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Progress

So after a bit of a lapse in February in terms of D/s, M and I are back on the ball and it has never been better. There are things that we’ve agreed we need to work on, but it the main, things are progressing very nicely indeed.

Since becoming a 24/7 submissive, I have become more obedient – whereas before, I was quite bratty, M no longer hesitates to punish me if I act up. I also obey his orders without hesitating as much now, or questioning as much. I know I still have a lot to work on but I think I’m definitely more obedient than I was. M has also started to take more control of me sometimes which is nice – before I felt as if there was more he could do to me, to show me who was in charge, but now, he really seems to be developing his own way of dominating me and I’m very happy 🙂

The best thing is, he’s still so loving and kind and caring to me…gives me snuggles when I ask for them and always makes sure I’m ok…

It’s been almost a year since he properly collared me and I think we’ve come a long way since then. We’re both more comfortable and less awkward with each other as Dominant and submissive, and also we’re more aware of what we expect from each other, what each other’s limits are, what we enjoy, what care is needed… We’ve tried more things together and will continue to try stuff and see what makes us tick.

One area where we’ve had massive progress is my reactions to him surprising me, or being a little rough with me, or making sudden movements. This time last year, I was a bit of a wreck in terms of my reactions to him. I would flinch very badly if he made sudden movements, or if I felt like I was backed into a corner – hell, even the sound of him taking off his belt would make me flinch. All of these things, of course, stemmed from that one incident a year and a half ago with one of my ex-boyfriends, where I was taken advantage of and dominated against my will. Progress was initially slow-going as it was so fresh in my memory and I had difficulty shaking it at times. Progress came in fits and starts and got hampered at points by various factors, most recently by a university assignment in December where I had to write an essay on post-traumatic stress disorder and rape. Yeah, that wasn’t fun. Still, I’m pretty sure that’s the fastest I’ve ever completed an essay! But on a more serious note, we thought that was a major regression on my part, to the point where M hesitantly asked if I thought I would benefit from seeking counselling of some sort. I did think about it but in the end decided that I’d wait until after Christmas when the essay was done and handed in, and see how I felt then as I thought it might have just been the essay topic which kept reminding me of the event and getting me down.

After the New Year, things got a lot better, and I am definitely no longer as jumpy or scared if M makes sudden movements or plays a little rough. I’m no longer constantly thinking about it or being reminded of it either. I think I still have a way to go yet but I’m certainly nowhere near as bad as I was before. I’m moving on and healing. Being perfectly honest, I’m bored of thinking about the incident and rehashing it and overanalysing what I could have done differently. It just annoys me now whenever it crops up. It’s in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change anything. I’m M now: M is my boyfriend, M is my Dominant. I’m safe. M has definitely played a massive role in helping me through this and being so understanding; he’s taken things slow and not pushed me.

I really do feel safe with M. Even at night, when we sleep, M always reminds me I’m safe: I apparently have a tendency to whimper if I have a bad dream or something, and it’s almost become a reflex for M to roll over and cuddle me and murmur “it’s ok kitten, you’re safe. Dominant is here”. Even when we’re both half asleep, M is constantly looking out for me and I love that about him. I think that’s one of my favourite things about being his submissive – he always makes me feel safe and protected. He’s always aware of situations in which I might feel uncomfortable – e.g. crowded places, loud places, people arguing – and makes sure he stays close and that I feel protected…

I’m happy with where I am at the moment. Sure, there are loads of things I can/need to work on as M’s submissive, but I’m happy.

M has also grown into his dominance – I asked him yesterday if he’d ever felt like dominating me because he truly felt like it and not because I’d expressed any particular desire for him to dominate me and he said yes, lots of times. This made me really happy. Since I was the one to have in a way, introduced him to D/s and BDSM in general, I’ve always been a little worried that he was only doing it for my sake and not because he derived any particular pleasure from it. But that answer has sort of laid that fear to rest I suppose. Of course, I’ll still check from time to time but I hope M continues to enjoy it and dominates me for himself and not just for me.

I’m sure we’ll continue to grow and develop even more, both as a couple and as Dominant and submissive – it makes me wonder where we’ll be another year from now…who knows? But I can’t wait to find out.

 

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Collar!

Well, it’s been a busy few weeks for M and I so unfortunately, D/s took a little bit of a back seat for us as we were both running around so much we just weren’t in the right frame of mind or really had the time to have a proper play session. I was in a bit of a weird mood regarding submission either way – wasn’t quite sure what I wanted but didn’t have the time to explore with M what was going on in my head and then real life kicked in with a vengeance.

However, all that has changed now – as a Valentine’s gift to me, M got me a play collar!

