Feeling submissive

M posed an interesting question to me earlier: “How do you feel when I make you feel kitteny [submissive]? What really gets you there? What doesn’t work?”

Feeling submissive…how do I describe it? It’s knowing that M is completely in charge but that I’m safe at the same time and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. It’s knowing I’ve lost control but being okay with it and accepting it. It’s being content about the fact that M can do anything he wishes to my body and knowing I can’t make any decisions about what happens to me. It’s that feeling I get when I know M is about to push my limits but not wanting to stop him and trusting that he’ll take care of me and bring me out the other side, whole and healthy.

That’s what it’s about for me. I think Jake from Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds says it very well in his article here.

And what really gets me there? M being insistent and consistent in what he wants from me. He doesn’t have to be forceful physically at all: just very firm in what he wants from me and not backing down if I voice a minor objection. Obviously if I’m objecting massively to something because I know it’ll hurt me or have a negative impact on an aspect of our real lives then he does listen and take into account what I’m saying.

Of course, it is always fun to be physically dominated too…cue M actually using his strength against me and me “struggling” against him. It’s not fair when I’m almost a foot shorter than M, who is also a rugby player….hmph. *pout* but that’s the fun of it I guess. Knowing that he can overpower me so easily and that any progress I do make in getting away is probably him humouring me before he catches me and makes me pay…*shiver*

And again, it’s about pushing my limits and having to trust that he’ll take care of me afterwards and bring me through it whole. I feel most vulnerable whenever I work through things with M that frighten me due to some baggage from my past. And it does scare me sometimes, but it helps when M is gently insistent and talks me through it, reminding me that it is him who is there and not anyone else. I’m most content when I stop fighting M and stop fearing whatever limit it is we’re working on. And then, when I feel the pride he has for me when I do that…it’s just amazing.

So what doesn’t work to make me feel submissive? I guess it’s the opposite of stuff that does work. If M isn’t consistent in what he wants from me, then I get confused and frustrated. Definitely not a good thing for making me feel kitteny. Or if he isn’t insistent with his orders. It makes me feel like he can’t follow through with his intentions and so I lose respect.

Also, one very important factor for me is that I have to feel loved and safe when all is said and done. Without it, I start doubting myself and my worth to M as a submissive. And then it’s just a downwards spiral from there. I have to know that after everything that’s happened, after everything that’s been said in a play session, he still loves me for who I am and that he cares about me.

D/s is about feeling the connection between myself and M, and rejoicing in it. It makes me feel alive. It’s aobut the two of us – nothing more, nothing less. As it should be.

Triggers…

“What is it that triggers your submissiveness? Are there images or actions that do it for you?” – lunaKM on Submissive Journal Prompts

Over time, I have come to realise that my submissiveness is always there in the background, lurking, even if I’m doing something that requires me to take the lead. Sure, it might take a bit of coaxing or something drastic to come out in those circumstances, but it’s always there.

In general, my submissiveness can only be triggered by someone who I a) trust; b) am comfortable around; and c) knows that I am a submissive. So generally, very few people. The other circumstance, which I will not talk about in depth, is when I get so scared or feel threatened to such a degree that it becomes my defence mechanism.

Of the people who fit the above criteria, if they happen to use a firm tone of voice and decisive phrases, then I will inevitably start to feel slightly submissive. Of course, nobody has as much of an effect on me as M does – sometimes all he does is give me a certain look and I will be scrambling to obey him! M has been helping me to feel less submissive around those who should hold no authority over me, in light of what happened to me last year before I was with him…it has certainly helped me a lot and has made me feel a lot safer, even from my own memories…

On to the particular things M does that can always instantly make me feel submissive…using that firm tone of voice I so love, stroking/holding my throat lightly, giving me that particular look that just makes me melt, placing his hand on my cheek lovingly (I always lean into that particular touch…), holding me close to him in our special way…

I do things subconsciously too that make me feel submissive to M…touching/stroking my collar (a silver bracelet I wear constantly), sitting at his feet if there aren’t any spare chairs (and sometimes even when there are!), kissing his hand when he cups my cheek…

Like I mentioned earlier, there are also some bad triggers to my submission…examples include: generally unsafe situations (e.g. city street at night with drunk/aggressive people around), anything that makes me flashback to last year’s incident which I have been trying to get over with M’s help, people arguing loudly, people being angry… These triggers make me submissive in the sense that “I feel unsafe/scared. I want M here so He can protect me.”

And that’s all I can think of right now…there are probably more but these are the triggers that come to mind first. What are your triggers?