Collar!

Well, it’s been a busy few weeks for M and I so unfortunately, D/s took a little bit of a back seat for us as we were both running around so much we just weren’t in the right frame of mind or really had the time to have a proper play session. I was in a bit of a weird mood regarding submission either way – wasn’t quite sure what I wanted but didn’t have the time to explore with M what was going on in my head and then real life kicked in with a vengeance.

However, all that has changed now – as a Valentine’s gift to me, M got me a play collar!

Isn’t it pretty?! The photo makes it look slightly purply in colour but it’s actually a nice shade of baby pink. “To match your butt plug” said M. Guess that means I’ll be wearing those two together and nothing else sometime soon… 😀 it’s quite comfy too, not too tight even on the tightest hole and adjustable as well. From what we can tell so far, it seems quite sturdy too which is good.

We gave it a quick try earlier, just whilst having sex and it was amazing! M had me close my eyes whilst he buckled it on me and the feeling of anticipation I had was almost too much…I was wet and turned on just from the feeling of M putting it on me! He only used it to tug my head wherever he wanted it today but he hinted that he may be using it to tether me to places and keep me restricted to a certain area, especially if I’ve been naughty…

It’s living in one of his drawers at the moment – maybe that means he’ll surprise me with it when we play…I do hope so…I like surprises :p I have a lovely mental image of me kneeling by M’s feet, naked, whilst he’s in a suit/smart clothes and then him taking the collar out of his pocket and putting it on me, caressing me softly once it’s on…

I wonder what inventive/creative ways to use the collar M will come up with…

Hectic-ness!

Things have been hectic recently I have to admit, hence why I temoprarily vanished. Life should be settling down a little bit again now I’m back into a routine.

Let’s see…three essays handed in – one of which involved a bit of a panic last weekend as I needed a CV and personal statement to go with it; one exam done and dusted; one drunken night out celebrating my best friend’s birthday; one drunken phone call from aforementioned best friend at 2am a week later because she had lost her friends on a night out and didn’t want to trek home across the city by herself so wanted to stay at mine after finding my housemate in the club; one pair of sexy crotchless panties modelled for M; one set of Ben Wa balls being put to use; one cold; one week of listening to everyone else in the country talk about being snowed in whilst my area has no snow; one hour of listening to my housemates screech about the fact that it’s now finally snowing…

Oh yes this little kitten has been busy scampering around everywhere 🙂

M and I have also been having lots and lots of fun since we got back to uni – we’ve now definitely made the transition to being a more 24/7 D/s couple rather than just in the bedroom and I’m loving it. Of course, we’re still figuring things out and getting used to it but it seems to be going well so far 🙂

I like the feeling of being M’s all the time – it makes me feel cared for. It’s the little things that make me content – things like a light tap on my bottom to send me on my way to the shower, or the raising of M’s eyebrows as he gives me that look when I doodle pawprints over his notes in lectures. (oops?)

I think sometimes it can get a little too much though – especially if I have lots of work to do, then I’ll want/need to be more independant as I tend to work better that way, so we do need to find a middle ground. Obviously, M knows that work for our university course comes first no matter what and so he doesn’t hesitate to give me the room I need. He might guide me and help me prioritise my tasks but ultimately, it’s up to me to complete the work. It’s one the agreements we have: he’s not interfering with my academia. It’s when I’m supposed to be relaxing that I hit problems. For example, last weekend I was rushing to complete an essay, along with my CV and mini personal statement and I found that even when I was supposed to be relaxing, I didn’t feel like I could submit for fear it would break me out of my mental work zone too much and leave me unable to get back into it. As soon as I’d finished my essay and submitted it however, all of that evaporated and I was back to being my usual, playful kitteny self. I don’t think work is normally such an issue but when there’s a deadline looming, it does change one’s perspective on things. I guess we’ll just have to work things out as we go along…

I think M is quite enjoying it too as he knows he doesn’t have to sacrifice the girlfriend part of me in order to for us to have more D/s in our lives. Around our friends, housemates and any others we interact with, we are just a normal vanilla couple, and we still do all the things that a ‘normal’ couple would do. I think that’s maybe one of the biggest misconceptions I have (or had) about 24/7 couples: that they’re kinky all the time and the submissive does whatever the Dominant says at the drop of a hat. But that’s not true. I submit constantly to M, yes, but at the same time, real life goes on. My university course, and by extension my future job, demand me to be in leadership roles and to make decisions constantly. But that doesn’t stop me being a submissive. I submit to M, and not everything else in my life.