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Isn’t it pretty?! The photo makes it look slightly purply in colour but it’s actually a nice shade of baby pink. “To match your butt plug” said M. Guess that means I’ll be wearing those two together and nothing else sometime soon… 😀 it’s quite comfy too, not too tight even on the tightest hole and adjustable as well. From what we can tell so far, it seems quite sturdy too which is good.

We gave it a quick try earlier, just whilst having sex and it was amazing! M had me close my eyes whilst he buckled it on me and the feeling of anticipation I had was almost too much…I was wet and turned on just from the feeling of M putting it on me! He only used it to tug my head wherever he wanted it today but he hinted that he may be using it to tether me to places and keep me restricted to a certain area, especially if I’ve been naughty…

It’s living in one of his drawers at the moment – maybe that means he’ll surprise me with it when we play…I do hope so…I like surprises :p I have a lovely mental image of me kneeling by M’s feet, naked, whilst he’s in a suit/smart clothes and then him taking the collar out of his pocket and putting it on me, caressing me softly once it’s on…

I wonder what inventive/creative ways to use the collar M will come up with…

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Hectic-ness!

Things have been hectic recently I have to admit, hence why I temoprarily vanished. Life should be settling down a little bit again now I’m back into a routine.

Let’s see…three essays handed in – one of which involved a bit of a panic last weekend as I needed a CV and personal statement to go with it; one exam done and dusted; one drunken night out celebrating my best friend’s birthday; one drunken phone call from aforementioned best friend at 2am a week later because she had lost her friends on a night out and didn’t want to trek home across the city by herself so wanted to stay at mine after finding my housemate in the club; one pair of sexy crotchless panties modelled for M; one set of Ben Wa balls being put to use; one cold; one week of listening to everyone else in the country talk about being snowed in whilst my area has no snow; one hour of listening to my housemates screech about the fact that it’s now finally snowing…

Oh yes this little kitten has been busy scampering around everywhere 🙂

M and I have also been having lots and lots of fun since we got back to uni – we’ve now definitely made the transition to being a more 24/7 D/s couple rather than just in the bedroom and I’m loving it. Of course, we’re still figuring things out and getting used to it but it seems to be going well so far 🙂

I like the feeling of being M’s all the time – it makes me feel cared for. It’s the little things that make me content – things like a light tap on my bottom to send me on my way to the shower, or the raising of M’s eyebrows as he gives me that look when I doodle pawprints over his notes in lectures. (oops?)

I think sometimes it can get a little too much though – especially if I have lots of work to do, then I’ll want/need to be more independant as I tend to work better that way, so we do need to find a middle ground. Obviously, M knows that work for our university course comes first no matter what and so he doesn’t hesitate to give me the room I need. He might guide me and help me prioritise my tasks but ultimately, it’s up to me to complete the work. It’s one the agreements we have: he’s not interfering with my academia. It’s when I’m supposed to be relaxing that I hit problems. For example, last weekend I was rushing to complete an essay, along with my CV and mini personal statement and I found that even when I was supposed to be relaxing, I didn’t feel like I could submit for fear it would break me out of my mental work zone too much and leave me unable to get back into it. As soon as I’d finished my essay and submitted it however, all of that evaporated and I was back to being my usual, playful kitteny self. I don’t think work is normally such an issue but when there’s a deadline looming, it does change one’s perspective on things. I guess we’ll just have to work things out as we go along…

I think M is quite enjoying it too as he knows he doesn’t have to sacrifice the girlfriend part of me in order to for us to have more D/s in our lives. Around our friends, housemates and any others we interact with, we are just a normal vanilla couple, and we still do all the things that a ‘normal’ couple would do. I think that’s maybe one of the biggest misconceptions I have (or had) about 24/7 couples: that they’re kinky all the time and the submissive does whatever the Dominant says at the drop of a hat. But that’s not true. I submit constantly to M, yes, but at the same time, real life goes on. My university course, and by extension my future job, demand me to be in leadership roles and to make decisions constantly. But that doesn’t stop me being a submissive. I submit to M, and not everything else in my life.

Things are going well though. We’ve actually scrapped the rules we had a while back as they just weren’t working for us but as M has more say in my life generally now, that’s not a problem. It just means that those rules can be turned into day-to-day orders that suit us better as our schedules can vary so much.

