneaky Dominant. After asking me if I wanted him to take me (copious amounts of nodding here) he nudged me over to the bed and started to finger me. The rest, as they say, is history.

So here are some of the things that I would consider non-sexual play:

  • Sitting/kneeling by M’s feet whilst he does whatever it is he needs to do. A stroke on the head occasionally wouldn’t go amiss 🙂
  • cuddling with M whilst he touches me wherever and however he wants as longs as he doesn’t penetrate me or touch me too roughly
  • any direct orders he gives me which aren’t sexual – e.g. blogging, beautifying myself (aka waxing/shaving), wearing sexy underwear
  • not being allowed to move whilst M gives me a massage and caresses me

Perhaps for me, non-sexual play is everything I like and enjoy about D/s and BDSM, just minus the sex. Whenever I want non-sexual play, I always need M to just take care of me and take control without making it sexual, even if it’s just telling me to do my work whilst he gets on with his own work, or reminding me that I promised my housemate I would go to the gym with her, or giving me a few light taps on my arse to get me to hurry up and go shower. Just the little things.

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The meaning of submission

The other evening, I was sat down in a restaurant with M and his three siblings – two sisters and a brother. We were on the topic of “The Lord of the Rings” and the upcoming “The Hobbit” movie. It gradually moved onto a more general discussion about books, which was all nice and interesting…til one of M’s sisters mentioned 50 Shades of Grey. Now, I’ve never read the trilogy but I know the general plot from googling it to see what all the hype was about. M’s sisters loved the trilogy and asked if I’d read it. I said no. They asked why. I have to admit, I was trying desperately hard to not burst out laughing – one look at M told me he was doing the same. Unfortunately, it was also apparent I was on my own in answering this question.

How on earth was I supposed to answer?! I couldn’t exactly go “Oh, I haven’t read it because I’ve heard it’s not an accurate portrayal of BDSM and D/s relationships. Did I also mention that your brother relishes in dominating me and spanking me and doing all sorts of naughty and kinky things to me so I don’t have to read that book to know what it’s like?!” Somehow, I don’t think that would have gone down terribly well. I mumbled something about the plot not appealing to me very much instead. To which I received more encouragement to read it and that it was a love story etc etc. It really didn’t help that M’s brother was sitting next to me muttering “mummy porn, mummy porn, mummy porn” over and over again. The whole situation was just so hilariously awkward…M and I did have a good laugh about it later on that night though.

That conversation did get me thinking though. If you google “50 Fifty Shades of Grey”, there are many articles and debates about whether the book is degrading towards women, does it portray BDSM accurately, is a D/s relationship damaging etc etc. Whilst I can’t comment on the book itself (since I haven’t actually read it myself) I can say what being a submissive in D/s relationship means to me.

When I first stumbled across BDSM on the internet, I was young, impressionable and didn’t know anything about it at all. All I knew, is that it turned me on, when everything we’re taught in society screams that I shouldn’t be. In this day and age, we’re told that women are equal to men, that we shouldn’t live under their thumb, that we can and should be independent, strong women. So why should I be turned on by the thought of having a man order me around, being subservient to him, letting him do as he wishes to my body? It was a moral dilemma that bothered me for several years.

As I became more mature, I realised there was something deeper to my submission than it just being sexually gratifying. Somewhere along the lines, I realised that I couldn’t be truly happy in a relationship if I wasn’t dominated to some degree. I’m still not entirely sure why that is but maybe it’s to do with my personality. Perhaps I am inherently submissive anyway and it’s something that I just need. I’ve always liked doing things to help people and make their lives easier.

A D/s relationship requires a very high level of trust and communication between partners to ensure it is healthy and that all parties are happy and secure within the relationship. Without trust, you cannot truly submit to someone completely. And without communication, you don’t know how the other person feels and that can lead to misconceptions, wrong assumptions and hurt feelings as a consequence.

Another thing I realised is that I could still go on being a strong, independent young woman, holding her own against her male peers, whilst at the same time, submit to a man and let him take control of me. I trust M completely – I trust that he won’t harm me or do anything against my wishes – and I let him take control of me in the metaphorical bedroom (hey, you can be naughty anywhere 😉 ). But when we meet outside of that metaphorical bedroom, especially when it comes down to our university course, I’m more than happy to argue and debate with him about various things.

When I do let M take control, it is a release for me. It lets me relax and be comforted by the fact that M will take care of me. It lets me de-stress from normal, daily life and hand over responsibility to someone else. It also gives me a greater sense of security within our relationship – being dominated, being focussed on to that level makes you feel incredibly wanted. Add to that the fact that I know M will never harm me, I feel very, very safe. And who says you can’t love in a D/s relationship? I know I love M very much and I also know M feels the same way about me.

From M’s point of view, he has said to me a few times, that he feels very honoured that I trust him so much and am therefore able to submit to him completely. I don’t think he feels it’s degrading to me, as he knows it’s what I want, and what I have asked for from him. He’s never overstepped our limits either. He’s perfectly happy to dominate me because he knows I enjoy it. If I don’t enjoy something, he doesn’t do it. It’s always consensual between us.

Submitting to M is special for both of us and it’s something I believe that makes us so close and strong as a couple.

Each D/s relationship is different of course, and we are just one couple out of the many who are out there. I’m not an expert on all things BDSM and I doubt I ever will be. I’m just expressing my opinion on what submission means to me, as an individual.

So what does submission mean to you?

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What’s more important?

