Tag Archives: play

Collar!

Well, it’s been a busy few weeks for M and I so unfortunately, D/s took a little bit of a back seat for us as we were both running around so much we just weren’t in the right frame of mind or really had the time to have a proper play session. I was in a bit of a weird mood regarding submission either way – wasn’t quite sure what I wanted but didn’t have the time to explore with M what was going on in my head and then real life kicked in with a vengeance.

However, all that has changed now – as a Valentine’s gift to me, M got me a play collar!

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Isn’t it pretty?! The photo makes it look slightly purply in colour but it’s actually a nice shade of baby pink. “To match your butt plug” said M. Guess that means I’ll be wearing those two together and nothing else sometime soon… 😀 it’s quite comfy too, not too tight even on the tightest hole and adjustable as well. From what we can tell so far, it seems quite sturdy too which is good.

We gave it a quick try earlier, just whilst having sex and it was amazing! M had me close my eyes whilst he buckled it on me and the feeling of anticipation I had was almost too much…I was wet and turned on just from the feeling of M putting it on me! He only used it to tug my head wherever he wanted it today but he hinted that he may be using it to tether me to places and keep me restricted to a certain area, especially if I’ve been naughty…

It’s living in one of his drawers at the moment – maybe that means he’ll surprise me with it when we play…I do hope so…I like surprises :p I have a lovely mental image of me kneeling by M’s feet, naked, whilst he’s in a suit/smart clothes and then him taking the collar out of his pocket and putting it on me, caressing me softly once it’s on…

I wonder what inventive/creative ways to use the collar M will come up with…

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Musings

Recently I stumbled upon a few blogs that explore the Daddy Dom/little girl dynamic. I have to admit, I’ve never really been interested in it myself and I don’t see myself converting anytime soon but Daddy Vinnie‘s, Lolita‘s and boundobedience‘s blogs make for interesting reads. (Plus boundobedience has the cutest pictures and gifs ever. kittens galore! =^.^=)

They’ve also given me stuff to think about. Whilst I do not identify as a little, and probably never will, I’m beginning to think that I do have some little tendencies in the sense that I love being taken care of. I love and need M to take care of me and to protect – maybe more so than he realises sometimes. Sometimes, I just want to be held and be told what to do, even the simplest things like going to shower or doing my work. Last night, I was curled up in bed after saying good night to M and it was raining/hailing really heavily and made an awful racket on the roof of the conservartory (which my room is above) and I sorta felt scared (even thought I wouldn’t normally) and wanted M there to give me snuggles and protect me. I don’t know whether that was just an effect of reading DD/lg themed blogs before I went to bed or what but it was interesting. I also need structure in my life – it was a big shock to go from boarding school to being back home for sixth form with no set time to do my work to university where nobody tells you what the hell to do, nevermind when to do it!

Maybe it’s just me not wanting to grow up at the moment and wanting to cling onto something that means I don’t have to take responsibility. Perhaps it’s a knock-on effect of always being the youngest in my year so I’ve always been somewhat babied by my friends. Or maybe it’s just my nature to be a mischievous, almost child-like submissive when I’m comfortable. (Seriously, my housemates always say “you’re such a child!” One of them even mock pretends to tell me off sometimes haha) I don’t really know.

The DD/lg dynamic isn’t really something I would normally give much thought about and I guess I didn’t really understand it before but the three blogs I mentioned above really do portray the dynamic in a beautiful way.

The dynamic between me and M is quite playful sometimes and serious other times where M demands and expects complete obedience from me and any disobedience is not tolerated in the slightest. (Note to self: must stop scratching eczema or I won’t be able to sit down properly when I get back to uni…) Lately, I’d say our dynamic has gotten a little more serious than it has been in the past in that we’re both more focussed when we play and M dominates me (when appropriate) outside of play too since I am no longer just a bedroom submissive.

Well, I’ve certainly had lots to think about recently…still want snuggles from M though…hmm…

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Feeling submissive

M posed an interesting question to me earlier: “How do you feel when I make you feel kitteny [submissive]? What really gets you there? What doesn’t work?”

Feeling submissive…how do I describe it? It’s knowing that M is completely in charge but that I’m safe at the same time and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. It’s knowing I’ve lost control but being okay with it and accepting it. It’s being content about the fact that M can do anything he wishes to my body and knowing I can’t make any decisions about what happens to me. It’s that feeling I get when I know M is about to push my limits but not wanting to stop him and trusting that he’ll take care of me and bring me out the other side, whole and healthy.