I’m a content little kitten right now 🙂 made the best chilli con carne earlier too. and we’re going out for dinner on Saturday. *wriggles* rawr 🙂

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Boxing Day fun

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas 🙂

My Christmas was lovely – had a scrumptious Christmas lunch cooked by Mum and had a good laugh at the cat chasing after all the bit of wrapping paper strewn around. Silly kitty. Almost as silly as me if you ask M…

Yesterday, I had a lovely day too. Was sat in my room relaxing, munching on the chocolate I got for Christmas doing research for my Dominant. What research I hear you ask? This was research on items or toys I might like to have. I spent a good few hours trawling through websites looking at toys and lingerie – and there was one particular pair of knickers that caught M’s eye when I sent him the link. His exact words in response were these: “please for the love of god buy them. so bloody sexy.” Hehehe. So I have been ordered to buy them, or to at least contemplate buying them. So if I do get them, I will model them for M and maybe get him to take a picture so you all can see 😉 who knows. They are pretty sexy though I’m not gonna lie.

M was there for the whole day yesterday, typing to me on skype, dominating me gently and generally taking care of me. I always love that he can still make me feel so safe and loved even when we’re away from each other.

In the evening, I worked on two essays I have to hand in when term begins again. One of them is of a slightly sensitive nature for me but luckily I was only editing that essay and so I wasn’t too affected by it. Perhaps I shall one day blog about it…it ties in with my past experiences and M having to pick up the pieces as a consequence…

By the time I’d finished I was sleepy and slightly grouchy because a) it’s that time of the month again (yes I sometimes have major issues with being moody during that time. Fecking hormones.); and b) I knew I had to be up early. Despite that, after I’d showered and was ready for bed, M forced me (gently!) to submit. It wasn’t anything major, just calming myself, focussing completely on him and listening to him describe to me what he was going to do to me once we get back to university. But it still made me feel very subby. Most likely because of what he was describing (it involved his cock, my mouth, cum everywhere and name-calling. I’ll let your imagination do the rest 😉 ). I don’t know why but afterwards, all my grouchiness faded away and it suddenly didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter that it was my TOTM or that I was sleepy and I had to be up early. It was all about him. All about submitting to my Dominant’s will and trusting him to take care of me. And it felt amazing. M let me sleep shortly after that. Sleep came quickly and contentedly for me then: all wrapped in my duvet with M’s top next to me and thoughts of M dominating me and taking care of me lingering and dancing on the edge of my thoughts, feeling safe, loved and owned…

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Suits

I love them. I love seeing M in a suit. There’s just something about it that I just find so insanely attractive.

Last night, M and I went out for a Christmas dinner with a large group of people – the dress code was formal. So he suited up and I found a pretty dress to wear. Dinner was all fine a lovely – good food, good company. But when we got home…*shiver*

M in a suit just exudes Dominance – to me it looks like there’s a great big neon sign flashing that says: “Warning! Dominant!” and it just turns my legs to jelly and makes my insides go all squishy. Add to that the fact that I was wearing a fairly thin, pretty, girly dress + heels and boom! You have the world’s greatest recipe for turning me into a meek little submissive who just can’t wait for her Dominant to touch her and tell her what to do.

There’s just something special about dressing up formally that brings out the submissive in me like no tomorrow. It just really put me in the right frame of mind to truly submit to M. And it doesn’t hurt that M looks goooooood in a suit 😉 hehe

M seemed to find it a little amusing that I was so turned on by him in a suit so he humoured me and kept the suit on for as long as possible. Love that man. Although I did have to endure a spanking from him as punishment: we have a new rule that I am not allowed to scratch at my eczema. I am allowed to scratch at normal itches, but not any which are obviously due to my eczema. I err, unfortunately broke that rule multiple times over the weekend (it’s not my fault that the venue for the conference was so bi-polar in temperature! seriously, the lecture theatre was freezing and the upstairs rooms were boiling!) and so I had a lovely painful spanking last night to atone for it. The sex afterwards made up for it though XD

 

In other news, M and I are going to attempt a more 24/7 D/s relationship! M said to me yesterday that he would be prefectly happy to try it out on the conditions that he wouldn’t lose the girlfriend part of me, that we could take breaks from D/s and just be us and that we worked to find a good balance between D/s and normal couple-y stuff. I’m also apparently not allowed to demand snuggles when he’s working…hmph. Oh well. And so the transition from me being a bedroom submissive to a more 24/7 submissive begins…to be honest, I could see it coming. I’ve been wanting to submit to M more and more in recent months and not always in just the bedroom – M also noticed since a few weeks ago, he remarked that I wasn’t really a bedroom submissive and that I seemed to like/need to submit in certain other parts of my life as well. So here we are. It’ll be an interesting continuation of our journey that’s for sure.

*happy wriggly kitten* mew

/\__/\                                                                                   =^.^=                                                                              (“)__(“)

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Feeling submissive

M posed an interesting question to me earlier: “How do you feel when I make you feel kitteny [submissive]? What really gets you there? What doesn’t work?”

