Non-sexual play?

An article by lunaKM on Submissive Guide reminded me that this is a topic I’ve often thought about but haven’t really explored or discussed. Personally I’m not entirely sure how I would define ‘non-sexual play’. Initially I wanted to write “submitting to my Dominant without it being sexual” but then I wouldn’t exactly classify being ordered to do the dishes as play!

I guess I want ‘non-sexual play’ when I’m not really in the mood for sex (whether it’s intercourse or oral) but it may or may not progress into sexual play. For example, on Saturday night, I wasn’t really in the mood but still wanted to submit to M so I let him know how I was feeling – he asked for a list of requests that I had or things I wanted so he would know what I was feeling up to. (He won’t always acquiesce to my requests or allow me what I want but I think it gives him a base to work with). We started off slow and gentle – he would touch me wherever he wanted without aiming to turn me on. He would touch and stroke my tits gently, reminding me that I belong to him. We then started watching some porn – slightly reluctantly on my part as this pushed slightly at the boundaries of ‘non-sexual play’ -and he continued to caress me gently. And whaddya know? kitten got turned on. Which was probably his aim in the first place. Sneaky Dominant. After asking me if I wanted him to take me (copious amounts of nodding here) he nudged me over to the bed and started to finger me. The rest, as they say, is history.

So here are some of the things that I would consider non-sexual play:

• Sitting/kneeling by M’s feet whilst he does whatever it is he needs to do. A stroke on the head occasionally wouldn’t go amiss 🙂
• cuddling with M whilst he touches me wherever and however he wants as longs as he doesn’t penetrate me or touch me too roughly
• any direct orders he gives me which aren’t sexual – e.g. blogging, beautifying myself (aka waxing/shaving), wearing sexy underwear
• not being allowed to move whilst M gives me a massage and caresses me

Perhaps for me, non-sexual play is everything I like and enjoy about D/s and BDSM, just minus the sex. Whenever I want non-sexual play, I always need M to just take care of me and take control without making it sexual, even if it’s just telling me to do my work whilst he gets on with his own work, or reminding me that I promised my housemate I would go to the gym with her, or giving me a few light taps on my arse to get me to hurry up and go shower. Just the little things.

The meaning of submission

The other evening, I was sat down in a restaurant with M and his three siblings – two sisters and a brother. We were on the topic of “The Lord of the Rings” and the upcoming “The Hobbit” movie. It gradually moved onto a more general discussion about books, which was all nice and interesting…til one of M’s sisters mentioned 50 Shades of Grey. Now, I’ve never read the trilogy but I know the general plot from googling it to see what all the hype was about. M’s sisters loved the trilogy and asked if I’d read it. I said no. They asked why. I have to admit, I was trying desperately hard to not burst out laughing – one look at M told me he was doing the same. Unfortunately, it was also apparent I was on my own in answering this question.

How on earth was I supposed to answer?! I couldn’t exactly go “Oh, I haven’t read it because I’ve heard it’s not an accurate portrayal of BDSM and D/s relationships. Did I also mention that your brother relishes in dominating me and spanking me and doing all sorts of naughty and kinky things to me so I don’t have to read that book to know what it’s like?!” Somehow, I don’t think that would have gone down terribly well. I mumbled something about the plot not appealing to me very much instead. To which I received more encouragement to read it and that it was a love story etc etc. It really didn’t help that M’s brother was sitting next to me muttering “mummy porn, mummy porn, mummy porn” over and over again. The whole situation was just so hilariously awkward…M and I did have a good laugh about it later on that night though.

That conversation did get me thinking though. If you google “50 Fifty Shades of Grey”, there are many articles and debates about whether the book is degrading towards women, does it portray BDSM accurately, is a D/s relationship damaging etc etc. Whilst I can’t comment on the book itself (since I haven’t actually read it myself) I can say what being a submissive in D/s relationship means to me.

When I first stumbled across BDSM on the internet, I was young, impressionable and didn’t know anything about it at all. All I knew, is that it turned me on, when everything we’re taught in society screams that I shouldn’t be. In this day and age, we’re told that women are equal to men, that we shouldn’t live under their thumb, that we can and should be independent, strong women. So why should I be turned on by the thought of having a man order me around, being subservient to him, letting him do as he wishes to my body? It was a moral dilemma that bothered me for several years.

As I became more mature, I realised there was something deeper to my submission than it just being sexually gratifying. Somewhere along the lines, I realised that I couldn’t be truly happy in a relationship if I wasn’t dominated to some degree. I’m still not entirely sure why that is but maybe it’s to do with my personality. Perhaps I am inherently submissive anyway and it’s something that I just need. I’ve always liked doing things to help people and make their lives easier.

A D/s relationship requires a very high level of trust and communication between partners to ensure it is healthy and that all parties are happy and secure within the relationship. Without trust, you cannot truly submit to someone completely. And without communication, you don’t know how the other person feels and that can lead to misconceptions, wrong assumptions and hurt feelings as a consequence.

Another thing I realised is that I could still go on being a strong, independent young woman, holding her own against her male peers, whilst at the same time, submit to a man and let him take control of me. I trust M completely – I trust that he won’t harm me or do anything against my wishes – and I let him take control of me in the metaphorical bedroom (hey, you can be naughty anywhere 😉 ). But when we meet outside of that metaphorical bedroom, especially when it comes down to our university course, I’m more than happy to argue and debate with him about various things.

When I do let M take control, it is a release for me. It lets me relax and be comforted by the fact that M will take care of me. It lets me de-stress from normal, daily life and hand over responsibility to someone else. It also gives me a greater sense of security within our relationship – being dominated, being focussed on to that level makes you feel incredibly wanted. Add to that the fact that I know M will never harm me, I feel very, very safe. And who says you can’t love in a D/s relationship? I know I love M very much and I also know M feels the same way about me.

From M’s point of view, he has said to me a few times, that he feels very honoured that I trust him so much and am therefore able to submit to him completely. I don’t think he feels it’s degrading to me, as he knows it’s what I want, and what I have asked for from him. He’s never overstepped our limits either. He’s perfectly happy to dominate me because he knows I enjoy it. If I don’t enjoy something, he doesn’t do it. It’s always consensual between us.

Submitting to M is special for both of us and it’s something I believe that makes us so close and strong as a couple.

Each D/s relationship is different of course, and we are just one couple out of the many who are out there. I’m not an expert on all things BDSM and I doubt I ever will be. I’m just expressing my opinion on what submission means to me, as an individual.

So what does submission mean to you?