Progress

So after a bit of a lapse in February in terms of D/s, M and I are back on the ball and it has never been better. There are things that we’ve agreed we need to work on, but it the main, things are progressing very nicely indeed.

Since becoming a 24/7 submissive, I have become more obedient – whereas before, I was quite bratty, M no longer hesitates to punish me if I act up. I also obey his orders without hesitating as much now, or questioning as much. I know I still have a lot to work on but I think I’m definitely more obedient than I was. M has also started to take more control of me sometimes which is nice – before I felt as if there was more he could do to me, to show me who was in charge, but now, he really seems to be developing his own way of dominating me and I’m very happy 🙂

The best thing is, he’s still so loving and kind and caring to me…gives me snuggles when I ask for them and always makes sure I’m ok…

It’s been almost a year since he properly collared me and I think we’ve come a long way since then. We’re both more comfortable and less awkward with each other as Dominant and submissive, and also we’re more aware of what we expect from each other, what each other’s limits are, what we enjoy, what care is needed… We’ve tried more things together and will continue to try stuff and see what makes us tick.

One area where we’ve had massive progress is my reactions to him surprising me, or being a little rough with me, or making sudden movements. This time last year, I was a bit of a wreck in terms of my reactions to him. I would flinch very badly if he made sudden movements, or if I felt like I was backed into a corner – hell, even the sound of him taking off his belt would make me flinch. All of these things, of course, stemmed from that one incident a year and a half ago with one of my ex-boyfriends, where I was taken advantage of and dominated against my will. Progress was initially slow-going as it was so fresh in my memory and I had difficulty shaking it at times. Progress came in fits and starts and got hampered at points by various factors, most recently by a university assignment in December where I had to write an essay on post-traumatic stress disorder and rape. Yeah, that wasn’t fun. Still, I’m pretty sure that’s the fastest I’ve ever completed an essay! But on a more serious note, we thought that was a major regression on my part, to the point where M hesitantly asked if I thought I would benefit from seeking counselling of some sort. I did think about it but in the end decided that I’d wait until after Christmas when the essay was done and handed in, and see how I felt then as I thought it might have just been the essay topic which kept reminding me of the event and getting me down.

After the New Year, things got a lot better, and I am definitely no longer as jumpy or scared if M makes sudden movements or plays a little rough. I’m no longer constantly thinking about it or being reminded of it either. I think I still have a way to go yet but I’m certainly nowhere near as bad as I was before. I’m moving on and healing. Being perfectly honest, I’m bored of thinking about the incident and rehashing it and overanalysing what I could have done differently. It just annoys me now whenever it crops up. It’s in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change anything. I’m M now: M is my boyfriend, M is my Dominant. I’m safe. M has definitely played a massive role in helping me through this and being so understanding; he’s taken things slow and not pushed me.

I really do feel safe with M. Even at night, when we sleep, M always reminds me I’m safe: I apparently have a tendency to whimper if I have a bad dream or something, and it’s almost become a reflex for M to roll over and cuddle me and murmur “it’s ok kitten, you’re safe. Dominant is here”. Even when we’re both half asleep, M is constantly looking out for me and I love that about him. I think that’s one of my favourite things about being his submissive – he always makes me feel safe and protected. He’s always aware of situations in which I might feel uncomfortable – e.g. crowded places, loud places, people arguing – and makes sure he stays close and that I feel protected…

I’m happy with where I am at the moment. Sure, there are loads of things I can/need to work on as M’s submissive, but I’m happy.

M has also grown into his dominance – I asked him yesterday if he’d ever felt like dominating me because he truly felt like it and not because I’d expressed any particular desire for him to dominate me and he said yes, lots of times. This made me really happy. Since I was the one to have in a way, introduced him to D/s and BDSM in general, I’ve always been a little worried that he was only doing it for my sake and not because he derived any particular pleasure from it. But that answer has sort of laid that fear to rest I suppose. Of course, I’ll still check from time to time but I hope M continues to enjoy it and dominates me for himself and not just for me.

I’m sure we’ll continue to grow and develop even more, both as a couple and as Dominant and submissive – it makes me wonder where we’ll be another year from now…who knows? But I can’t wait to find out.

 

Hectic-ness!

Things have been hectic recently I have to admit, hence why I temoprarily vanished. Life should be settling down a little bit again now I’m back into a routine.

Let’s see…three essays handed in – one of which involved a bit of a panic last weekend as I needed a CV and personal statement to go with it; one exam done and dusted; one drunken night out celebrating my best friend’s birthday; one drunken phone call from aforementioned best friend at 2am a week later because she had lost her friends on a night out and didn’t want to trek home across the city by herself so wanted to stay at mine after finding my housemate in the club; one pair of sexy crotchless panties modelled for M; one set of Ben Wa balls being put to use; one cold; one week of listening to everyone else in the country talk about being snowed in whilst my area has no snow; one hour of listening to my housemates screech about the fact that it’s now finally snowing…

Oh yes this little kitten has been busy scampering around everywhere 🙂

M and I have also been having lots and lots of fun since we got back to uni – we’ve now definitely made the transition to being a more 24/7 D/s couple rather than just in the bedroom and I’m loving it. Of course, we’re still figuring things out and getting used to it but it seems to be going well so far 🙂

I like the feeling of being M’s all the time – it makes me feel cared for. It’s the little things that make me content – things like a light tap on my bottom to send me on my way to the shower, or the raising of M’s eyebrows as he gives me that look when I doodle pawprints over his notes in lectures. (oops?)