Things are going well though. We’ve actually scrapped the rules we had a while back as they just weren’t working for us but as M has more say in my life generally now, that’s not a problem. It just means that those rules can be turned into day-to-day orders that suit us better as our schedules can vary so much.

I’m a content little kitten right now 🙂 made the best chilli con carne earlier too. and we’re going out for dinner on Saturday. *wriggles* rawr 🙂

Boxing Day fun

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas 🙂

My Christmas was lovely – had a scrumptious Christmas lunch cooked by Mum and had a good laugh at the cat chasing after all the bit of wrapping paper strewn around. Silly kitty. Almost as silly as me if you ask M…

Yesterday, I had a lovely day too. Was sat in my room relaxing, munching on the chocolate I got for Christmas doing research for my Dominant. What research I hear you ask? This was research on items or toys I might like to have. I spent a good few hours trawling through websites looking at toys and lingerie – and there was one particular pair of knickers that caught M’s eye when I sent him the link. His exact words in response were these: “please for the love of god buy them. so bloody sexy.” Hehehe. So I have been ordered to buy them, or to at least contemplate buying them. So if I do get them, I will model them for M and maybe get him to take a picture so you all can see 😉 who knows. They are pretty sexy though I’m not gonna lie.

M was there for the whole day yesterday, typing to me on skype, dominating me gently and generally taking care of me. I always love that he can still make me feel so safe and loved even when we’re away from each other.

In the evening, I worked on two essays I have to hand in when term begins again. One of them is of a slightly sensitive nature for me but luckily I was only editing that essay and so I wasn’t too affected by it. Perhaps I shall one day blog about it…it ties in with my past experiences and M having to pick up the pieces as a consequence…

By the time I’d finished I was sleepy and slightly grouchy because a) it’s that time of the month again (yes I sometimes have major issues with being moody during that time. Fecking hormones.); and b) I knew I had to be up early. Despite that, after I’d showered and was ready for bed, M forced me (gently!) to submit. It wasn’t anything major, just calming myself, focussing completely on him and listening to him describe to me what he was going to do to me once we get back to university. But it still made me feel very subby. Most likely because of what he was describing (it involved his cock, my mouth, cum everywhere and name-calling. I’ll let your imagination do the rest 😉 ). I don’t know why but afterwards, all my grouchiness faded away and it suddenly didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter that it was my TOTM or that I was sleepy and I had to be up early. It was all about him. All about submitting to my Dominant’s will and trusting him to take care of me. And it felt amazing. M let me sleep shortly after that. Sleep came quickly and contentedly for me then: all wrapped in my duvet with M’s top next to me and thoughts of M dominating me and taking care of me lingering and dancing on the edge of my thoughts, feeling safe, loved and owned…

Submissive Personality (SGBHC #11)

Submissive Guide Blog Hop Challenge #11:

“Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?”

Let’s see…to introduce myself to the folks over at the SGBHC, I am a female, collared submissive (known as ‘kitten’ to my Dominant) who is still finding her feet (or paws if you ask M) in the world of BDSM and in particular D/s. I used to think of myself as more of a bedroom submissive than anything else, but lately I feel my submission has spilled out of the bedroom and into real life a bit more as M and I have agreed upon some rules for me that are intended to keep me healthy; physically, emotionally and mentally.

As M mentioned in my previous post, I do have different levels of submission that depend on my mood. All these levels combine to make up my (somewhat quirky) submissive personality. Most of the time, I’m quite a playful and affectionate submissive, but still obedient in my own way. (A bit like my namesake I suppose =^.^=) In this state, I’ll do what M asks but it definitely won’t be in an ‘eyes-cast-down-meek-yes-Sir’ way but more of a happy-slightly bouncy-kitten way. Does that even make sense?! Sometimes, if I’m feeling particularly playful naughty, then I’ll either ask “whyyyy?” (you know that tone of voice kids use when questioning something you say and that’s the only word they’ll say to your answers?!) or mock refuse before eventually obeying. Some might call this brattiness or even say that I’m not a “real” submissive if I do that but you know what? I don’t care! They don’t know me or M, and this sort of behaviour is just part of who we are. M has never had a problem with it – I think he even enjoys it when I do things like that, as it gives him an excuse to “punish” me by spanking me playfully and taking me hard if I’m lucky ^^ (this is why we never use spanking as a punishment. M has alternative methods of dealing with any actual bad behaviour). That being said, I will never play around with orders which actually matter, e.g. things that concern my or his health or safety.