I was talking to a friend of mine last night, whom I have played with casually in the past, and we got talking about what was more important to me: being M’s girlfriend or being M’s submissive?

Now, I have always thought that the girlfriend part would be more important but at the same time, I know I can’t be happy in a relationship if my subby side isn’t indulged. This friend said that he knew that the girlfriend part was more important to me and said he had proof. I was intrigued. So I asked him. This is what he said:

“After everytime I ever indulged your sub side – you wanted to be held. Everytime. I’m guessing that still happens. That’s the part that’s more important to you.”

That wasn’t what I expected him to say. But I guess it’s true. I always do want to be held by M after we play. But how does that relate to the girlfriend part being more important? Well, here is an example. When M and I got together, it was only casually at first. But every time we hooked up, by mutual agreement, he always stayed with me for a few hours to cuddle a bit and sleep, before sneaking out of the flat at 4 in the morning. (Good job too…the number of fire alarms my halls had at 7 in the morning…) And it was something that I was always very glad for…so perhaps that was my need for there to be a deeper connection between us than just giving and receiving pleasure. M didn’t even know about my subby side at that point. Which makes the case even stronger I suppose. The fact that I wanted to be his girlfriend above being his submissive…

What my friend said did make me pause and think – not because I was unsure which part of me was more important, but because I always thought that any feelings of vulnerability and my need to snuggle after sex/play stemmed from the need to feel that I was “normal” and that my wants/needs in bed weren’t weird or wrong. And I know there’s nothing wrong about it but I just thought I needed the reassurance. I’d never thought about it in the way my friend saw it…

So what’s more important to you? I know that first and foremost I am M’s girlfriend, even if being submissive does play a large part in our relationship…

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Submissive Personality (SGBHC #11)

Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge #11:

“Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?”

Let’s see…to introduce myself to the folks over at the SGBHC, I am a female, collared submissive (known as ‘kitten’ to my Dominant) who is still finding her feet (or paws if you ask M) in the world of BDSM and in particular D/s. I used to think of myself as more of a bedroom submissive than anything else, but lately I feel my submission has spilled out of the bedroom and into real life a bit more as M and I have agreed upon some rules for me that are intended to keep me healthy; physically, emotionally and mentally.

As M mentioned in my previous post, I do have different levels of submission that depend on my mood. All these levels combine to make up my (somewhat quirky) submissive personality. Most of the time, I’m quite a playful and affectionate submissive, but still obedient in my own way. (A bit like my namesake I suppose =^.^=) In this state, I’ll do what M asks but it definitely won’t be in an ‘eyes-cast-down-meek-yes-Sir’ way but more of a happy-slightly bouncy-kitten way. Does that even make sense?! Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly playful naughty, then I’ll either ask “whyyyy?” (you know that tone of voice kids use when questioning something you say and that’s the only word they’ll say to your answers?!) or mock refuse before eventually obeying. Some might call this brattiness or even say that I’m not a “real” submissive if I do that but you know what? I don’t care! They don’t know me or M, and this sort of behaviour is just part of who we are. M has never had a problem with it – I think he even enjoys it when I do things like that, as it gives him an excuse to “punish” me by spanking me playfully and taking me hard if I’m lucky ^^ (this is why we never use spanking as a punishment. M has alternative methods of dealing with any actual bad behaviour). That being said, I will never play around with orders which actually matter, e.g. things that concern my or his health or safety.

The other main level of submission is what M calls my ‘complete submission’. Generally, it only comes out when we are in an intense play session and it requires a little coaxing on M’s part to make it come out. Whilst the playful and affectionate side of my submission can come out whenever it likes with very little prompting from M, this side where I give myself over to M completely and utterly requires M to lead me into it. As mentioned in M’s guest post, he’ll always ask me if I want it before making me give up all control. I love that feeling of submitting so entirely to him – words cannot describe that blissful feeling of letting go and surrendering myself to him, obeying his every command…M told me once that for him, the sexual side is fun but it’s the deeper side, the level of trust I have in him that makes him more than happy to be my Dominant.

In the aftermath of an intense scene where I have submitted to M completely, afterwards I turn into a quiet little thing: meek, affectionate and obedient. This is also what I am like if I am generally in a quiet mood.

M loves the different sides to me – he has said to me many times that he loves me for all of who I am, not just one part. He encourages all aspects of my submission. Like tonight. I have been feeling quite playful and mischievous all day and the coffee cake I had after dinner has turned me into a slightly hyper kitten. So, I think skype with M when I finish writing this blog will be interesting. Hehe. When it comes to making me give myself over to him completely, he takes that opportunity to push my limits gently and help me grow in my submission to him, as well as address any fears I may have (example this post and the same from his perspective).

As a sub, I thrive on hearing praise from him, that I’m his good kitten/girl/slut/whatever he deems me to be in that moment in time. I also love hearing him tell me that I belong to him, completely. I hate disappointing him. Which is why, even if I’m playful and occasionally naughty, I’ll never push it so far that I directly disobey him or disappoint him. The mere thought of actually being bad and disappointing him makes my heart ache and I have been known to start whimpering (yes, I am very much like my namesake sometimes) and apologising for something M isn’t actually disappointed or angry about. I think above all, I fear having M’s affection withheld from me because of something I have done wrong. Which is why it is one of the most severe punishments M can give me for doing something bad.

Writing this has been interesting – it has made me think about myself, how I act around M and the possibilities of future growth. I know that I will continue to flourish and learn more about myself and about M as we continue on our journey together.

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