That’s what it’s about for me. I think Jake from Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds says it very well in his article here.

And what really gets me there? M being insistent and consistent in what he wants from me. He doesn’t have to be forceful physically at all: just very firm in what he wants from me and not backing down if I voice a minor objection. Obviously if I’m objecting massively to something because I know it’ll hurt me or have a negative impact on an aspect of our real lives then he does listen and take into account what I’m saying.

Of course, it is always fun to be physically dominated too…cue M actually using his strength against me and me “struggling” against him. It’s not fair when I’m almost a foot shorter than M, who is also a rugby player….hmph. *pout* but that’s the fun of it I guess. Knowing that he can overpower me so easily and that any progress I do make in getting away is probably him humouring me before he catches me and makes me pay…*shiver*

And again, it’s about pushing my limits and having to trust that he’ll take care of me afterwards and bring me through it whole. I feel most vulnerable whenever I work through things with M that frighten me due to some baggage from my past. And it does scare me sometimes, but it helps when M is gently insistent and talks me through it, reminding me that it is him who is there and not anyone else. I’m most content when I stop fighting M and stop fearing whatever limit it is we’re working on. And then, when I feel the pride he has for me when I do that…it’s just amazing.

So what doesn’t work to make me feel submissive? I guess it’s the opposite of stuff that does work. If M isn’t consistent in what he wants from me, then I get confused and frustrated. Definitely not a good thing for making me feel kitteny. Or if he isn’t insistent with his orders. It makes me feel like he can’t follow through with his intentions and so I lose respect.

Also, one very important factor for me is that I have to feel loved and safe when all is said and done. Without it, I start doubting myself and my worth to M as a submissive. And then it’s just a downwards spiral from there. I have to know that after everything that’s happened, after everything that’s been said in a play session, he still loves me for who I am and that he cares about me.

D/s is about feeling the connection between myself and M, and rejoicing in it. It makes me feel alive. It’s aobut the two of us – nothing more, nothing less. As it should be.

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Kitten found :)

I found my kitteny self again! Yay! (In my mind ‘kitty’ = vanilla me and ‘kitten’ = subby me.) I was like a little kitten stuck up a tree who couldn’t get down and needed some gentle coaxing from her owner…

On Sunday night, M and I had a bit of a play over skype. It felt like ages since the last time we sat down properly and did something like that.

At first it didn’t start off too well – he ordered me to redraw the ‘M’s: I obeyed but he didn’t talk me through it like he normally does. He asked if I wanted him to give me orders whilst doing so (meaning talking to me through the whole thing and telling me that I’m his) except I said no because I didn’t realise that was what he meant. I thought he meant direct orders that would probably break my concentration on feeling and reflecting on the fact that I’m his and nobody else’s. I always feel floaty when I have to redraw the ‘M’s whilst he talks me through it. So I was left feeling a bit insignificant and sorta dejected because of that. M picked up on it and asked me what was wrong so I said in a little voice: “you didn’t talk me through it…” It all came spilling out then: the ‘you’s, ‘I’s, ‘I thought’, ‘you thought’, ‘I’m sorry’…communication really is key in D/s. Not that I didn’t know before but it just emphasised the point to me.

So he wanted to do it again. At first I wasn’t really keen. But then he asked if I wanted to give myself over to him completely. This is the question he always asks before I submit to him big-time. It almost always precedes any hard play we have. It gets me in the right frame of mind to really submit and let go. It gets rid of the playful-almost kitty-like-kitten. And in its place is the meek, quiet, devoted, completely focussed kitten. (more on that here) I love it. I love that feeling. The feeling of calming down and knowing that I am M’s. Knowing that I will willingly do whatever he wants without hesitation. That I am there for his pleasure.

I nodded slowly.

And in that moment, I realised that I truly did want to give myself over to him completely. To submit entirely. I hadn’t felt that way in such a long time…(well a week or two. but it felt like a really long time.) I really did want it. I hadn’t lost my submissiveness or anything. And M still wanted me as his submissive even though I’d been practically refusing him all week…or at least my heart wasn’t in it…

I cried a little at the realisation. M got very worried which was sweet of him so I had to explain what was wrong. Well not that anything was actually wrong really…

He had me do my deep, slow breathing to focus my mind on him first. It might sound a little silly, but it really helps me calm down and focus.