I think sometimes it can get a little too much though – especially if I have lots of work to do, then I’ll want/need to be more independant as I tend to work better that way, so we do need to find a middle ground. Obviously, M knows that work for our university course comes first no matter what and so he doesn’t hesitate to give me the room I need. He might guide me and help me prioritise my tasks but ultimately, it’s up to me to complete the work. It’s one the agreements we have: he’s not interfering with my academia. It’s when I’m supposed to be relaxing that I hit problems. For example, last weekend I was rushing to complete an essay, along with my CV and mini personal statement and I found that even when I was supposed to be relaxing, I didn’t feel like I could submit for fear it would break me out of my mental work zone too much and leave me unable to get back into it. As soon as I’d finished my essay and submitted it however, all of that evaporated and I was back to being my usual, playful kitteny self. I don’t think work is normally such an issue but when there’s a deadline looming, it does change one’s perspective on things. I guess we’ll just have to work things out as we go along…

I think M is quite enjoying it too as he knows he doesn’t have to sacrifice the girlfriend part of me in order to for us to have more D/s in our lives. Around our friends, housemates and any others we interact with, we are just a normal vanilla couple, and we still do all the things that a ‘normal’ couple would do. I think that’s maybe one of the biggest misconceptions I have (or had) about 24/7 couples: that they’re kinky all the time and the submissive does whatever the Dominant says at the drop of a hat. But that’s not true. I submit constantly to M, yes, but at the same time, real life goes on. My university course, and by extension my future job, demand me to be in leadership roles and to make decisions constantly. But that doesn’t stop me being a submissive. I submit to M, and not everything else in my life.

Things are going well though. We’ve actually scrapped the rules we had a while back as they just weren’t working for us but as M has more say in my life generally now, that’s not a problem. It just means that those rules can be turned into day-to-day orders that suit us better as our schedules can vary so much.

I’m a content little kitten right now 🙂 made the best chilli con carne earlier too. and we’re going out for dinner on Saturday. *wriggles* rawr 🙂

Suits

I love them. I love seeing M in a suit. There’s just something about it that I just find so insanely attractive.

Last night, M and I went out for a Christmas dinner with a large group of people – the dress code was formal. So he suited up and I found a pretty dress to wear. Dinner was all fine a lovely – good food, good company. But when we got home…*shiver*

M in a suit just exudes Dominance – to me it looks like there’s a great big neon sign flashing that says: “Warning! Dominant!” and it just turns my legs to jelly and makes my insides go all squishy. Add to that the fact that I was wearing a fairly thin, pretty, girly dress + heels and boom! You have the world’s greatest recipe for turning me into a meek little submissive who just can’t wait for her Dominant to touch her and tell her what to do.

There’s just something special about dressing up formally that brings out the submissive in me like no tomorrow. It just really put me in the right frame of mind to truly submit to M. And it doesn’t hurt that M looks goooooood in a suit 😉 hehe

M seemed to find it a little amusing that I was so turned on by him in a suit so he humoured me and kept the suit on for as long as possible. Love that man. Although I did have to endure a spanking from him as punishment: we have a new rule that I am not allowed to scratch at my eczema. I am allowed to scratch at normal itches, but not any which are obviously due to my eczema. I err, unfortunately broke that rule multiple times over the weekend (it’s not my fault that the venue for the conference was so bi-polar in temperature! seriously, the lecture theatre was freezing and the upstairs rooms were boiling!) and so I had a lovely painful spanking last night to atone for it. The sex afterwards made up for it though XD

 

In other news, M and I are going to attempt a more 24/7 D/s relationship! M said to me yesterday that he would be prefectly happy to try it out on the conditions that he wouldn’t lose the girlfriend part of me, that we could take breaks from D/s and just be us and that we worked to find a good balance between D/s and normal couple-y stuff. I’m also apparently not allowed to demand snuggles when he’s working…hmph. Oh well. And so the transition from me being a bedroom submissive to a more 24/7 submissive begins…to be honest, I could see it coming. I’ve been wanting to submit to M more and more in recent months and not always in just the bedroom – M also noticed since a few weeks ago, he remarked that I wasn’t really a bedroom submissive and that I seemed to like/need to submit in certain other parts of my life as well. So here we are. It’ll be an interesting continuation of our journey that’s for sure.

*happy wriggly kitten* mew

/\__/\                                                                                   =^.^=                                                                              (“)__(“)