The other main level of submission is what M calls my ‘complete submission’. Generally, it only comes out when we are in an intense play session and it requires a little coaxing on M’s part to make it come out. Whilst the playful and affectionate side of my submission can come out whenever it likes with very little prompting from M, this side where I give myself over to M completely and utterly requires M to lead me into it. As mentioned in M’s guest post, he’ll always ask me if I want it before making me give up all control. I love that feeling of submitting so entirely to him – words cannot describe that blissful feeling of letting go and surrendering myself to him, obeying his every command…M told me once that for him, the sexual side is fun but it’s the deeper side, the level of trust I have in him that makes him more than happy to be my Dominant.

In the aftermath of an intense scene where I have submitted to M completely, afterwards I turn into a quiet little thing: meek, affectionate and obedient. This is also what I am like if I am generally in a quiet mood.

M loves the different sides to me – he has said to me many times that he loves me for all of who I am, not just one part. He encourages all aspects of my submission. Like tonight. I have been feeling quite playful and mischievous all day and the coffee cake I had after dinner has turned me into a slightly hyper kitten. So, I think skype with M when I finish writing this blog will be interesting. Hehe. When it comes to making me give myself over to him completely, he takes that opportunity to push my limits gently and help me grow in my submission to him, as well as address any fears I may have (example this post and the same from his perspective).

As a sub, I thrive on hearing praise from him, that I’m his good kitten/girl/slut/whatever he deems me to be in that moment in time. I also love hearing him tell me that I belong to him, completely. I hate disappointing him. Which is why, even if I’m playful and occasionally naughty, I’ll never push it so far that I directly disobey him or disappoint him. The mere thought of actually being bad and disappointing him makes my heart ache and I have been known to start whimpering (yes, I am very much like my namesake sometimes) and apologising for something M isn’t actually disappointed or angry about. I think above all, I fear having M’s affection withheld from me because of something I have done wrong. Which is why it is one of the most severe punishments M can give me for doing something bad.

Writing this has been interesting – it has made me think about myself, how I act around M and the possibilities of future growth. I know that I will continue to flourish and learn more about myself and about M as we continue on our journey together.

Slut (Weekend part 2)

After we got back from dinner, we lounged around for a while, watching the first bit of “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” before heading upstairs so I could shower as I was feeling quite tired by this point. However, I perked up a little when we got to his room and I thought it would be a good idea to pounce on M and tackle him to his bed. Hmm. Seems I forgot how strong M is. Oops. Our little wrestle on the bed didn’t last very long and of course, he came out victorious, pinning me down on my back, legs spread, with his fingers in me, stroking me mercilessly as I gasped and wriggled futilely.

“Hmm so if you’re in charge, why aren’t you making me stop fingering you?” M asked, a little mockingly.

My only answer was to moan a little more and to buck my hips.

“I think you need to be fucked again don’t you?”

I nodded mutely at him.

“Get over here then and ride my cock. Keep your dress on.” Sir withdrew his fingers from me and unbuckled his belt and shorts before lying down on the floor. I lowered myself onto him slowly – my thong had already been taken off sometime earlier and lay discarded in my room – and started fucking him.

“Do you want to be called bad names kitten? Do you? I think I will call you them…slut. My slut.” He thrust into me harder.

“Mine. Nobody else has any hold over you when they call you slut, do they?”

I shook my head hesitantly.

“So if H calls you slut-”

I flinched, badly. I couldn’t help myself. I started shaking and buried my head into M’s shoulder.

“No no no…shhhh…it’s ok, you’re safe. Shhhh…I’m sorry, that was too far…stay with me kitten, stay with me…shhhh….” M’s arms wrapped around me as he tried to soothe me.
“Let’s beat it tonight, shall we, once and for all?” he asked me gently, wiping away a few tears that had escaped my eyes. I sniffled and nodded.