In…out…in…out……..

“Are you ready kitten?”

A small nod.

“Ok. Now, I believe your pajamas are in the way of you giving yourself to me entirely. I want them off please – I want nothing on except your collar. Sit so you’re completely exposed to me – I want to inspect you.”

My pajamas came off and I sat myself down with my feet together and my knees bent but apart, so that my his pussy was on display.

“Good kitten. Now touch yourself all over. I want you to appreciate every inch of this fine body. Start with your legs…yes stroke them lightly…now onto your tummy and your stomach and your breasts…feel your smooth skin…now your neck…good…back to your pussy now…don’t go in, not yet, but stroke around the outside lightly.”

I glowed from the orders he was giving me. I love the gentle Dominant side of him…the quiet, compelling commands…

Soon he had me playing my pussy, coating my fingers in my own wetness whilst making me watch him play with himself. I wanted him inside me so badly…soon he promised. For now, I would have to accept getting myself off in front him as a substitute. M allowed me to cum but had me continue playing with myself afterwards whilst watching him get himself off as well. He knows that I get really sensitive after I cum but he had me do it anyway, just to remind me who is in charge…

“My very good kitten…” he murmured. “Not quite done yet kitten…we’re going to redraw the ‘M’s now ok?”

“Ok…”

“Put your finger back into your pussy.” I whimpered. “Shhh only gently ok…” I bit my lip and persevered. “Now, draw the M on your pussy…”

Slowly, I withdrew my finger and spread my juices on my pussy in an M.

“Ok, put your finger back in once more…gently…now the other M”

I repeated my previous actions over my heart.

“Good kitten. My very good kitten. Nobody else’s.”

For the first time in a week, I felt content. After cleaning ourselves up, M and I said our goodnights and I curled up with his shirt, imagining that he was there holding me as I drifted off to sleep…

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Guest Post by M

I asked M if he would do a guest post for me on my blog about Saturday night’s events and last October’s event which triggered those feelings. He agreed, so here is his post. It is unedited, save for the odd spelling/grammar mistake which I have corrected.

October. I didn’t find out about October until about November, maybe early December. I felt several things: rage, concern, worry, sympathy. Since then I have been trying to tease out the details of that night. To also add to what my kitten has said concerning H, the reason why I call her slut is that her submissive name that he called her was slut (whereas I call her kitten).

Saturday.

It started off in the room kitten was staying in. After a brief phonecall, she suddenly turned around and started growling at me. She then proceeded to try and pin me down at which I let it go so far, before forcing her up above me and then down onto the bed. We then moved to my room where the same happened. Safe to say kitten has a very short term memory.

At this point, I would like to point out how kitten has different levels of submission. Before I make kitten give over all control, I always ask her if she wants it first. As she said yes, she also asked that I call her slut. I obliged, telling her to hike up her dress and get on my cock. I started calling her slut. I also started asking kitten a series of questions; questions forcing her to submit to me and give over every part of herself. Whilst doing this, I asked a question I instantly regretted.

“No one else has any hold over you do they, not even if H calls you slut?”

kitten instantly flinched badly and almost collapsed into me. As she lay on me, I didn’t want to end our last night together in this way. I asked her if she felt like going further than ever and kitten said yes. I asked her to get a belt and then tied her hands with it. I started taking her again whilst calling her my slut.

As my very good slut, kitten carried on going. All credit to her, she faced her fears. We both came and afterwards she collapsed onto my chest as I tried to reassure her of how good a kitten she was and how proud of her I was.

Hopefully my kitten will not severely regress whilst away from me physically until we next see each other.

I am so proud of you kitten, and I still love you.

M xxx

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A playful day (Weekend part 3)

On Sunday morning, I once again woke up to M quietly entering my room and sliding into bed next to me, pulling me close to him so we were spooning. I love that feeling of being not quite awake, but aware enough to know your Dominant/bf is snuggling you and that you’re safe…

Once we had woken up properly, we moved into his room intending to make love. However, neither of us realised that I was so incredibly sore and swollen up down there that any penetration was impossible without me almost crying in pain. So we just decided to snuggle naked in the end. Breakfast was an interesting affair…Sir had me wear one of his shirts down to the kitchen with nothing else on underneath. Needless to say, I felt very exposed and subby but loved at the same time. Odd how certain things can do that to me.

