a love letter to my Dominant…

Dear M,

I was wondering what to blog about tonight and noticed today’s prompt on SJP is “Write a love letter to your Owner”. Quite fitting considering the mood I am in tonight.

When I first met you, I had no idea that we would become what we are today – initially, you were just “that hot guy who doesn’t pick up on hints” and then you became “that hot guy in my group who always has the answer and still doesn’t pick up on hints”. Apparently I wasn’t all that enamored by you at first :p and then it all changed that night we kissed. I still remember the butterflies in my stomach when I realised that we were dancing together…alone…and then that feeling of anticipation as my gaze lifted meet yours. I think I almost moaned in that first kiss. It was…electrifying.

After that first night, I knew I wanted to get to know you more – there was something about you that just captured my attention. Maybe it was because you were so gentle and considerate that night. Stolen kisses, hidden glances, cheeky smiles, suggestive looks…I loved every minute of it. And look where we are now eh?

I love you – as my boyfriend and as my Dominant. I love how you can be so gentle and caring but firm when I need it. I love how you can always make me feel safe, even when I’m terrified. I love how you don’t care what anyone else says about us. I love how you’re always willing to try, for my sake. I love how you always take care of me.

I know we have our ups and downs, especially when we’re away from each other but we always manage to get through them together…and what doesn’t kill us, will only make us stronger. We’ve had a bit of a rocky year so far in terms of having vast amounts of shitty incidents thrown at us…and I know that had I been alone for the ones that were thrown at me directly, I don’t think I’d be in a very good place in my head right now…so I can’t thank you enough for all the love and support you’ve given me. Yeah, I know, you’ll say that it’s your job to take care of me but still…it can’t have been easy helping me whilst having to stay strong and not let your anger boil over, lest it frighten me even more…I think you know which incident in particular I am referring to. I know I still have a way to go, but I couldn’t have made it so far without you.

I miss you – we are about halfway through the amount of time we have to spend apart this summer, with two more trips to visit each other before we get to be together again. I miss being able to sleep in your arms at night and smell your comforting scent (and your grumbles about me stealing the duvet :p ). I miss being able to look into your eyes – so full of expression – and the way your pupils dilate when you get turned on. I miss being held by you, kissing you, snuggling you. I miss biting you (with or without your permission 😉 ) and submitting to you. I miss your smile and the sound of your voice. I miss the way you lovingly dominate me and control me. I miss you. All of you.

You mean so much to me – in both senses of who you are to me and I feel very very lucky to have you. I hope you know that. If you don’t, then obviously a) I haven’t been vocal enough expressing myself; b) I haven’t left enough pawprints over your lecture notes yet; and c) kitty hasn’t been scampering around enough in your heart ;p

I love you and I can’t wait to see you again.

Yours always,

kitten xxx

kitten no more…?

“Do you find a sense of security in serving or being owned?” – lunaKM on Submissive Journal Prompts

I do find a massive sense of security in serving/being owned by M…perhaps it’s because of all he’s helped me through: I always feel safe when I’m with him. Safe in the knowledge that I am his, and his to do with as he pleases. Safe in the knowledge that he’d never hurt me and will always protect me. His very presence calms me…even when I’m terrified of something, it always soothes me somewhat to know that he is there for me and that he’ll protect me.

I derive a lot of happiness when I am allowed to serve M…it’s a huge relief for me to be able to submit to him and let him take charge. It’s therapeutic almost. I never get that feeling with anyone else. Ever. I know he’ll take care of me… Being able to focus on M and his needs and wants and fulfilling them makes me a very happy kitten indeed.

Being owned also gives me a huge sense of security because it shows me that M loves me for who I am…and that he doesn’t love just one part of me, or an image of me that he imagined…it means all the more to me because M was vanilla until he met me and even though it isn’t as much a part of his life as it is mine (he could still live very well without the D/s part of our relationship…whilst I can’t really…), the fact that he accepts the submissive part of me and is willing to try for my sake, reassures me that he loves all of me… To this day, I still thank whatever God(s) is(are) up there that he didn’t run for the hills as soon as I told him what I really am, but instead embraced it – albeit a little warily at first.

If M was not my Dominant then I’d feel as if my safety blanket has just been ripped away…I’d be left questioning whether he really loved all of me or if he only put up with it so he could be with the ‘normal’, vanilla side of me…

They say curiosity killed the cat…well this kitten is certainly no longer curious…I only hope this little kitten survives…

Triggers…

“What is it that triggers your submissiveness? Are there images or actions that do it for you?” – lunaKM on Submissive Journal Prompts

Over time, I have come to realise that my submissiveness is always there in the background, lurking, even if I’m doing something that requires me to take the lead. Sure, it might take a bit of coaxing or something drastic to come out in those circumstances, but it’s always there.

In general, my submissiveness can only be triggered by someone who I a) trust; b) am comfortable around; and c) knows that I am a submissive. So generally, very few people. The other circumstance, which I will not talk about in depth, is when I get so scared or feel threatened to such a degree that it becomes my defence mechanism.

Of the people who fit the above criteria, if they happen to use a firm tone of voice and decisive phrases, then I will inevitably start to feel slightly submissive. Of course, nobody has as much of an effect on me as M does – sometimes all he does is give me a certain look and I will be scrambling to obey him! M has been helping me to feel less submissive around those who should hold no authority over me, in light of what happened to me last year before I was with him…it has certainly helped me a lot and has made me feel a lot safer, even from my own memories…

On to the particular things M does that can always instantly make me feel submissive…using that firm tone of voice I so love, stroking/holding my throat lightly, giving me that particular look that just makes me melt, placing his hand on my cheek lovingly (I always lean into that particular touch…), holding me close to him in our special way…

I do things subconsciously too that make me feel submissive to M…touching/stroking my collar (a silver bracelet I wear constantly), sitting at his feet if there aren’t any spare chairs (and sometimes even when there are!), kissing his hand when he cups my cheek…

Like I mentioned earlier, there are also some bad triggers to my submission…examples include: generally unsafe situations (e.g. city street at night with drunk/aggressive people around), anything that makes me flashback to last year’s incident which I have been trying to get over with M’s help, people arguing loudly, people being angry… These triggers make me submissive in the sense that “I feel unsafe/scared. I want M here so He can protect me.”

And that’s all I can think of right now…there are probably more but these are the triggers that come to mind first. What are your triggers?