“Ok,” I whispered.

“Ok…go get the belt for me.” M gazed at me compellingly, his eyes soft and understanding, but also determined at the same time. I bit my lip and nodded, climbing off him somewhat awkwardly to find his belt. I returned with it but before he could use it to bind my hands together, I pointed mutely at the packet of tissues next to him. The corners of his lips turned upwards slightly in a soft smile and he nodded, saying “of course kitten”. I took a tissue and used it to wipe my face clean of tears and set it down beside us, taking a deep breath as I did so. I offered my wrists to M without him prompting me and he looped the belt around my hands, securing it so my hands wouldn’t be able to move. He guided me back onto his cock as I placed my hands on the ground next to his head to steady myself.

“My slut…shh…stay with me. Stay with me.” I looked into his eyes as he thrust slowly into me and shut out everything else as best as I could. The flashbacks, the memories, the thoughts…everything. I was M’s. Nothing else mattered.

“Shh…you’re safe with me, aren’t you? You’re my slut and nobody else calling you that is allowed to have any effect on you are they? Not even H. You’re mine. You’re going to ride my cock whilst I call you slut, and you’re going to cum for me whilst I call you slut. Aren’t you?”

“…yes Sir.” It came out as barely a whisper.

“Louder slut…say it like you mean it.”

“Yes Sir! I’m your slut…” I started to bury my head in his neck again but he shook his head and told me firmly to keep my head up. Moving my hands so they were underneath his head, M started fucking me harder and faster, all the while calling me his slut…I whimpered when he came inside of me, plunging his cock into me deeply…

“Carry on riding my cock, slut.”

I started moving my hips as much as I could without falling over as my hands weren’t free to steady myself. Gradually, I started to realise that M calling me slut was turning me on, a lot and that I actually really wanted to cum on his cock whilst he called me slut.

When I finally came, it was explosive. I shuddered, I whimpered, I moaned, I cried. And still, M was calling me slut repeatedly throughout my trembling. As my shaking calmed down, he took the belt off my hands and hugged me to him gently.

“Shhh….there’s my good slut…”

Laying on the bed snuggling afterwards, I felt calm, calmer about being called slut and having the belt used on me than I ever had before. I wasn’t upset or shaken as I had been in the past. I was M’s and therefore the past shouldn’t have any hold over me. M is the only one who can affect me using those two things. Nobody else. I am safe with M. I am His submissive, His kitten, His girl, His sex slave, His slut and whatever else He deems me to be. I am His. I am M’s.

 

N.B. I am sure a lot of you are wondering about the significance of this to me and I shall explain to you, my readers, why this is as M requested I do so.

Last year, one of my exs (called H – my first “Dom” actually) took advantage of me when I was drunk (we weren’t going out and hadn’t been for a long time at that point) and it has left me with scars emotionally. As a result of this, I have associated certain things with him and have become scared of them. Of these, being called “slut” and having a belt used on me to be tied up are two of them.

Since I got together with M and told him about what happened, we have been trying to work together to try and overcome my fears. There have been set backs along the way and every time we have a breakthrough, I always seem to regress a little with time. Therefore in my eyes, what happened this Saturday night is a major development. I no longer flinch when M calls me slut – though how long this will last has yet to be seen. In conquering being called “slut”, I find I am no longer so afraid of the belt. I did after all offer my wrists to be bound willingly to M that night. It has confirmed to me that I truly do trust M – and that every time I get scared of something, it is just a scar of the past and not because I don’t trust M. Previously, I sometimes worried if I really did trust M not to hurt me, as every time we tried to conquer my fears, I would always flinch and panic. I know now that this is more of a reflexive defence mechanism than anything else. As a result of Saturday night, I hope this is the start of a new beginning for me, where I do not flinch away from M irrationally. Saturday night was also the reason behind this post as some may have realised.

That’s all I have to say really…look out for a guest post by M soon – I have requested that he write his version of Saturday night’s events so I can understand his point of view. With his permission, I shall share it with all of you.

Thanks for reading (:

kitten x

His

I’m His…I’m His slut and nobody else’s. His. Nobody else using that name has any hold over me. And if they use it, I’ll just say “yes, yes I am a slut. I’m M’s slut.” Nobody else’s. I’m safe. I’m M’s.