As we returned upstairs, M ordered me to grab the lube, go into his room and wait for him when I had finished in the bathroom. When I entered, he was already sitting on the bed waiting for me. Settling me on his lap, he said to me mock seriously, “Now, I believe you’ve been a bad kitten during the time we’ve been apart haven’t you?”

I widened my eyes and looked guiltily around the room.

“Kitten?”

“Hehe?” I peeked up at him, trying my best to smile innocently.

” ‘Hehe’ indeed. Hmm. I think you need to be punished for being so cheeky.” Despite his playful tone, he pushed me roughly over his knee and spanked me hard. I gasped and shifted a little on his lap. Several more smacks followed in the same place in quick succession. I could feel my left butt cheek starting to sting a little.

“Hmm do you think you need more punishment than this?”

“Yes please.” I replied a little breathlessly.

Smack smack smack smack smack. My other butt cheek started to sting a little now. I couldn’t help but moan at the sensations.

“Does my slut want more?”

I nodded.

“Alright. Shirt off. Now.”

When I stood naked before him, he had me kneel down between his knees and take him in my mouth. He grasped my hair and used it to move my head back and forth on his cock whilst I licked and sucked as best as I could. He then started pushing my head further and further down onto his cock, telling me to take as much of it as I could. I relaxed my throat and for the first time, I managed to take his entire length down my throat without gagging. After a moment, he let me back up and kissed me on the lips.

“Lube yourself up. Make my pussy wet for me so I can take you again.”

I did as he bid, even though it had hurt so much earlier. With the lube, I felt only a little pain as I slid onto him and started riding him.

I find myself amazed sometimes at how much M can make me cum sometimes – I cum almost every time he takes me, and Sunday morning was no exception. Even with the slight amount of pain, he made me cum hard.

As we lay there afterwards, M said that he wasn’t going to push me any further this weekend as I was leaving that night and he didn’t want me to drop too badly (if I did) when he wouldn’t be able to take care of me. I agreed although I whined at the thought of having to leave M again…He hushed me gently and comforted me by reminding me it was only three weeks before we would see each other again and not five like this time.

After lunch, I dosed myself up on antihistamines and ibuprofen – the former as we were about to go for a walk in the woods with M’s dog and the latter for my sore pussy. The walk itself was fun, even if it was really hot outside. M also clipped his dog’s lead onto my collar briefly and tugged me along playfully. We’re thinking of getting me a play collar to go around my neck and a lead to go with it so M can lead me around sometimes 🙂

There is not much more to tell…we spent the afternoon relaxing and snuggling as much as possible, knowing that I would have to leave again that evening.

It really was a wonderful weekend, all I’d hoped it to be and more…I can’t wait to see M again.

Thank you for an amazing weekend M. I love you so much x

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Slut (Weekend part 2)

After we got back from dinner, we lounged around for a while, watching the first bit of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” before heading upstairs so I could shower as I was feeling quite tired by this point. However, I perked up a little when we got to his room and I thought it would be a good idea to pounce on M and tackle him to his bed. Hmm. Seems I forgot how strong M is. Oops. Our little wrestle on the bed didn’t last very long and of course, he came out victorious, pinning me down on my back, legs spread, with his fingers in me, stroking me mercilessly as I gasped and wriggled futilely.

“Hmm so if you’re in charge, why aren’t you making me stop fingering you?” M asked, a little mockingly.

My only answer was to moan a little more and to buck my hips.

“I think you need to be fucked again don’t you?”

I nodded mutely at him.

“Get over here then and ride my cock. Keep your dress on.” Sir withdrew his fingers from me and unbuckled his belt and shorts before lying down on the floor. I lowered myself onto him slowly – my thong had already been taken off sometime earlier and lay discarded in my room – and started fucking him.

“Do you want to be called bad names kitten? Do you? I think I will call you them…slut. My slut.” He thrust into me harder.

“Mine. Nobody else has any hold over you when they call you slut, do they?”

I shook my head hesitantly.

“So if H calls you slut-”

I flinched, badly. I couldn’t help myself. I started shaking and buried my head into M’s shoulder.