Feeling submissive…how do I describe it? It’s knowing that M is completely in charge but that I’m safe at the same time and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. It’s knowing I’ve lost control but being okay with it and accepting it. It’s being content about the fact that M can do anything he wishes to my body and knowing I can’t make any decisions about what happens to me. It’s that feeling I get when I know M is about to push my limits but not wanting to stop him and trusting that he’ll take care of me and bring me out the other side, whole and healthy.

That’s what it’s about for me. I think Jake from Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds says it very well in his article here.

And what really gets me there? M being insistent and consistent in what he wants from me. He doesn’t have to be forceful physically at all: just very firm in what he wants from me and not backing down if I voice a minor objection. Obviously if I’m objecting massively to something because I know it’ll hurt me or have a negative impact on an aspect of our real lives then he does listen and take into account what I’m saying.

Of course, it is always fun to be physically dominated too…cue M actually using his strength against me and me “struggling” against him. It’s not fair when I’m almost a foot shorter than M, who is also a rugby player….hmph. *pout* but that’s the fun of it I guess. Knowing that he can overpower me so easily and that any progress I do make in getting away is probably him humouring me before he catches me and makes me pay…*shiver*

And again, it’s about pushing my limits and having to trust that he’ll take care of me afterwards and bring me through it whole. I feel most vulnerable whenever I work through things with M that frighten me due to some baggage from my past. And it does scare me sometimes, but it helps when M is gently insistent and talks me through it, reminding me that it is him who is there and not anyone else. I’m most content when I stop fighting M and stop fearing whatever limit it is we’re working on. And then, when I feel the pride he has for me when I do that…it’s just amazing.

So what doesn’t work to make me feel submissive? I guess it’s the opposite of stuff that does work. If M isn’t consistent in what he wants from me, then I get confused and frustrated. Definitely not a good thing for making me feel kitteny. Or if he isn’t insistent with his orders. It makes me feel like he can’t follow through with his intentions and so I lose respect.

Also, one very important factor for me is that I have to feel loved and safe when all is said and done. Without it, I start doubting myself and my worth to M as a submissive. And then it’s just a downwards spiral from there. I have to know that after everything that’s happened, after everything that’s been said in a play session, he still loves me for who I am and that he cares about me.

D/s is about feeling the connection between myself and M, and rejoicing in it. It makes me feel alive. It’s aobut the two of us – nothing more, nothing less. As it should be.

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Non-sexual play?

An article by lunaKM on Submissive Guide reminded me that this is a topic I’ve often thought about but haven’t really explored or discussed. Personally I’m not entirely sure how I would define ‘non-sexual play’. Initially I wanted to write “submitting to my Dominant without it being sexual” but then I wouldn’t exactly classify being ordered to do the dishes as play!

I guess I want ‘non-sexual play’ when I’m not really in the mood for sex (whether it’s intercourse or oral) but it may or may not progress into sexual play. For example, on Saturday night, I wasn’t really in the mood but still wanted to submit to M so I let him know how I was feeling – he asked for a list of requests that I had or things I wanted so he would know what I was feeling up to. (He won’t always acquiesce to my requests or allow me what I want but I think it gives him a base to work with). We started off slow and gentle – he would touch me wherever he wanted without aiming to turn me on. He would touch and stroke my tits gently, reminding me that I belong to him. We then started watching some porn – slightly reluctantly on my part as this pushed slightly at the boundaries of ‘non-sexual play’ -and he continued to caress me gently. And whaddya know? kitten got turned on. Which was probably his aim in the first place. Sneaky Dominant. After asking me if I wanted him to take me (copious amounts of nodding here) he nudged me over to the bed and started to finger me. The rest, as they say, is history.

So here are some of the things that I would consider non-sexual play:

  • Sitting/kneeling by M’s feet whilst he does whatever it is he needs to do. A stroke on the head occasionally wouldn’t go amiss 🙂
  • cuddling with M whilst he touches me wherever and however he wants as longs as he doesn’t penetrate me or touch me too roughly
  • any direct orders he gives me which aren’t sexual – e.g. blogging, beautifying myself (aka waxing/shaving), wearing sexy underwear
  • not being allowed to move whilst M gives me a massage and caresses me

Perhaps for me, non-sexual play is everything I like and enjoy about D/s and BDSM, just minus the sex. Whenever I want non-sexual play, I always need M to just take care of me and take control without making it sexual, even if it’s just telling me to do my work whilst he gets on with his own work, or reminding me that I promised my housemate I would go to the gym with her, or giving me a few light taps on my arse to get me to hurry up and go shower. Just the little things.

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