“No no no…shhhh…it’s ok, you’re safe. Shhhh…I’m sorry, that was too far…stay with me kitten, stay with me…shhhh….” M’s arms wrapped around me as he tried to soothe me.
“Let’s beat it tonight, shall we, once and for all?” he asked me gently, wiping away a few tears that had escaped my eyes. I sniffled and nodded.

“Ok,” I whispered.

“Ok…go get the belt for me.” M gazed at me compellingly, his eyes soft and understanding, but also determined at the same time. I bit my lip and nodded, climbing off him somewhat awkwardly to find his belt. I returned with it but before he could use it to bind my hands together, I pointed mutely at the packet of tissues next to him. The corners of his lips turned upwards slightly in a soft smile and he nodded, saying “of course kitten”. I took a tissue and used it to wipe my face clean of tears and set it down beside us, taking a deep breath as I did so. I offered my wrists to M without him prompting me and he looped the belt around my hands, securing it so my hands wouldn’t be able to move. He guided me back onto his cock as I placed my hands on the ground next to his head to steady myself.

“My slut…shh…stay with me. Stay with me.” I looked into his eyes as he thrust slowly into me and shut out everything else as best as I could. The flashbacks, the memories, the thoughts…everything. I was M’s. Nothing else mattered.

“Shh…you’re safe with me, aren’t you? You’re my slut and nobody else calling you that is allowed to have any effect on you are they? Not even H. You’re mine. You’re going to ride my cock whilst I call you slut, and you’re going to cum for me whilst I call you slut. Aren’t you?”

“…yes Sir.” It came out as barely a whisper.

“Louder slut…say it like you mean it.”

“Yes Sir! I’m your slut…” I started to bury my head in his neck again but he shook his head and told me firmly to keep my head up. Moving my hands so they were underneath his head, M started fucking me harder and faster, all the while calling me his slut…I whimpered when he came inside of me, plunging his cock into me deeply…

“Carry on riding my cock, slut.”

I started moving my hips as much as I could without falling over as my hands weren’t free to steady myself. Gradually, I started to realise that M calling me slut was turning me on, a lot and that I actually really wanted to cum on his cock whilst he called me slut.

When I finally came, it was explosive. I shuddered, I whimpered, I moaned, I cried. And still, M was calling me slut repeatedly throughout my trembling. As my shaking calmed down, he took the belt off my hands and hugged me to him gently.

“Shhh….there’s my good slut…”

Laying on the bed snuggling afterwards, I felt calm, calmer about being called slut and having the belt used on me than I ever had before. I wasn’t upset or shaken as I had been in the past. I was M’s and therefore the past shouldn’t have any hold over me. M is the only one who can affect me using those two things. Nobody else. I am safe with M. I am His submissive, His kitten, His girl, His sex slave, His slut and whatever else He deems me to be. I am His. I am M’s.

 

N.B. I am sure a lot of you are wondering about the significance of this to me and I shall explain to you, my readers, why this is as M requested I do so.

Last year, one of my exs (called H – my first “Dom” actually) took advantage of me when I was drunk (we weren’t going out and hadn’t been for a long time at that point) and it has left me with scars emotionally. As a result of this, I have associated certain things with him and have become scared of them. Of these, being called “slut” and having a belt used on me to be tied up are two of them.

Since I got together with M and told him about what happened, we have been trying to work together to try and overcome my fears. There have been set backs along the way and every time we have a breakthrough, I always seem to regress a little with time. Therefore in my eyes, what happened this Saturday night is a major development. I no longer flinch when M calls me slut – though how long this will last has yet to be seen. In conquering being called “slut”, I find I am no longer so afraid of the belt. I did after all offer my wrists to be bound willingly to M that night. It has confirmed to me that I truly do trust M – and that every time I get scared of something, it is just a scar of the past and not because I don’t trust M. Previously, I sometimes worried if I really did trust M not to hurt me, as every time we tried to conquer my fears, I would always flinch and panic. I know now that this is more of a reflexive defence mechanism than anything else. As a result of Saturday night, I hope this is the start of a new beginning for me, where I do not flinch away from M irrationally. Saturday night was also the reason behind this post as some may have realised.

That’s all I have to say really…look out for a guest post by M soon – I have requested that he write his version of Saturday night’s events so I can understand his point of view. With his permission, I shall share it with all of you.

Thanks for reading (:

kitten x

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